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Okay, I am not in my 20’s anymore, or my 30’s. When I hit 40, I did not feel like it and from all indications from what others say, I look 30. Maybe that is true. But, what is different … Continue reading
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So…I have a date with this seemingly cool guy. He did mention his rides a few times too many on the phone and I did roll my eyes a bit, but we’ll see. I tend to be so critical of … Continue reading
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I didn’t consider myself the type to eat when I felt emotionally distraught. I mean I have binged on chocolate before if I was sad and if chocolate was around. But, I don’t go to the store to buy a … Continue reading
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I really have not had a best friend in a long, long time. I kinda thought I did a few times. But I haven’t had that giddy feeling of waiting to call someone to tell them about something amazing/depressing/frustrating outside … Continue reading
The party was fun, but I quickly realized that diplomats are just regular people like me. The person that I went to the party for is a diplomat and he is dating my friend and he is cool. But, I had this expectation of hot single men with gorgeous accents. The party had cool accents, but I don’t think anyone there was single and I did not see anyone that I was drawn to. But I wonder if that is because I kind of have my radar off because my heart is all closed up?
I dream often of being in a relationship again and falling in love again, but then I think about my daughter and how I love her life and how I don’t want anyone to mess that up. I would love for her to have a stepfather that could step in and take the place of her father, but I am not willing to take the chance on my heart, heck both of our hearts. I think often that I can wait until she is closer to adulthood because I will still look young. But then I think that I could be missing out on someone great.
So, my prayer to God is for Him to only bring someone in to our lives if he would only bring positive things to us and add to our lives and not harm us in any way. So, perhaps that is why nothing has never transpired. I want to think and hope and believe that it will happen for me again one day. But then I think to myself, I don’t know if I can let go again for someone.
You know, open up and be vulnerable and talk in depth about my hopes and dreams. I am so happy for people that have these relationships, but when I think about being that way again with anyone I feel like it’s all so cheesy and all in vain. I have never had a successful relationship with a man, so it’s kind of like I feel like I suck at it so why should I keep trying?
To be honest, I have grown so much spiritually and mentally since my husband moved out 6 1/2 years ago. It was my decision for him to leave because I didn’t want a dysfunctional relationship for our then very little girl. It was the best choice for us because he was gone more than he was home and infidelity was the theme on his part. So, I feel like I would rather be alone than live like that again. So, we have.
I have been on dates over the last 6 years with maybe 5 men. One man I had a phone relationship with for probably 3 months because he was from my home state and we met through and old school friend. We met up a couple of times and the chemistry there but since I wasn’t legally divorced and was separated he wasn’t comfortable with any of it. He was everything that my husband wasn’t. He went to church, didn’t go to clubs or bars, he was working in a stable field. But, he was controlling and stuck in the 50’s!
Needless to say, with my personality and opinions, I was way too much for him. I felt like I had to be someone else when I was around him. Kind of like being at a cocktail party or at a party with diplomats.:) Funny thing is, I am super comfortable at a party with strangers because I will probably never see them again. I flash a smile, make witty comments, have champagne and try the appetizers. But opening up to a person romantically? Don’t know if I have it in me anymore. It’s like I have turned into an introverted extrovert.
I call myself a hopeless romantic. But perhaps I am just super duper hopeless when it comes to trusting my heart with someone again? Well, at least the food and drinks were good at the party and the people were not half bad either. Romantic prospects for Dee (me)? Zilch. Zero. Nada. But maybe that is what made the party a success. No strings attached, especially not my heart strings…
simply~
Dee
This guy is the sunshine parent. There for the good times, for the accolades, for the spotlight. Not around when a friend treats her badly or when she has a disappointment. It’s not just because he hasn’t lived here for 6 years that he is not around. Parents that do not live with their kids will not experience as much as the parent that does.
But, this is the same guy that has gone 6 weeks at a time without seeing his daughter and we lived 15 minutes away. The guy who pretends that he calls every day and Facetime’s, But, there is never a record to back up his claims. He also has not been to her last 6 birthday parties and she is not even a teen, which means he has missed a hell of a lot. Then out of nowhere, I get this crazy text from his live-in girlfriend who has 4 kids of her own saying that they are going to file for emergency visitation because I do not let him see her.
I let him see her. He just doesn’t take me up on it. I let him drive her to rehearsal one night, well I had to make him because he is so busy. They also used to spend Wednesdays together in the morning and he would take her to her art class and then bring her back at lunch or after. Then that stopped. Recently, he took her for 3 Wednesdays to an area college for standardized testing, and I will admit that I worried when they were together.
He and I are still legally married for financial reasons, though we have lived apart for over 5 years. So, he is still married, living with someone with kids, going on 2 1/2 years and we have known about it for 7 months and find out as a fluke. He expects me to let him go over to this woman’s house where she has a teen and 3 college aged kids and just let my kid stay with them.
I can’t do it. I know him. He would get my daughter and hang out for an hour and leave her with that woman. I will never refer to her as her name because of the ridiculous texts she has sent me. She texted me in the late fall, announcing herself and telling me what a bad father my ex is. Then 2 weeks later she asks if my kid come over. Then a month later, a friend sends me a Facebook screenshot of this woman publicly berating him. Yeah, I want my child in that loving climate.
To be honest, I was so upset yesterday that I couldn’t write, didn’t want to think deeply and even had 2 coffees. I gave up caffeine 2 months ago! Even Starbucks didn’t fix it. I was late to church because of the texts and a call to him. Then I went to the pastor when church was over and said that I needed to speak with him. Well, a church member said a few words to me and I broke down in such a big way that I had to go back to the pastor’s office and cry it out there. He and a close friend there told me that often times when people strike, they strike in a harsh way.
So, long story short, I am officially freaked. I am worried about splitting holidays. I am scared to death. I have always left my home open on Christmas and he would spend the whole day. He even has a key to our place. How much more open can one get than that? I need prayers right now. And well wishes. And positive thoughts because a man who gives 2 craps less about her, is letting the person who he is sleeping with potentially ruin the little bit of relationship that he has with his daughter.
Simply~
Dee
So, I feel like myself and my daughter and myself are both the type of people who give and give and take very little, and we are almost always taken for granted. For instance, one of my best friends and my god-daughter came into town on a horribly busy weekend and stayed for 5 nights. During that crazy time, we had a dress rehearsal and 2 weddings, and I still tried to keep them happy and occupied. They were sick and didn’t feel like doing a lot, and I got very little sleep, but I hung in there and cooked and planned like a happy hostess. Now they have been gone for almost 2 weeks and we called and called to check on them and my daughter found out through an educational game that they play online together that their phone is acting wonky. But they could have called us from another number, or they could have Facetimed us or something. Though they are loving and always remember every occasion and root for us so much of the time, they are around when they feel like it. When I told them via voicemail and email about my daughter’s commercial, they didn’t call us or email us for a month because they were “busy”. But, they emailed all of their friends and called them to tell them about it. They also received my daughter’s video that they ordered in the mail that is 2 hours long from a big performance she did in the fall, and watched that but didn’t have not one smidgen of extra time to communicate to tell us that.
This may sound petty or like I am being too sensitive, but I get sick of people just assuming that we will always be available. It’s like they can be completely selfish or rude by ignoring us and when they are ready to “deal” with us, then we are supposed to be ready and willing to talk and deal with them. I don’t know how to be unavailable to friends or men or anyone that I deal with. Because the truth is, the people that I deal with I consider friends or loved ones, and I am not into games with people that are supposed to be dear to me. It’s like I have all forms of dysfunction in the form of people that I call friends. I have never been good in the man department either, so that is why I haven’t dated for the almost 6 years I have been apart from ex-husband, except for dates that I went on just for dinner, knowing they wouldn’t go further because I suck at choosing!! I wonder if because I complain about these people, but still continue to deal with them (not the friends I mentioned, but friends in general), maybe I get what I deserve? One of my friends in the past said that I take in all of the strays. Perhaps they are right?!! Bad childhood, anxiety issues, super selfish, not dependable??? Well, call me and I will take you in and take on all of your baggage and then wonder why like a dizzy blonde (I am blonde) that these people aren’t all that I expect in a friend.
I do have a few good friends, but for some crazy reason, the people who I call best friends have the most issues. Or, they aren’t the friend to me that I am to them. I know people have different backgrounds and experiences and I have to take that into consideration. But I am human and I have feelings and I don’t want to put up with whatever people dish out. I want my close friends to return my call in a timely manner or be there the way that I am for them. I want people in my life that I can depend on all of the time, not just one they are over their funk and moods. So, do I get rid of the people in my life that are abnormal and annoying and not around all of the time, or do I continue to put up with their slack a–es and grin and bear it? That is perhaps why this cycle is continuing because I keep complaining, yet keep dealing with it. A therapist would probably say that I am co-dependent, or have self esteem issues. I don’t think it is either one. I think that I want the whole Golden Rule thing, “Do unto others…”.
I think that perhaps I will pray for God to bring “normal” and decent people into our lives that have our backs on rainy days as well as sunny. This whole fair-weather friend thing is for the birds. I don’t want to give up on new friendships or men in my life, but it is so hard to trust others! Remind me to tell you all about some of the other shady stories about men and friends, it will be a lot more than 800 some odd words. Trust me!:)
Simply~
Dee
Simply Dee in D.C. 