Okay, I am not in my 20’s anymore, or my 30’s. When I hit 40, I did not feel like it and from all indications from what others say, I look 30. Maybe that is true. But, what is different about being in my 40’s, is that I have higher standards. Or I would like to think that I do. I mean the whole dealing with married guy thing doesn’t exactly scream high standards. But, I haven’t dated hardly at all in 6 plus years because I can’t settle for just whatever. But, I find myself slipping into old patterns.
I don’t know if it can be called daddy issues or old self esteem problems rearing their ugly head, but I seem to grow dependent on whomever is giving me attention. I don’t let them know that, but I obsessively check my texts, or messages from whatever type of app we are talking on. I won’t dare be the one to contact them first, though I have before. But, I want to and I seem to gain extreme satisfaction when I hear from them and when I don’t, I go into this ridiculous pout mode. I actually get spoiled and expect things from a guy, and I feel that if they have any inkling of that they pull back.
Though I have had many experiences with men, I still do not quite get them. It’s like you give more they back up, you give less, they come forward. Sometimes you give less and they give less because of pride. I am so not good at this. Every relationship I have ever had, has gone from one date or meetup or whatever and has turned into a full blown relationship without the dating process. So, it is difficult and confusing territory for me. And this is the very reason I do not want to put myself out there because my fragile heart gets used to something and when things change, so do I.
So, I went on a 2nd date with a nice guy I met. If you haven’t read the previous post, he was super nice, but a little too nice. I gave it a 2nd try, and the date was like watching paint dry. So, I moved on quickly because we are both nice people and too old to waste each other’s time. I met this other guy who is a first place contender right now. He works for the government and is retired military and has a grown kid. He is busy with his job and in his activities. I love that. He doesn’t have a lot of spare time, but took the time to text and call me yesterday and this morning. He kind of reminds me of married guy for some reason, but maybe that’s a good thing so I don’t think of my complicated friendship with married guy.
But then there are a few others. I can tell from a few sentences sent in a message whether I will like someone or not. Like when nice guy emailed me for the first time, he was lamenting on serial daters and how some people just aren’t serous, etc. I instantly thought- wow, how joyful will it be to be around this guy.:) I think that though it is truly hard to read someone’s tone in an email or text, subtle cues are all it takes. For instance, I messaged back to a guy friend the other day, and he quickly asked me if I was mad. And I was. So if one pays attention they can tell what is going on with the other person. So that is what I am trying to do with the 20 plus emails I get everyday on the dating sites. I am trying to weed out what I want and don’t want from the beginning.
Then sometimes, I think to myself, I do not know what I want. I have an ideal, but what if I meet someone and they are what I want and just do not realize it because there are layers to people. I want to be loved and respected and treated like a queen and I know that other people want the same, but I don’t know how to get to that point. I think by talking to and messaging married guy, it was easy because he is out of state and he is not available. Of course I didn’t know all that at the beginning and we didn’t have an instant connection, but we had a friendship of sorts. But maybe the connection was so easy because he knew that it would go nowhere and so it was casual fun to him? Then his casual fun attitude made me feel at ease?
Can you guys now understand why I don’t want to date or am scared to? There are too many things to figure out. I wish it were all in black and white and I could read it off of a board. Like-
If he say this, he likes you. But, if he says this, then he does not.
If he does this, he likes you. But, if he does this, then run!
If he expects this, he has high standards. But, if expects this, then he is scum!
I am a literal kind of person. I want to know people’s motives. I want to know what they feel. I want to know why. I want to know how authentic that they are because I am the “realest” person that anyone could possibly be. I wish God would drop someone into my life and we would both would just know and that there would be marital bliss. Can you guys pray for me that this happens?:) Because I will have to tell you that all of this dating and chatting and talking has me kind of unsettled feeling! I feel like a love sick puppy and my heart is so confused because I am talking to different people and don’t know which direction to go. My prayer is that God will show me!