So, I have been a single mom for almost 9 years and before the ex-hubby was booted out, there was no real marriage. He was an adulterer, not mature, extremely selfish. So you can imagine that the ongoing behavior translated … Continue reading
Tag Archives: Friendship
So, have you ever felt like an outsider with the insiders??
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I don’t know how it happens, but sometimes I feel like though I have been friends with someone for a long time, I tend to be the outside part of the inner circle. I am no longer the needy person … Continue reading
In the spirit of being real…
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People always say it is not a good idea to speak about religion and politics. But, if you are having a real conversation with friends or people that you are getting to know, doesn’t it make sense to put your thoughts/beliefs on the table? It is hard for me to hold back on these 2 things that largely define me as a person. Adult friendships can be so tricky!
I feel that some of my relationships have not improved or have had problems, because of the marked differences of opinions or core beliefs in regards to politics or religion. If I had known they were so diametrically opposed to my core values, maybe I would not have pursued the play dates so readily. I know it is thought to be distasteful or rude to speak about these subjects openly, but when is a good time?
Developing friendships when younger is so simple because there is school and then extracurricular activities, so meeting friends is a cinch. People during those years aren’t defined by the larger meanings in life. Either you are into My Little Pony or American Girl, or into video games or playing outside. Even if everyone doesn’t like the same thing, it doesn’t matter,because on the playground everyone has a blast. The simplicity of childhood makes being a grown up quite unattractive at times.
As a child I would count down days and weeks and years to a day I looked forward to. I remember counting down the years until I turned 13, and then I couldn’t wait until I was 16 because of driving! Next was the super exciting year of 18, when I got to go to college and have no rules. My 21st was important for obvious reasons.:) But when I turned about 25, I woke up and thought omg! I am a certified grown up with bills and a job and responsibilities and a serious relationship. Then I really longed for less. Less to worry about and less to deal with and keep up with. But unfortunately, time does not travel backward. It just keeps marching on, no matter how much we would like it to stop or pause.
So I find myself as a single mom with a wonderful kid, living in a fabulous area and I still feel like I want so and so to happen by next year. I am still yearning for more, but overall I am pretty happy. I think it is normal for most of us to want more. I like who I am for the most part and I know that I can improve upon a few things, but at this point I am probably going to be the person that I am right now. So, it is hard for me to be anyone different from who I am. Sometimes I want to make more friends and expand my circle, but the thought of having to start over again with people who don’t know or get me is just exhausting.
I was speaking with a friend tonight while our kids were playing and we both said that there is just something special about people who knew you back in the day. There is just a comfort and ease that goes along with history and people that were there through all of the crazy stages and loved you then and still love you in your more buttoned up and mature way , as well. So needless to say, I want people in my life, but I am not incredibly open to meeting new people. Because, there are so many reasons as to why I am the way I am. That is true for all of us I suppose. I feel like at this point in my life, cultivating new relationships is damn near impossible.
As much as I want girlfriends to hang with, I feel like I would rather have less time with peers if the time is not going to be with people that I truly appreciate or vcvs. I guess the one to two times a year I visit my hometown will have to be the times that I really get to be me and be among kindred spirits. Of course I have a couple of really good friends here, but most of my closest friends are the ones who knew me back when. I will continue to enjoy the time I spend with my kiddo and see my good mom friends every few months. Then, when my baby girl is all grown up (not that I am rushing that!), perhaps I will live like a Golden Girl with no filter, and enjoy true sisterhood once again. Until then, I will remain somewhat politically correct and cordial and laugh only when deemed apropos by Washington, D.C. standards.:) (Okay, I am being a bit facetious in this post, I admit it!)
Show your friends
So, I find myself behind on my writing again
I am back. Tech week has started at my daughter’s big production in D.C. this week. That means that she has to be at the theatre 7 times this week and 3 next week. Roughly 75/80 hours in 2 weeks. It’s fun, but tiring.
I haven’t written awhile. Been doing some soul searching and reevaluating a lot of things. Job, people, situation, etc. The older I get the more disappointed I am in people. I think social media definitely lends to that. A lot.
If you will remember, I quit Facebook for a bit. I had to get back on because I am the administrator for a Facebook page for a church and if I deactivated, then so did the church!
In the time that I have been back on there, I have realized that when people aren’t happy they aren’t happy for you. When people want what you have they aren’t happy for you.
People that have loads of people supporting them on Facebook are the kind that have 1500 friends. Or, people that constantly go out and have wine and party. Or people whom show their bodies off.
I am far beyond my party stage. I am too private to have more than 100 or so friends. And, I am definitely not fit enough to show body pics. Even if I was, I am somebody’s mom and it’s just not a good luck for me.
I am saying all of this to say that modern tech can be hurtful to a degree. If people don’t like your pics, you wonder why. If a friend doesn’t text you back, it is bothersome. If you email a friend and they never reply it can make one worry. If you message someone and see the time that they viewed it and they don’t make the effort to answer your query then it gets personal.
I have been going through this deal lately with friends. I called 5 people over the last week, and not one called me back. One friend is a friend of over 20 years, but has always been bad about calling. She is a full time mom and has a full time job and her kids are in activities and we are in different states. So she has a pass because she is there when I need her.
But the other people, one is supposed to be my best friend and I am her daughter’s Godmother. I have tried 4 ways to get in touch with her because her husband can be controlling. My daughter has even tried to Facetime and message her God sister because she misses her and our kids are best friends. They live out of state and we don’t see them but every 2 years so we love to talk to them. There has been no reply.
The other people are really non-factors. But, I have felt kind of like a social leper as of late. I don’t see most of these people that I have called because we don’t live near each other, so it is natural that I want to talk with them from time to time. So it is not like I have had a falling out with them or offended them. I am reaching out to them!
I don’t call them a lot, we may go a month or so without talking. And then we talk like crazy for a couple of weeks and then things get crazy again. But we haven’t talked to my “best friend” and Godchild in 6 weeks. Four ways of communication have not phased her. I guess when she is ready she will contact us. But I guess I am tired of being the friend that is “ready” when people feel like being bothered.
I am an above and beyond kind of friend. I am not a taker, I am a giver and a counselor and confidante. I try to not expect a lot in return, but I should not always be the one reaching out to people. I almost feel like God is trying to tell me something about the people who are in my life.
I don’t know how changing friends or deleting people out of my life is going to make it better. But perhaps there is a divine plan in the works. I certainly haven’t done anything to deserve the cold shoulder. So I don’t know what to think.
But if I ignore someone, I’m a B—. Or, I am being insensitive. One of the biggest faults that I have is that I am too caring, too forgiving, and apparently a glutton for punishment. Advice? Similar story to share? Or am I in this leper world alone?
Simply~
Dee
Show your friends
So, why don’t I practice what I preach some of the time?
I think it is because I am blessed with the gift of great intuition. I am also blessed with a heck of a lot of common sense. But today when I told my friend that she needs to cut some of the ties with her mom because she in her 40’s, I suddenly felt like a hypocrite. My mom has to help pay my rent sometimes. I have to pay her back and borrow more money from her at this time of my life than I did in my 20’s. The main reason being that I have a child and work from home, making less to spend more time with my daughter. I am constantly praying and proclaiming and trying to make more money. But it’s not like I am not working as much as I can or not like I did not get and education so that I could make my situation better.
This particular friend hasn’t tried to make things better. She takes every one of her mom’s calls. She lets her mom tell her what phone to get, she lets her mom make plans for her. She explains to her home mom why she is going somewhere and with whom she is going. She complains constantly about it and is like a major victim regarding their relationship. I may not be successful or wealthy, but I am a doer. I try to change my situation. I try to have healthy relationships and try to work out more and eat better. I don’t shove an ice cream cone in my mouth while complaining about my weight. I just don’t freaking eat it! But some people just do not have the confidence or the know-how to make their lives better. Maybe that is the difference?!
As much as I feel like a jerk or worse a liar in some situations, I am never a victim. I may have a cry a few times a year about my situation, I do lean on my mom from time to time, but then I pick myself up and pay her back and do what I can to not have to borrow in the first place. But I also cut corners financially speaking, I don’t eat out anymore or rarely, I don’t waste money, and I have tremendously cut down on our entertainment expenses. But anyway, I don’t need to preach if I am not living my life in a perfect way. Instead, maybe I need to help my friend(s) to think and act like a strong person who all has it figured out.
I truly try to give no advice. I want to keep my opinions to myself. But, it just comes right out when I see someone being wronged or treating themselves badly. I don’t know if it is a personality flaw or a gift. But I think instead of attacking the person or situation that is making them into the victim, I will work on more empowering. Sometimes I want them to understand how much I care about their feelings or I want to show empathy and I go a bit overboard in what I say or how I react. I try to be a good friend at the core of it all. Now being a true friend is something I can preach about because I rock:)
Night!
Simply~
Dee
Show your friends
So, are some of us unlucky in relationships/friendships, or am I being tested over and over and over again?
So, I feel like myself and my daughter and myself are both the type of people who give and give and take very little, and we are almost always taken for granted. For instance, one of my best friends and my god-daughter came into town on a horribly busy weekend and stayed for 5 nights. During that crazy time, we had a dress rehearsal and 2 weddings, and I still tried to keep them happy and occupied. They were sick and didn’t feel like doing a lot, and I got very little sleep, but I hung in there and cooked and planned like a happy hostess. Now they have been gone for almost 2 weeks and we called and called to check on them and my daughter found out through an educational game that they play online together that their phone is acting wonky. But they could have called us from another number, or they could have Facetimed us or something. Though they are loving and always remember every occasion and root for us so much of the time, they are around when they feel like it. When I told them via voicemail and email about my daughter’s commercial, they didn’t call us or email us for a month because they were “busy”. But, they emailed all of their friends and called them to tell them about it. They also received my daughter’s video that they ordered in the mail that is 2 hours long from a big performance she did in the fall, and watched that but didn’t have not one smidgen of extra time to communicate to tell us that.
This may sound petty or like I am being too sensitive, but I get sick of people just assuming that we will always be available. It’s like they can be completely selfish or rude by ignoring us and when they are ready to “deal” with us, then we are supposed to be ready and willing to talk and deal with them. I don’t know how to be unavailable to friends or men or anyone that I deal with. Because the truth is, the people that I deal with I consider friends or loved ones, and I am not into games with people that are supposed to be dear to me. It’s like I have all forms of dysfunction in the form of people that I call friends. I have never been good in the man department either, so that is why I haven’t dated for the almost 6 years I have been apart from ex-husband, except for dates that I went on just for dinner, knowing they wouldn’t go further because I suck at choosing!! I wonder if because I complain about these people, but still continue to deal with them (not the friends I mentioned, but friends in general), maybe I get what I deserve? One of my friends in the past said that I take in all of the strays. Perhaps they are right?!! Bad childhood, anxiety issues, super selfish, not dependable??? Well, call me and I will take you in and take on all of your baggage and then wonder why like a dizzy blonde (I am blonde) that these people aren’t all that I expect in a friend.
I do have a few good friends, but for some crazy reason, the people who I call best friends have the most issues. Or, they aren’t the friend to me that I am to them. I know people have different backgrounds and experiences and I have to take that into consideration. But I am human and I have feelings and I don’t want to put up with whatever people dish out. I want my close friends to return my call in a timely manner or be there the way that I am for them. I want people in my life that I can depend on all of the time, not just one they are over their funk and moods. So, do I get rid of the people in my life that are abnormal and annoying and not around all of the time, or do I continue to put up with their slack a–es and grin and bear it? That is perhaps why this cycle is continuing because I keep complaining, yet keep dealing with it. A therapist would probably say that I am co-dependent, or have self esteem issues. I don’t think it is either one. I think that I want the whole Golden Rule thing, “Do unto others…”.
I think that perhaps I will pray for God to bring “normal” and decent people into our lives that have our backs on rainy days as well as sunny. This whole fair-weather friend thing is for the birds. I don’t want to give up on new friendships or men in my life, but it is so hard to trust others! Remind me to tell you all about some of the other shady stories about men and friends, it will be a lot more than 800 some odd words. Trust me!:)
Simply~
Dee
Show your friends
So, last night I stayed with a friend whom is moving, my kid is in the city and now it is snowing again, and I am watching Friends…
Of all the things on all the channels on the “regular” cable package we have, I am watching Friends on Netflix again. It’s funny, when Friends came out, I was just too young and busy to watch it. Now 20 years later, I would rather watch it than anything else. Even though it came out in the mid-90’s, it really is the kind of show that does not age a lot except for the fact that there were high-waisted jeans and people are not texting on there 24/7.
Speaking about friends, last night I stayed over at an older family friend’s house last night. She is moving further south because she has lived the upscale D.C. life and it is not pretty. She dated someone who was so important, that she had to have top-level security clearance to live with him. The funny thing, or the sad thing is that once she decided she did not want to be with this controlling wealthy man anymore, the D.C. social scene dropped her like a hot potato.
I have never been a part of that scene because I have never had money. I mean I have enough to pay rent and utilities and insurance and the basics, but that is the gist of it. I am not a part of the social scene. I have been to the Kennedy Center and I have been to Capital Grille and to some of the “high-post” areas that the wealthy go to. But unless I win the lottery or some sort of lawsuit, I doubt that I will rub elbows with any of these a-holes anytime soon.
After hearing how little she trusts people now and how she doesn’t have people to hang with anymore, makes me view D.C. differently, but life in general. It seems that as I listened to many things that have happened in her life, that the overall theme is that people cannot be trusted.
I mean I have made some real friendships here. I do not talk to friends everyday, because I and they are just so busy with our kids and day-to-day activities. I have grown comfortable in my solitude to a degree. My daughter is in the city right now, right after leaving a sleepover,and as much as i don’t want to talk some mornings and like to “do me”, it sure is an empty home without her.
I don’t want to be so non-trusting. I do teach my child that you can’t put yourself out there for people all of the time. I also tell her that you can’t be so readily available to people all of the time. But I don’t want to have stories to share with her that always revolve around me getting screwed over, or being left alone. I want to teach her that life is beautiful, with let-downs of course. But that there great people and opportunities out there.
I want to impart wisdom to my child that does not make her so weary and wary of life and of people that she goes around afraid and unwilling to take risks. I want her to truly realize the life that she has been given is a gift from God.
Many of us do not live up to the potential that we could. Many of us do not reach for the stars and go for what we dream of. But, even if one hasn’t grown up to be whom they hoped to be, there is always time to do something different or new. I know that it is cliché’ to say this, but learn a language, travel, join a book club, start a new hobby. These things are so simplistic, but can change one’s life in great ways. I truly think that these things can be the difference between living a life with bitter memories, or living a life full of creating new ones with positive experiences and positive people.
Stay warm everyone. It is freezing in D.C.
Simply~
Dee
Simply Dee in D.C. 