I don’t know how it happens, but sometimes I feel like though I have been friends with someone for a long time, I tend to be the outside part of the inner circle. I am no longer the needy person I was years ago, so if someone doesn’t stay in touch, I don’t try either. I also, refuse to chase someone down, or dial all of their numbers or kiss a–. You know? I feel like sometimes, these circles of friends are like mini-mafia networks with people that aren’t criminals, but are just as shady. And there is a leader who everyone bows down to. It’s just not my game. I can only bow down to my Lord and Savior and that is about it…
So, I went to a shower of a friend who I have known for almost 10 years. There weren’t a lot of people there. Ninety nine percent of the people that were there were people who planned it. Literally all of her circle of friends at the shower planned it, but I wasn’t in on it. All of the planners lived out of town, except for one who is supposedly ‘the bff’ that is a local like me, and she didn’t show up at all or buy or do anything but was mentioned as one of those who my friend was sooooo thankful to. It is really gag worthy, and I am sitting there, a good friend who re-arranged my schedule to be there because it was originally scheduled during the snow and I could not feel more like an outsider if I tried.
Luckily, one of her spouses long time friends that I met at a previous event so I sat with her. My kid, ditched me as usual and sat closer to the guest of honor because my daughter loves to be near the action. One of the “beasts” who was running the shower, was actually decent to me today. She’s usually what I like to call ‘nicety’. Super fake, obviously dripping with disdain with every word she speaks to me, but one of the wildebeasts (the local) didn’t show up so she’d seem ultra catty alone. In order to not look like a Class A beyotch, she was surprisingly nice to me today. Wow, I felt like a kid that got a lollipop at the bank. What a treat.
Okay, before you think I sound bitter, these women have been incredibly jerky to me. My mom and a friend or 2 have told me that these ladies (I am being nice here) are jealous of me because I am pretty. I never believe that part. I am one of those people that realizes that I am attractive, but I rarely if ever believe I am beautiful or a threat. Call it middle school low self esteem or daddy issues or whatever you like, but no matter how much people say it, I rarely believe it. But just say that they are. I am smaller than they are because they are pretty big ladies, but I am not model myself. They are single and have never been married. I have been married. But my marriage was sucky. I have a gorgeous child, I will give them that. But, are those reasons valid to be just not nice to someone they really don’t know?
Maybe I wish that I had the money to travel frequently like they do when they all go on trips together. Or perhaps it makes me feel bad that I am the only one out of the group of core friends that wasn’t a bridesmaid, but I was asked to help ‘run things’. No matter how I have felt snubbed or outside the inside, I am not rude or angry or envious of them. At all. I have tried to be cordial with them, and I even hung out with my friend and the local chick and thought that we had a good time. But, when I met up at the wedding with these women, it was clear it was them and then there was me. The lines were drawn and there were a few shared glances and sniggering going on . Even my kid who was in the wedding noticed how nasty they were to me. So, it is not my imagination, at all.
Every year I say that I am going to stop being that friend that is always there. Or stop being the open and honest and dependable girl that I am. I try so hard to be that way, but I can’t help who I am. It’s like the nicer I am to people, the more I feel that I am on the back burner with them. Of course not with all people, but with certain folks that I have had to come to terms with that they aren’t real friends. I feel so immature and emotionally vulnerable talking about all of this. I’m not sad about today, because I ate some yummy food and took some home:) and I looked fab and we have so much to eat that I didn’t have to cook dinner. So that is a win/win situation. But I’m not going to lie, it is quite annoying but I am getting better at not feeling anxious or insecure when I am around them because it is just silly.
But seriously, I feel like I need to depart from my “circle” if that is what I can call it. These are the reasons that I don’t want to invest in a bff. Yes, having a Miranda to my Carrie would be super dope. But, with -itches like these, who needs friends? I guess the person who the event was held for is the only one that is really supposed to be a friend, so that is the sucky part. It’s like I am invited to things as if I am a cousin or something. You know, the kind of deal where I am a loved one, but down on the list after mom, sister, best friends, aunt, God mom, first cousin, childhood neighbor and then there’s me. I’m there, but if I wasn’t, no one would be too hurt. Can’t figure out why that is so, because with so many people I am a charmer and funny and get invited to things. But the invites are few and far between because we are all harried moms. Maybe it’s only the “cool” people that I feel rejected by? See, middle school creeping in again.
So, what to do? What to do? Well, I will keep on getting fit and looking better and better and better. And, my friend whose life is about to change big time because a bundle of joy is on the way, will have a lot of interesting twists and turns as her ‘friends’ start to fade away one by one. It happened to me. It happens to most people who have a major life change and their friends are doing the same old same old. And where will I be? Knowing me, I will be available, but being that I am making major changes myself and because my kid is growing up and we are super busy, I won’t be the dependable old Dee that I have always been. I wish I could say I will be no where to be found, but no matter how often I am burned by folks, I can’t seem to be as dirty to people as they are to me. And, there lies the problem…
2 thoughts on “So, have you ever felt like an outsider with the insiders??”
I’m thinking maybe you should have just passed on going to the shower?
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I know. It’s complicated. The person has been so good to my daughter, especially when she was little. Over the last few years we have seen her less and less though because of her work and I don’t make the effort. So my kiddo loves her and has been part of celebrations with her and even in her wedding. There is a disconnect with me though. So, I love her as a friend, but have realized that she is just not going to be the supportive friend I thought she was or should be.