Monthly Archives: January 2015

It is so funny reading people’s Instagram and Facebook and even Twitter-bouncing from heaven to hell…

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I will admit that I am a Christian woman with a sometimes awful potty mouth. I do not claim to be perfect. But I also don’t have a meme or post praising Jesus one moment, and the next minute having one talking about going to a strip club. Some of the women that I know on social media (Very few) are such nasty talkers or just low class in their choice of words at times, but at other times they are quoting C.S. Lewis.

I know that we all have somewhat “schizo” personalities. Even people that are not diagnosed with a serious personality or mental disorder can change like the wind. As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I can go from one extreme to another with my feelings. But to be super holy one day and super sinful the next day is not having varying emotions. It is just plain crazy (IMHO). I keep talking about how I am trying to not judge, but is calling out people’s erratic behavior on social media judging, or just telling it like it is?

I have a friend/trend who gets on there with all of this kumbayah stuff and all of these posts about light and love and then she’s like-“Who is in for a Vegas girls trip?” Now we all not good and dang well that a Vegas trip spells nothing but trouble with a group of women who are either sex-starved or looking hungrily for a man. Believe me, these women are. I guess that I am saying that even though I have many sides to me (mom, daughter, friend, professional, seductress:), woman, child of God, hopeless romantic) I think that they are all pretty much in the middle. Maybe that’s not a good thing. Maybe I need to be a warrior for Christ and need to know every scripture. Maybe I need to be a serial-dater and have all of the men when my kid is away with friends. Perhaps I should work 60 hour weeks so that I could have more income. Okay, maybe the first one is okay to do:)

But seriously, are people super big time fakers on social media? Are they seeking attention? Are they wanting responses? I know that I write on here for responses sometimes. The same thing with Facebook or Instagram. Sometimes, we all just want to be heard and acknowledged. But I think that people need to be real with themselves and decide who they really are. Because we can not serve heaven and hell all at the same time. It is okay to have fun in life and to be human. No one is perfect except of course Jesus Christ. But no one will take us seriously if we are so extreme with our behavior that it makes no sense to not even ourselves.

Be true to you. Put things out there that you are proud of. If you are proud that you are going to a strip club, put it out there. If you are proud of your kid, let it be known. If you are a woman of God, show it. If you are the biggest heathen on earth, I don’t encourage that, but it is who you are. I think people can change and are fickle like me, but changing from a whore to a housewife five minutes between posts is not at all possible. Be real. Be you, If people do not like you for who you are, then that is their issue. I mean we all have things that we have to reel in, in order to not offend. I can’t tell people all of the time exactly what I would like to because it will hurt them. But I am certainly not being fake by using discernment.

I think that is the perfect word. Discernment. It is a word that many people this day and age do not even consider. Before we do anything, we need to always use good judgment and if it is something that is big or  important, I ask for God’s discernment because I am not all-knowing and certainly need all the help that I can get when it comes to making wise choices. I think that we all do.

Moral of story. Be you. Be authentic. Think  before you speak or post. Use wisdom. Ask for God’s help. Actually listen to what God, i.e., your intuition is telling you to do and do that.

Happy almost end of the work week! One more day for most, but I am off until Tuesday!!

Simply~

Dee

I am so incredibly fickle and I started realizing this when I started typing…:)

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I am such a “hot” and “cold” person with my emotions. I had no idea that I was what people refer to as fickle. I remember when I went to school in the 80’s, a friend of mine said I was so fickle. It is a pretty old term, I rarely see it used any where. I wonder if 100 high school students were surveyed on what it means, how few would actually know the answer.

Anyway…I should have really been good at playing the relationship game when I was in an actual relationship, based on the fact that I am so unpredictable when it comes to what I feel. I think that my younger self was so insecure and had daddy issues, so I clung on to people sometimes even when I knew the guy or relationship totally sucked. But, if I would have had more confidence, I would have probably had guys chasing me down the street and singing serenades to me. Because If I have learned nothing else in life, I have learned that guys like girls that don’t like them back as much. Or, girls with mystery.

See, the thing about me is I am extremely complex. I have many layers and I am a lot smarter than a lot of people in my life may be aware of. I don’t always reveal everything about me to everyone. For instance, some of my best friends do not know that I just finished a second Master’s. Weird? But when it comes to men, I would lay out my whole heart and thoughts and at first they found this endearing, and then later were bored because there was no chase left. If I had shown my fickleness, they would have probably stuck around longer. I was trying to agree with and be what they expected or wanted me to be. I was trying to be the “perfect girlfriend”.

But, to be honest, if I would have had real self-worth I would have been just me. All of the time. I think that the real me, the from one extreme to another, brutally honest, and an exhaustingly-organized person that I am would have attracted the right guys and get rid of the losers that I was with much faster than I did. I am writing all of this because I am so back and forth about a lot of things. I am so adamant one month about finding romance to completely waiting for God to send it to me. Then, one day I cannot stand the person I work for and think that her lifestyle is so jacked up. The next minute, I think that she is cool and the other person I work for is a complete witch and I thought I had a genuine friendship with her before.

So, I am wondering today-are all of us FICKLE? Do we all go through different emotions about people, places, things, relationships, events, situations? Or am I an anomaly? I feel like that some of my opinions or emotions can come off as straight up Bi—y, but other times I think that they are justified and that it is strictly THEM and not me. I think if I did show this ‘all over the place’ mentality when with a man, I would have men wrapped around my finger in the way that Kristin Cavalleri did on “The Hills”. Yes, I watched it and loved it.:) I as a mom of a young baby at the time was thinking that if I had that type of attitude as a younger high schooler, I would have had it going on more than I did. I had a hot figure then and my choice of guys, but no idea how to keep them or how to choose good ones.

Fast forward to today. My figure, not so hot. I am still attractive. Still smart. Even smarter about men. But unsure about what I want and when I want it and why I want it. So, perhaps until then I should wait on a relationship. Because even though I have that “KC” attitude and could probably have a guy or 5 chase me for the mere fact that I provide mystery and I am interesting and could provide chase, I think truly wanting and being sure about whether I want one to prove something, or because I really want a partner is what I need to determine.

So as my friend S.M. from high school said long ago: “Girl, you are so fickle”. I think 2 decades later, she is so right.

Tonight I will be blogging about something that is hard for me to control…

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MY OPINION!! I have the hardest time keeping my mouth shut, or more accurately, my laptop shut when it comes to stating how I feel about something, especially something that has gotten under my skin. I am not one of those ‘messy’ somebody’s who goes on social media and shames anyone or points the finger directly. I may say something like: “I was reading a blog or forum today and saw how stay at home mom’s are complaining about snow days…” So, the thing is, I did read that, but it was on someone’s FB who I have been thinking of unfriending. A. I only met her once when hanging out with a mutual mom friend. B. She’s kind of annoying. C. She never wants to be around her kids! Either dates, mom’s night out or being pissed at the schools for being safe in bad weather.

So, I pulled one of my shady tricks. I didn’t mean to lie, I did read the info. But it was from her. Funny thing is, she has only liked maybe 2 of my pics or posts since November and never comments. I have wanted to unfriend her. But, she sure as heck jumped in on this one. She claims that she works-but I have not heard that she did. She also said on the post that: “Education is the problem. That parents are upset that their children are not getting consistent education.” For being out 2 or 3 days this month to save their lives from icy roads? Why can’t these people see their blessings? Maybe I need a  man, or for my business to take off. I don’t know what I need, but I need to stop being so annoyed by these non-factors.

She is most definitely one of those. Somewhat attractive, super insecure, but super vain at the same time. A person that is not even close to being self assured but is trying so desperate to get attention.  Ever met someone like that? They take a gazillion pictures of themselves and then they talk about how fat they are. Anyway, I don’t know if now that I am not a young 20 something anymore, if I have just have no patience or what the deal is. I come off as judgey and as you all know I am trying to work on that. But am I the only person in the world that thinks that the internet is great and educational, but our society seems to be dumber now?

Maybe it is the Virgo in me, or just the me in me? But I am just tired of people that do not want to take responsibility for their choices and so they complain about it all the time. Don’t like being around your kids? Give custody to your ex. Hate your job? Find another one? Sick of being heavier than you like? Lose weight. (I am working on my 30 lbs) Unhappy in a relationship? End it. You get the point. I guess I just wish people would be honest. Or positive. Or proactive. I may not be the greatest success career wise. Heck, I do not even have a professional career right now. But I am happy. I of course need and want more money to do some of the things that I long to do.

But, I can keep working on getting there by trying hard and applying to positions and working on my small business. I don’t think that being negative and bi—ing and complaining will change anything. Of course we all need to vent. I do it from time to time. Probably a lot on this blog I vent. But I don’t do that every conversation on here or with friends. It’s just not positive or fun. Life is too short to always be unhappy. I don’t know how true it is that you can speak things into existence. I err on the side of trying to stay positive and not even utter the bad. Because I have not had things just come to me in life. I figure I need all the help I can get.

So whether speaking things out loud or thinking thoughts that are negative can have real effects on one’s life is valid, I say try to be a glass half full kind of person. What can it hurt to smile and be friendly and have kind words to say? I mean if someone is rude to you, handle your business, but don’t ever be the one that is the nasty person. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule works every time. I will try very hard to keep that in mind when I am trying not to judge people whom I deem as fools…

So, I go from blogging about faith to spies. But “The Americans” is quite a compelling show…

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An acquaintance who I think a lot of told me that she and her hubby love this show on FX called “The Americans”. So, when I heard it was about espionage and government stuff I was in. I bought the first season on Amazon Instant Video after seeing a free episode there and I must say it is very emotional, exciting and loaded with adrenaline-filled moments.

On one hand, I really do like the spies. I mean they are Russian spies sharing secrets about the U.S., so that is not a positive. At all because I am a big time patriot. But there is just something likable about them. They seem like such good parents and they seem so “normal” and “harmless” until they kill someone or try to drown someone, you know, normal spy stuff.

I love the excitement of it, a lot. But then I think about something that I read at the Spy Museum when visiting a few years ago for my daughter’s bday. It said: “There are more spies per capita than there are anywhere else in the world.” After seeing that statement, my daughter and I would look at every person we saw in a trench or someone who looked out of place, with more than a passing glance. There was something electric about it.

But, it is kind of like how I loved the mafia movies of the 80’s and 90’s and then you grow up and realize it isn’t sexy or cool at all. I sometimes think as I pass by buildings with only a street number and no other identifying information, if it is a top secret agency. Then I start thinking about friends that we have and how selective I am about who my daughter hangs out with and who she has sleepovers with. I am pretty confident that these folks aren’t spies. I have known most of our friends for more than 5 years and some for close to 10.

Then, I think about people with jobs that they cannot quite articulate. Or, that they act “shady” about. Some of them are secret service or FBI/CIA. I know that is common here-duh. But, there is a great likelihood in the 20 activities that my kid has been involved with, and the dozens of events and festivals that we have come attended that somewhere we have run into spies for the “other side”-which ever side that may be. Any “side” that is against the U.S. is definitely a side I do not wish o be on, that is for sure.

Perhaps I am being a little dramatic (would not be the first time) or there could be truth in my suspicions. It is so incredibly difficult to explain to someone that things that are scary can also be appealing, or at the least part interesting. But, I have always been a sucker for spy novels and movies and apparently now-shows. As long as I am not personally affected by spies, I will let the romance continue in my head. After all, what harm can it really do?

Simply~

Dee

Today I am blogging about being spiritually fed at church. Are you fulfilled? And, are you spiritual? Or religious?

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I have had people who I consider to be more religious or the new term that everyone seems to feel okay with, spiritual, that I talk about being “fed” or “fulfilled” with their message at church. I don’t go to a mega church, or a hip and modern church. I go to a very traditional Protestant church. I don’t mean traditional in terms of a certain political or social leaning, just in the sense of being a church. We still have a liturgy that people of our denomination all across the nation are preached the same lesson or sermon simultaneously because that is the chosen scripture or book or subject of the week. We sing out of a hymnal. We have an order to our worship. We say the Lord’s Prayer, etc.

Various times over the more than a decade that I have lived in D.C. region, I have wondered if there was a church that could fulfill me more. One with more members, prosperity,more families, more people my age. I have not necessarily been brought to tears but a few times from what I heard in the sermon and I wondered if I needed to feel that way more often. When I take a break from church a lot of the summer, I don’t necessarily long to go back. So does that mean that it is something lacking in the church or within me?

I guess it could be a combination of both. Perhaps our church has become a bit stagnant. We are set in our ways at more than half a century old. I am one of the youngest members and see a need for so many changes. But what do I know? I also, as a person need to change a lot. But it takes a lot of courage and ‘get up and go’ to make real change in oneself or in an institution. I am a wonderful person when it comes to plans and ideas and have helped a lot in that way. But execution of these great thoughts are not what I am always the best at. Sometimes I never complete my vision. I put it out there, but it never comes to fruition. If the church is the same way, can I really blame them?

I had a VERY good time at church today and I do not feel that way very often. Between an early Sunday school, choir practice, the church service itself and several meetings afterward, I laughed a lot. Sometimes my devilish side comes out when in church and I know that part of it is not right, but part of it is all in good fun-GOD does have a sense of humor. The way that people carry themselves on committees and with authoritative positions in the church makes me chuckle quite a lot. I have a friend in church that I can complain to, discuss with and laugh about these situations, which makes in nice.

I had a thought as I was fixing a bite to eat when we got home, and it basically was: “Spiritual nourishment cannot come just from church or hearing the word preached. It comes from ourselves-within. It comes from seeking God through prayer at home. Reading and writing in a devotional. Reading the Bible on our own. Praying before meals. In essence, being spiritually fed is a collective act and if we as Christians or believers of God of any faith do not feel fed, well then perhaps it is our fault.

I have some new friends that we are meeting up with later who go to an Ethical Society rather than a traditional church. They are humanists-whatever that really means. She said it is partly secular and partly spiritual. But they go there to worship. I say, whatever it takes for someone to feel good about their life and to connect with God, or whatever being they feel leads them, go for it. I don’t agree that this society is quite what God meant when he talked about fellowship at church. But, I don’t know their hearts, God does. So, I try to not judge them. I am just thankful that they are seeking goodness and morality because deep down I know that all of it is connected to God. God is love. No God, no peace. Know God, Know peace.

We have all heard that saying. I believe it. I feel that a lot of people who down spirituality, really just fear it. So, whether you are religious, spiritual, both or neither. If you feel a longing that cannot be satisfied by human means, start with yourself before pointing the finger at others. Some people do not try to seek God because there is accountability, and like other relationships, it takes work. If people pretend that God/Jesus does not exist, then their life is just easier. Until it isn’t. That is when they start grasping for answers that they cannot find through Google or through friends. Instead of criticizing these folks, give them a hand. Say a prayer. Though I sometimes do not feel these words, I know that they are true. Prayer works…

Simply~

Dee

Trying to blog and watch one of my favorite Will Smith movies is tough, but somebody’s gotta do it…

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So, I am not dating, kind of tried to last year but I couldn’t fully commit to it. I went on 4 horrible dates with 3 decent guys and one complete douche of a guy. I just did not find in them what I wanted and as much as the movie Hitch, and the Wedding Planner and You Got Mail gives me hope, I just can’t figure it out. What I mean by ‘it’ is love and romance and giving my heart away again. I can’t take just whatever so that I can be a part of a pair. I have to have for once in my life, someone who will make that grand gesture. So until then…

I would looooove to be with someone like Will Smith’s character in Hitch, or Tom Hanks in You Got Mail, or of course Matthew McConaughey in Wedding Planner. Or, even like Gentelmenhood who is an awesome guy who just wrote a book and I am Instagram friends with. He seems to have it all figured out. He is seriously not settling and not going to make mistakes he made in the past with women. He has admitted to his wrongdoing and has committed his life to teaching others how to love and what love is not.

This is very similar to the movie Hitch. In case you haven’t seen it, Alex Hitchins is his character and his job is to pair up the most unlikely men with the objects of their affection. He strictly deals in love and not lust and wants to help men because of how uncertain he was with women when he was younger. He got hurt big time and wants to spread the word about what to do and not to do. Funnily enough, he has a hard time finding love himself. Then he and his love interest have a few ups and downs and the movie ends in a way that makes me very happy.

It really is a novel idea. It is funny and inspiring and gives people like me hope. But, as much hope and inspiration I may seek or receive, I just can’t step out on faith and take the chance. I am pretty much satisfied with sitting at home on Saturday night and blogging after a full day with my kid. I am warm and comfy and am not wasting money at a lounge or 30’s and 40’s going out group so that I can bump into the love of my life in the way that people do on a movie.

It just doesn’t happen for me like that. Everything is not that easy. I have never had things fall into place easily, and frankly I don’t want the man who I will be with forever to happen that way either. I want to have someone who is truly God sent who has eyes for no one but me and who finds all of my quirks irresistible. I have always settled and overlooked things that I detested about a man just to have love. But I do believe that I will find a man (at some point) that will be my true other half.

Until then, I will raise my kid and cats and meet with friends a couple of times a month for a movie or coffee. I will read my Bible, write in my devotional and type my thoughts on here. I will continue to eat well and start to make exercise a priority. Just like I feel that God is preparing a man for me, I have to get myself together for my match as well. I think I am off to a pretty good start…

Hmmm…I want to trust people but don’t know where to start so I will blog…

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I have a short fuse and people get on my nerves, but I am KIND more than I should be sometimes and go out of my way for people a lot. I don’t get used and abused or anything because I got rid of my doormat days years ago. But, I want to be liked and accepted and for someone who always touts that ‘I don’t care what people think’ or that ‘I don’t need any new friends’, it is just me protecting myself. I don’t have ride or die friends as “they” say. I have a whole lot of people who I could call right now if I really needed something, but I don’t have a super deep connection but with a handful of people. I guess that is okay and perhaps even normal-whatever that means-but when I see other people’s situations I question myself. A LOT!

I guess it is the whole Facebook/Instagram phenomenon of group selfies started by celebs and overused by average Joes/Janes. A “friend” of mine posted celebration pictures of an event that she threw for herself the other day and there were quite a few people and I honestly don’t know how this known flake has that many friends. It is not that I am jealous, but I am SO the opposite of flaky. This person will have plans with you and ignore your texts/calls leading up to the event and call the next day swearing she slept through it all. But, the next time she will be all good and actually do what she said she was going to do.

Is friendship and trust the tricky dance that dating and romance are? If you give too much, or are too available, people will take you for granted? I think that if I could sum up my relationships (work, family, friends) in a nutshell, taken for granted would be more of what happens to me than being used. People just think that I will always be there no matter what. I want to change that in a BIG way. My daughter was up for a part near NYC this weekend and after 2nd submission, they decided to go with someone else. I want her to “make it” for many reasons. A. Because she wants to. B. Because it is money for her education and C. So I can get the heck out of D.C. so that people will realize we won’t always be there.

Ridiculous? Maybe so, but I don’t know how to be kind and sweet me without being super giving. But when I feel unappreciated, I go from sweet to b—- in 30 seconds. It’s like I am either one extreme or another and that is not really a good thing. One of my exes, who is the only ex that I keep in contact with, told me once that I am an extremist. He said you either; love or hate, are happy or angry, sweet or mean, excited or somber. I kind of got mad when he said it, but it is partly true. I am rarely an in-the-middle kind of gal. I know what I like, I know who I like and I know what makes me happy.

If, people or places or things do not make me feel good or satisfied or fulfilled, then I move on. I love my D.C., but sometimes I feel like giving another place a chance. This is my 2nd major city that I have called home. But there is such a large world out there. Will “running away” change who I am or my circumstances? Or will I be equally frustrated whether I am in Naples, Italy, or Los Angeles, California. I want to be kind and loving and good to people, but I would like reciprocity a bit more:) Just a thought…

Simply~

Dee