I have a short fuse and people get on my nerves, but I am KIND more than I should be sometimes and go out of my way for people a lot. I don’t get used and abused or anything because I got rid of my doormat days years ago. But, I want to be liked and accepted and for someone who always touts that ‘I don’t care what people think’ or that ‘I don’t need any new friends’, it is just me protecting myself. I don’t have ride or die friends as “they” say. I have a whole lot of people who I could call right now if I really needed something, but I don’t have a super deep connection but with a handful of people. I guess that is okay and perhaps even normal-whatever that means-but when I see other people’s situations I question myself. A LOT!
I guess it is the whole Facebook/Instagram phenomenon of group selfies started by celebs and overused by average Joes/Janes. A “friend” of mine posted celebration pictures of an event that she threw for herself the other day and there were quite a few people and I honestly don’t know how this known flake has that many friends. It is not that I am jealous, but I am SO the opposite of flaky. This person will have plans with you and ignore your texts/calls leading up to the event and call the next day swearing she slept through it all. But, the next time she will be all good and actually do what she said she was going to do.
Is friendship and trust the tricky dance that dating and romance are? If you give too much, or are too available, people will take you for granted? I think that if I could sum up my relationships (work, family, friends) in a nutshell, taken for granted would be more of what happens to me than being used. People just think that I will always be there no matter what. I want to change that in a BIG way. My daughter was up for a part near NYC this weekend and after 2nd submission, they decided to go with someone else. I want her to “make it” for many reasons. A. Because she wants to. B. Because it is money for her education and C. So I can get the heck out of D.C. so that people will realize we won’t always be there.
Ridiculous? Maybe so, but I don’t know how to be kind and sweet me without being super giving. But when I feel unappreciated, I go from sweet to b—- in 30 seconds. It’s like I am either one extreme or another and that is not really a good thing. One of my exes, who is the only ex that I keep in contact with, told me once that I am an extremist. He said you either; love or hate, are happy or angry, sweet or mean, excited or somber. I kind of got mad when he said it, but it is partly true. I am rarely an in-the-middle kind of gal. I know what I like, I know who I like and I know what makes me happy.
If, people or places or things do not make me feel good or satisfied or fulfilled, then I move on. I love my D.C., but sometimes I feel like giving another place a chance. This is my 2nd major city that I have called home. But there is such a large world out there. Will “running away” change who I am or my circumstances? Or will I be equally frustrated whether I am in Naples, Italy, or Los Angeles, California. I want to be kind and loving and good to people, but I would like reciprocity a bit more:) Just a thought…