I am such a “hot” and “cold” person with my emotions. I had no idea that I was what people refer to as fickle. I remember when I went to school in the 80’s, a friend of mine said I was so fickle. It is a pretty old term, I rarely see it used any where. I wonder if 100 high school students were surveyed on what it means, how few would actually know the answer.
Anyway…I should have really been good at playing the relationship game when I was in an actual relationship, based on the fact that I am so unpredictable when it comes to what I feel. I think that my younger self was so insecure and had daddy issues, so I clung on to people sometimes even when I knew the guy or relationship totally sucked. But, if I would have had more confidence, I would have probably had guys chasing me down the street and singing serenades to me. Because If I have learned nothing else in life, I have learned that guys like girls that don’t like them back as much. Or, girls with mystery.
See, the thing about me is I am extremely complex. I have many layers and I am a lot smarter than a lot of people in my life may be aware of. I don’t always reveal everything about me to everyone. For instance, some of my best friends do not know that I just finished a second Master’s. Weird? But when it comes to men, I would lay out my whole heart and thoughts and at first they found this endearing, and then later were bored because there was no chase left. If I had shown my fickleness, they would have probably stuck around longer. I was trying to agree with and be what they expected or wanted me to be. I was trying to be the “perfect girlfriend”.
But, to be honest, if I would have had real self-worth I would have been just me. All of the time. I think that the real me, the from one extreme to another, brutally honest, and an exhaustingly-organized person that I am would have attracted the right guys and get rid of the losers that I was with much faster than I did. I am writing all of this because I am so back and forth about a lot of things. I am so adamant one month about finding romance to completely waiting for God to send it to me. Then, one day I cannot stand the person I work for and think that her lifestyle is so jacked up. The next minute, I think that she is cool and the other person I work for is a complete witch and I thought I had a genuine friendship with her before.
So, I am wondering today-are all of us FICKLE? Do we all go through different emotions about people, places, things, relationships, events, situations? Or am I an anomaly? I feel like that some of my opinions or emotions can come off as straight up Bi—y, but other times I think that they are justified and that it is strictly THEM and not me. I think if I did show this ‘all over the place’ mentality when with a man, I would have men wrapped around my finger in the way that Kristin Cavalleri did on “The Hills”. Yes, I watched it and loved it.:) I as a mom of a young baby at the time was thinking that if I had that type of attitude as a younger high schooler, I would have had it going on more than I did. I had a hot figure then and my choice of guys, but no idea how to keep them or how to choose good ones.
Fast forward to today. My figure, not so hot. I am still attractive. Still smart. Even smarter about men. But unsure about what I want and when I want it and why I want it. So, perhaps until then I should wait on a relationship. Because even though I have that “KC” attitude and could probably have a guy or 5 chase me for the mere fact that I provide mystery and I am interesting and could provide chase, I think truly wanting and being sure about whether I want one to prove something, or because I really want a partner is what I need to determine.
So as my friend S.M. from high school said long ago: “Girl, you are so fickle”. I think 2 decades later, she is so right.