I have been talking to my friend on the phone that I found out was married a week ago. Again, the relationship over social media and other communication means was not inappropriate in nature.But, because the person is married and did not speak about it up front or ever bring it up, it makes the friendship just wrong. I didn’t talk to him over the weekend and I never contact him first. But, I still talk to him and I think I should not do it at all, or so often.

So, I have prayed for God to help me with the situation. Though I can cut people off and ignore them I don’t like to do that. Well, at the beginning of the week he didn’t text me all day and I haven’t heard from him at all today. It may sound silly, but I have really gotten used to talking to him and communicating with him over social media so he seems like a friend at this point.

So, I have asked and I guess I received! I don’t want to mess up my chances with a guy that could be for me, talking to someone else’s guy. I would never do that kind of thing to my partner and unfortunately, all of these different ways to communicate make it so easy for people to have these dishonest relationships.

It’s like I have the red horned guy on one shoulder and the white dress and halo on the other. I don’t want to talk to him, and I know it’s wrong, but when he calls, I answer. Our phone conversations are fun and it is effortless and easy like an old friend. That is hard to find. I think because I live somewhere else, it doesn’t feel the same as it would if he lived in my area.

I am going to try to put more time and energy into writing, my editing work, my work work and my workouts because I am letting this whole man thing get in the way of everything-literally. I have got to stop obsessing over all of this and just let it go. God has my back and has a plan. Right? I won’t have to chase what is supposed to be for me, right?

I really get into the idea of dating and then I am all about it and then I flee from it out of fear. Then 2 years later, I am still not with anyone because I won’t put myself out there. I want it to happen organically and it hasn’t so I am trying something new. Then I stress about it. There goes my whole ADHD not being able to focus on one thing issue. I don’t know how to keep my life balanced and compartmentalized. I try too, and I can in some areas. But in other areas it is overwhelming.

For me, my child is a big piece of the pie. She is 75 percent. Work is 10 percent. Things I like to do are 10 percent. But having someone in my life has to be more than 5 percent, but I don’t know how to make it more without disrupting the balance. I think that I am afraid that if I make it more, then I will really be committing, therefore putting my heart on the line again. There we go folks! I just saved my self a 250 dollar an hour session with a therapist just by blogging!

Thanks for reading my crazy roller coaster of emotions as of late. I have so much going on in my mind that it is refreshing to be able to get on here and fully open up so that I don’t completely explode! A friend of mine wanted to know the name of my blog, and I just can’t tell people that I know about it. I open up more on here than I do with anyone that I know. I value and respect the opinions of other bloggers and I appreciate the comments from you guys. Especially Prosperity and Calamities and Revolutionary Christian for their insight.

I am thankful actually for all of you whom subscribe and read this mess I call my life. I feel like I have found a real kinship with some of you. Please keep reading and commenting because maybe one day I will get myself together and my blog posts will be less “all over the place.”

simply~

Dee