simply Dee (in D.C.)

So, Vol 1 of Wednesday’s- Wit, Wisdom and Wonderings (and perhaps What not)…

So, yeah. I’m gonna try doing this every Wednesday. Things on my mind, things I observe or just something I find curious, or my viewpoint on differing situations.

In today’s chapter of WWWW, I will discuss nature vs nurture and how fantastical it all is and strange.

So, I am currently nannying for twins. The girl: fiery, bossy, fun-loving, full of personality. Day 2 of being with her and she was in my lap to take her milk and watch Sesame Street. The boy: fearful, cautious, teary-eyed. They are both loved a lot by live-in grandparents and their mom. As a matter of fact, the little boy is doted on more because of his personality.

Why are they so different? I have observed them for 3 straight days and they could not be more opposite. In every single way. She grabs what she wants and he timidly takes whatever is left over. He cries at the drop of a toy and she giggles over Elmo’s voice. How could at this young age they have such marked personality differences?

They haven’t been around many people as they have stayed at home with grandma until I came along. Some people would make the argument that he is lacking something, had I not explained this all in detail. But he actually gets the most attention because he is not independent and is coddled much more.

So, nature seems to be the clear culprit here. People/beings are born with certain ways/tendencies, no matter what their story is. There are psychologists who would argue that this is not possible that likes/dislikes, fears, etc do not happen until there are multiple outside experiences and influences. Well this one scenario has already debunked that school of thought.

Another scenario- I adopted 2 kittens at 8 weeks old from a friend when I was a teen. One was: scared of life, I could barely pat her on the head and was a follower and timidly ate her food. The other was: rebellious (tore up things constantly), was loving and very domineering.

I got them at the same time. They were from the same litter. In this situation they were also the same sex. They both lived with me from a young age and were in a stable environment. Why so different? I was so young so it is not like I just spent tons of time with the bold cat, I saw them and nurtured them equally.

So again, nature wins. How is it possible with similar experiences and environments, animals in this case, could have such opposite personas? God has apparently wired us all different. Despite what many think, it can’t be solely related to nurture because I have 2 concrete examples and there are many more. You are probably thinking of similar situations.

This article https://www.workstyle.io/how-personality-develops

paints the picture that it can’t be nature alone and I can agree with that a bit. As we grow up, our experiences help to mold our personality, but read these words-it does not create it. At least in my opinion. And some psychologists are beginning to be members of both camps.

What do you think? I’m curious to know.

~simply

Dee

So, standing up for what I deserved was what I did…

So, I finally left that freaking wretched place. Last year this time I was talking about not using my brain enough and now it is too much! I am just wanting to be at a place where people APPRECIATE how hard I work and leave me to it.

Is that possible or even probable regarding work? Do people ever have days filled with happiness when they are giving their all to make other people rich? Working with animals or children, there is at least reward in the work. But the reward with a role working 55 plus hours a week with no flexibility? The greedy overlords buying more peoperty .

I am finally about to get my happy on! D said that a workplace or any place can’t dictate happiness, but I beg to differ. It can definitely affect one’s personality and one’s life as many hours that are spent there. It turned me into a sleepy and grumpy, unhappy person a lot of the time. I was like a walking representation of some of the 7 Dwarves:)

To go back to doing freelance and nanny work and pet sitting which make me happy, although I am making less money, seems worth it. I couldn’t fathom staying one more minute in a unhealthy place that had 4 HR people since April. A place where lies are made to keep employees from communicating with one another.

The owners were on travel 4 months out of the 12 months I was there. And they came in at 12, or not at all! The communication style was not communicating and rewards were nonexistent. It was such an unprofessional work environment and not for me, especially with dysfunction on every level. You get the point, toxicity times a mil.

The admin of 2 years is leaving this week. I left last week and I give the new HR person a few months and she will be out. So yeah, kinda unstable environment that I am now free of! Hallelujah!!

Life is so short and the job was affecting me long after quitting time and even on weekends. To me, 12 months of not being happy was just 12 months too long. So, I went on an interview and asked a few questions about flexibility. Based on the way body language was, I could tell that despite what was said on the phone, being flex was not a part of this guy’s vernacular.

For the first time ever probably, I chose me. I chose my feelings and thoughts and needs. And turned it down though I desperately wanted to leave my job. This is the thing-if you met me, as a few of you have, I am often outspoken and exude confidence. But inside, there is a nagging feeling of inadequacy or self consciousness.

The lack of belief in myself has always been right under the surface. But now, I have gotten better. Much Better. So I went on another interview and another and found a job to fit me. My schedule. My personality and my needs. And as I take my lunch break today, I realize it was the best decision for my mental health needs.

D was not totally on board with this at first and didn’t quite understand. It is probably because he thinks I can do more. And I can, but sometimes simplicity is what one needs most. In a conversation with him the other night (many nights actually) he helped me to realize that I am going to have to demand more no matter what I am doing. So I quit my job as a result and accepted this one.

I learned though this experience and many others that I will continue to treat people kindly, but won’t allow them to operate in a crazy way. I will handle them within reason, vs in the past I would lose my crap after too much and start throwing things-true job story, haha. I was proud of the way way I handled the mistreatment on this last job, by speaking my truth and simply walking away.

I kinda love/hate Facebook but I saw this article today and it was pretty dope. We’ve all seen lists like this before but this one spoke to me.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1772719949539708&id=1339965909481783

So hopefully if you are going through a struggle: job, relationship, friendship or whatever, you will just be fabulous you and more importantly take care of you and your needs. And even though it may seem scary, step out on faith and know that God has a plan that is better than what you can imagine….

~simply

Dee

So, a poem about nice

Nice: a sad, absurd word

I’ve always believed NICE to be a valuable attribute

Going over hill and dale to show people I care

Holding doors, assisting others, smiles and laughs

But reward is little and the pain is huge

Losing my cool and putting down my foot

‘Tis merely a result of consternation or hurt

Happy-go-lucky, a label I have gladly worn

Over time has become tattered and torn

Not even sure if nice fits any longer, it’s so misshapen and worn

Tossing and turning through questions of who I am

Merely reveals my weakness and desire to please

I long to change, to be lackadaisical, carefree

The type of person that many hope to be

Not this small, skeletal version of my true self

An overall naivete that people are inherently good

A pattern repeated more than the hairs on my head

I want to be untrusting and cold

Only looking out for self and gain

But the Godly part inside won’t relent

This half lamb/wolf persona ends on a sad note

I sharpen my teeth, toughen up, yet I slip from grace

Meanwhile, true wolves escape triumphant, once again

I walk with hat in hands, head bowed in defeat

No matter how victorious I feel, I know losing is on my horizon

Still I muster up courage to face another morn

Smile plastered on, affirmations on my tongue’s tip

By afternoon’s crest, I feel surrender yet again

The battle far from over, a war that I probably will never win

~Simply

Dee

So, overdue for a poem

Workplace Blues

I feel kicked in the teeth as I walk in the door

My demeanor changes and my voice loses its cuteness

I weep while preparing for my monotonous call

I wake up exclaiming thanks to God for a new day but

I enter the building of dread and despair feeling less than

Beat down by words of disapproval

Making someone else have pockets busting to be sewn

All the while I am counting out meager savings

And hoping and praying to toil anywhere but here

No longer golden, mistreated for reasons unknown

What hurts is, I try and give too many hours to this hell

Caring so much for a wage not close to my value

I am strong but I am weary from the fight

I am smart but feel dumbed down with monotony

Spending ridiculous hours minutes and milliseconds

I will never get them back, priceless time discarded

This adulting thing never has felt right

I am a go-getter, but deplore usual ways of funding a life

The answer now is not walking out, but is all I can fathom

I have to will myself to stay and keep my chin up

This too shall pass, the good Lord says

At this very moment, benefits and bills paid are not enough

I don’t know how long I can withstand scrutiny

Misunderstood and discarded is not my story

I will prevail, but when and where and how?

I am praying a miracle situation will sweep me away

A creative environment that fosters decency

And a little tiny speck of appreciation

I can’t do this much longer, so I can only believe

A sweet victory will come upon me like a breeze

It will whip in and I will step into it, never to return

Only to prevail in the greatness trapped within…

So yeah, life is good because I am still here,otherwise, it’s meh…

So, I HATE my job. My boss has suddenly decided to mega micro manage and has taken out all of her aggression/issues out on myself and another co-worker. My daughter is being harassed/bullied/freezed out by crap people at school. So yeah, I am all rainbows and unicorns and sparkles right about now.:) No, really, I am obviously blessed by God above to have a home and love and income. No doubt. I truly do appreciate what/who I have in my life. I just can’t seem to get all the happy in place at one time. You know? It’s like I just want to keep the smile all day like a lot of people do.

I keep going back to that old green eyed monster thing where I see people walking their kids around in a stroller and just want their lives. I want my biggest worry to be whether to cook meatloaf or roasted chicken. D is all like- “they have problems too, but different problems”. But I know people like them. Several people like them. They belong to the good swim clubs and their husbands pay all of the bills and their job is to raise the kids. I used to hang with them. But I was a work at home/stay at home mom, doing all kinds of gigs to stay afloat because I was a single mom for 10 years.

D says that I should always answer a problem or resolve something when blogging, otherwise I am just ranting with no resolution. That may be true. But is there always a cheery list of things to do, like in Real Simple magazine on how to organize/fix everything? I want to be one of those popular bloggers with the perfect pics and always having the right things to say, but real talk- I AM NOT. I am flawed and aggravated and over all of the b.s. But I will make one of usual lists just to keep everything uniform. (snark time).

How to fix what is wrong with my mood/life:

Not care

So, I feel behind on life…

So, watching the Office and speaking with a stranger at Target, made me feel like I am so behind at life. Kind of weird that watching Jim and Pam’s wedding and speaking with a young woman in the Target bargain section has made me question my station/progress/level in life.

I don’t know how to explain it exactly, other than feeling like I did many things wrong and that I could be so much further along financially. And how much time I spent doing things I hated and being with people who did not appreciate me fully, or at all. So much of it boils down to lack of confidence. Being confident that you can or having the self worth to know your value is priceless.

Believe me when I say my kid is an overachiever and exudes confidence like nobody’s business. I meant that the harum scaraum way that I did things in my younger years would not be passed down to her. I think parenting, personality and home environment have a lot to do with how people move through life. But sometimes it is just plain ambition and personal effort that makes a huge difference.

I am not in like a woe-is-me mood or anything oh. I just get haunted with regret from time to time.. But as DJ always tells me, I went through those trials and situations so that I could teach and prepare my daughter. He is sweet and so kind and what he says sounds good, but I’m not sure if it’s totally accurate. Maybe if I would have made better choices earlier, she would have a better life now. But, maybe I wouldn’t have her at all if by choices were different. And that would be tragic.

So as I often do, by writing this out, I am reconciling my feelings. And I am realizing that I am behind compared to many people I know (I know, I know, comparison is a thief of joy) and most of the reason I am is because I did not have my crap together. And I take ownership of that. But, in comparing and thinking and wrestling with my thoughts I realize that I am not all that bad though I lack, like we all do. But what is important is realizing what I have outweighs what I don’t.

I don’t:

Own a home

Have tons of cash set back

Have perfect credit

Have a career I love

But I do have:

A God that gives me Grace

Love

A wonderfully gifted daughter

My health

A job

A plan to put more moolah away

Improving Credit

My mom

A place to live

The sense to realize my life isn’t that bad

In closing, when you start struggling with guilt and regret like I do. Make a list of the pros and cons and you will feel silly like me when you realize how much you have going on. My life has been good. Unconventional maybe. Not on a structured timeline, but I am here. I am a survivor and most importantly, I am alive.

Simply~

Dee

So, Lord, this I pray…ways to cope with the stressors of life.

So, Lord, I pray for much and more often than I say thanks and I know that is not right. But I am trying hard to be more thankful and enjoy the moment and give God the thanks HE is due.

The whole saying about comparing oneself to others stealing Joy from us is spot on. I see moms on the way to yoga in the morning as I drop my kid off after walking a dog and then going to a job that stresses me out. All I can think of is how lucky they are with their easy lives. It is hard being in an affluent area to not compare and even feel bad about oneself and what is lacking.

I really do try to count my blessings and stay on the positive side of things. But I feel like I have to work so hard to just be at an average financial level and I want things to change, especially career wise but don’t feel like I have enough time to shake up My Life. I’m super blessed with my solid partner in life and a talented kid and gorgeous pet. But I’m so bored and unhappy with my 9 to 5 that it sort of spills over into my chill time.

What I decided to do to combat this is easy to say but hard to practice. I am beginning this now. Let’s practice it together!

1. Pray. Relax your mind and just be thankful and present in positive thoughts whether it be hands clasped kneeling by your bed or listening to headphones on the metro. Not allowing your mind to “go there” and be ungrateful or get into complaint mode is key. If you aren’t the praying type, meditation or journal writing may help or taking a walk along the river and just being quiet.

2. Hope. I am going to practice being hopeful and faithful that I will totally be where I want to be. And that if it takes awhile longer than I wish it would, I will get there. I wished for a beautiful daughter and a great life mate and that happened! Having faith in God, reading the Bible or perhaps going to church is one way to do this. Believing in oneself and saying positive affirmations is another way to practice hopefulness. Different things work for different people. Just speak goodness and goodness will come back. It is difficult, but worth a try.

3. Think Young. When I was a little girl, my biggest fear was losing my stuffed animals and dolls in a fire. My days were filled with fervor and excitement. Of course as adults we have to face reality, but we can always redirect what our focus is on, like not only thinking how to save money for retitement, but also where to travel and what hobbies to take up when we don’t have to work any longer.

4. Take time to enjoy. That can mean flipping through a magazine, talking to a loved one during lunch, writing, singing, trying new things, etc. It sounds so simple but when stressed it can really be hard to get back to just finding happiness in the small things.

5. Just breathe. Breathing is involuntary, but when wound tight it is so important to be mindful of it. Just counting while inhaling and exhaling to calm down during a trying time actually helps a lot. It will not fix the dilemma but can redirect one’s feelings and clearing head space a bit. This could even be taking time to smell flowers and just slow down and appreciate the beauty that surrounds.

Bottom Line. Be Thankful. Whether you’re Christian a Buddhist or a non-believer, if you are reading this post right now that means you have a lot to be grateful for. So much of the world’s population can’t even afford a phone or may not have access to education or technology. Every time that you think about something that you’re lacking or what you have isn’t shiny and new enough, think about those that have to walk miles to just get H2O. I have to work on this myself. While I am spending 3.50 a day at Starbucks there are people trying to scrape that together to buy a loaf of bread and peanut butter to feed their family. We are all human and have things that we’re irritated about, but for me personally, being more thankful to God for what HE has blessed me with, grounds me every single time.

We all have to change the way we feel about things when we feel blue. As DJ always says to me- You can’t change people and situations always, but you can change the reaction. Hopefully these little steps can help me or anyone who wants to, improve whatever it is that is lacking in their life (or what seems to be so).

What do you guys do to refocus or reimagine or to cope?

~simply

Dee

So, a poem on being done with it all, except greatness…

I’m fed up,

I’m done, but not finished.

I can no longer hold back.

There is greatness inside of me.

I am too sparkly to be dulled.

There are too many good ideas.

Many great theories to share.

I can no longer quell them.

Ineptness from “superiors” drains me.

So, no more talking the talk.

I have emerged from a fog.

Decades in the making.

Perfecting my walk to the beacon of light.

Away from things unfulfilling.

My head pounds with intensity

I won’t stop.

No feeble excuses.

I will be the audiobook to hear.

Doubters beware.

I’m on my way.

In a big way…

~simply

Dee

So, time for a poem or is it a story?

I toss away people like tissue on the floor

It keeps the hurt away and my heart from being sore

Protecting myself is goal number one

After so many disappointments I find it easier to shun

I want to be one who holds people near

But looking in my contacts there are few that are dear

I love the people I love with all of my might

I have unleashed my heart to them

The love I have inside is a sight

Because of past scars getting close is not a thing

I can’t let down my guard too much

Or let my heart soar and truly sing

I cry constantly at movies, books and songs with ease

But those are merely stories so my heart cannot be seized

I am a lover, a fighter, a softie yet tough

I open up and then back away so that no one can rebuff

I reveal myself to strangers more than to those I really know

It is easier to radiate me and all that I am

Then I can shine and truly glow

Those who think they know me I don’t reveal my truth

I keep it inside like a shiny bow

With a smile on my face and a strut in my step

Protecting me while remaining couth

~ simply

Dee

So, I feel like I am often on the outside looking in or vice versa… Do you?

So, I have never felt that I truly fit in anywhere, completely. As a result, I have in some ways diminished the sparkling personality that is part of who I am in order to not be ‘so me’. At other times I am all about being overly sparkly and letting people deal with it.

I constantly bounce between being the bold and fab version of myself and then later nonverbally apologizing for it by not being so bright and so “me”. I think that when I am all strong with an ftw attitude, it is a defense mechanism. Because I just feel like an outsider in a lot of situations.

I really wish theatre would have been so cool and thriving when I was in school as I think those folks would have been ‘my people’ like they are for my kid. Theatre people are often the quintessential outsiders and nowadays, that quirkiness is often celebrated. My beautiful little thespian is a self-professed geek and weirdo and doesn’t apologize for it. Neither do her talented gaggle of fellow actors.

I envy that. But at my age, and being a parent, the inability to not relate or fit in is not viewed so fondly. I want to not care, but watching shows like Friends or seeing my friend’s stories on social media makes me feel so inept in the friend department. And the thing is, I am a friendly and funny gal. Most people are happy to see me/be around me. But I either attract flaky or controlling friends (totally opposite I know) or the people I know, I just don’t vibe with morally or they aren’t my type.

So what’s my type of friend you may wonder. Hmmmm. Funny, intellectual, chill to be around, Christian or spiritual, an independent thinker (not swayed by populist opinion), a creative, giving, loving, loyal, into animals (huge), out of the box thinker. Huge laundry list? Maybe so, but at this point in life, after helping and befriending so many that were undeserving of my time and friendship, I would rather spend time with my cat than settle. Between the kid, the guy and aforementioned feline, and the job, I just don’t have a lot left to give. In other words times is too valuable to throw away.

So as a result of past negative experiences and priorities that outweigh my being a part of a brunch squad, I just don’t really try anymore.

And as I have mentioned before, the snobbery that is part of the DC area culture, just doesn’t work for me either. So though yeah, I am going to a winery with some folks in a couple of weeks, and I occasionally meet up with someone for coffee, I feel kind of lacking in the gal pal department. A lot of this preoccupation of my lack stems from not only sitcoms and social media, but because my kiddo will be out of the nest in less than 5 years.

My guy is my bff no doubt. I would rather be with him and hang out and do activities with him than anyone else in the world besides the babygirl. He is my ride or die, my tried and true. But when he moves here and we see each other every day, he may want to go shooting or join an art class or something else from time to time, sans me. And I want him to be happy. I may want to go get my nails done or watch a movie that is just way too girly for his liking. So that is kind of why all of this has come to the forefront of my mind I guess. The pre-empty nest syndrome is rearing its ugly head. And most friends I love live all around the country.

I feel like a teen in a 40 something’s body, feeling awkward and out of place at times and other times not giving a flip about what people think/say/do. Most of the time it is the latter as I am very fulfilled with my little fam and job. But sometimes the desire to be a part of a girl group (not a singing one) creeps in. Instead of feeling all dreary and defeated, I have decided to focus on some ways to tackle these feelings. If you all struggle with these thoughts as well, these are some suggestions:

1. Exercise more

2. Pray regularly

3. Read more often

4. Write daily

5. Prioritize daily goals/weekly/monthly

6. Count blessings

7. Enjoy this stage of life, even the annoying parts

These sound like common sense things to do. Right? But sometimes doing the simple, makes the difficult more manageable. Make sense?

What do you do to feel pull yourself out of a funk or anxious moments or periods? Please dish in the comments. Would love to try more strategies.

~simply

Dee

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