SO, I do not know about you all, but I let things hold me back. I do work a lot, I run around somewhere all of the time and am constantly doing stuff for my hs senior, or spending time with her or BG or my cat. So it is easy for me to not make time for writing. Or exercise or church. I am sure you all can relate, today’s society, but particularly in America, and definitely on the East Coast is rush, rush, rush. So there is a bit of keeping up with what everyone around us is doing and the need to do it all, and quick! But in all honesty, I am avoiding the important things, and I think there is one common theme interwoven between them. Lack of true motivation, due to an underlying cause, pain and fear.
I am afraid to delve deep into what is hurting me so that keeps me from writing. Letting everything out will be like a waterfall and I just do not know if I am ready. And I also kind of have this fear of failure. Like what if I get my hopes up and nothing comes of my dream? What if I am fooling myself? What if this is not my intended path? It happened for so-and-so, but they are lucky, I never get a break, etc. I am a bit of a worrier sometimes and less of a risk taker, more than I would like to admit. Most people would say, how hard could it be to type out thoughts. It really is not when someone puts it like that, but there is an emotional aspect that constantly holds me back and I am trying hard to push through it. Self doubt and the lack of desire to deal with all of my feelings has been crippling my talent and withholding my gifts. I will not let this happen anymore. It is dumb and ridiculous and will make me live with regret if I do not just try. So, I am trying. I am typing now. I am reading more. I am carrying a notebook. So that counts for something! I am going to be one of those disciplined writers that other people aspire to be like, I just know it!:)
Church, wow. A place I spent a lot of time at from 2004 to 2016. My kiddo grew up going practically every Sunday. But then we met BG (Best Guy) and started going to visit him, or he would be here on Sunday, leaving only a few hours after church and was only here about 6 days a month, so church kind of fell by the wayside. And truthfully, I was tired of going there. I adore the pastor and still have a friend there that I care for, a lot. But the average age of members is 25 to 30 years older than me, so there was definitely no one there for my kiddo. And also, my mom died. When she would come to town, we went there every holiday together, and on regular Sundays too. It is hard for me to step back in there because of that. Dec 2019, my mom started going downhill and the last time we went to church there was that Christmas. Walking through there will be a flood of memories and people asking about her. I am not ready. But I feel that I have an obligation to go to church somewhere because I do not want my kid to lose her way with God, so I am going to find a place to visit. Soon! I have been searching for a while. Cannot wait to find a good fit for our family and to hopefully meet some great new people to be a part of our family friend group.
Working out. Hmmmm. I do not know what my deal is with this. About 6 years ago, I was in the best shape of my adulthood. I was walking about 40 miles a week, doing HIIT, eating clean and feeling great. I still was 40 lbs from my goal weight though. And no matter what I did, I could not lose more. Then early 2019 I hurt my ankle and found out there is a tear. It has held me back a lot. I do not know if my lack of exercise is due to fear of hurting myself more, or if I have just become lazy. But now, I am about 70 lbs from my goal weight, and tired and pretty out of shape at this point. I cannot even stick to a meal plan, though I do try. And I used to be so good. But part of the lack of effort is I think I have been in a 2 year depression. There is also frustration with my endocrine issues. I can go 100 percent, 7 days a week with few cheats, and barely lose what I should be losing. Between grief, injury, no thyroid and PCOS, I have been not into workouts regularly. But, I am excited, one of my clients is giving me a practically new exercise bike and delivering it. So I can put that in my room and I am sure it will be easier to motivate myself. That is a blessing that I will take advantage of!
God is good, he knows what I need and is providing those things without me even working hard to get them, and all in the last month!
BG bought me a new laptop for writing
A woman I met at a play, invited me to her church
I am getting handed an exercise machine that is not in my budget
If those are not signs, I do know what else to call them! What things do you struggle with? What is holding you back from doing them? Are you an excuse maker like I am? Have you delved into the WHY? I would love to hear from you all! Hit the subscribe button, and also email me- firstname.lastname@example.org . I will be looking for your questions, suggestions and comments. We are all in this together! Share away!