So, here I am. Nearing what is considered to be middle age these days. I grew up in the 80’s so, do the math. Anyway, it seems that in matters, I would not care too much at this point. But sometimes I miss having regular and healthy friendships. No whoa-is-me post going on here, it’s just that so much of my life I have busted my a– giving to people and I just don’t want to do it so much anymore. All of the energy that I have goes to my kid, my guy and my job and on self-improvement. So when my girlfriend from highschool told me yestertday that she had so many thoughtful friends, I said: “Really? That is nice. I don’t really have any friends here.” She was all like-awwww.
She has so many of them now, according to her. Part of me was jealous and then I thought about how I enjoy conversations with her, but do not like to see her in person. I then wondered if her “thoughtful” friends see her that often or if they are like me and enjoy her at a distance. I then realized that when I used to talk to her many times a day a few years back, I had a lot less to do. I was working from home and I was a lot more available to her. But once my life got super busy and super full, I talked to her less, which is a sore subject with her. I feel that she resents that in a way. Like I abandoned her. I have felt that way before about a friend, but it was when I was much younger. What is great about talking to her is history, not much more.
I kind of feel like Facebook is to blame for these rekindled-dysfunctional friendships. It’s like we (folks in mid-30’s and beyond) have connected with people from high school or earlier that should have been left where they were. But then there are those people who were great that contact was lost with due to being young and moving a lot and not being settled, that make social media so valuable, at least for me. In the 90’s when google and social media was not yet around, it was tough to find people unless they or you stayed in the same area. So as far as being reunited with those few precious people, I am truly grateful. But I think some of the other people from my past could have continued to be absent from my life. But in this super busy world, it is just good to talk to a girlfriend sometimes, whether she is pushy and overbearing or not.
There are people who live here whom I have known for over a decade and they are great, but I don’t see them very much at all. They like me have time for work, kids, their spouse or s/o and that is about it. Unless someone is a single person, has no kids, or doesn’t have a lot going on, it is hard to put a lot of effort into friends. I think that is where the beauty of the old friends comes into play. There doesn’t have to be constant contact with people from “back in the day”. Talking a few times a month or less and commenting on each other’s posts or pics does the trick. I talked to my old roommate from the 90’s the other day and because we are so closely connected on Insta and Fb, it feels like we talk much more than we actually do.
Now I am the first to complain about social media changing our lives and many times not for the better. But it does help me to stay in tune with people whom I never see in person, or rarely, and feel a sense of contentment and connectedness. And yes I miss having friends to meet up for coffee with on the regular and happy hour, etc. But the truth is, my life is so full with the people I love and just daily life, that there isn’t much room for anything else. Watching Friends religiously as I do as made me realize that I wish I had someone nearby me whom I really had an affinity for and we had a lot in common and understood my humor, but then I realize that I have that in ML.
Some people may roll their eyes at the whole “he completes me” bit, but having him in my life has really quenched the desire to be all “Sex and the City”with girlfriends. First off, my daughter is my priority and in less than 6 years she will be attending college. I want all of my spare time to be with the two of them. Because between her school and his job and my work, how much time is there really? I want to devote most of my time to those who are closest to me. That is natural, right? I feel like when she moves out, I hope it is not as early as 18, but when she does, I will have time to develop friendships or spend time more with the existing people I know. I think that most of the people who I know feel the exact same way.
Those who don’t feel full and have the “cup runneth over” philosophy can’t relate to those who do. I used to be much like my grouchy friend from days gone by. Okay, maybe I am a bit envious of my demanding and sometimes mean girlfriend because she has become a “lady who lunches”. Her hubby makes over a quarter of a million a year, she brings in chump change and is constantly going on little trips and getting her nails and hair done. She has time to smooch and schmooze with other people. Or maybe she is just like me and only talks to them on the phone. But she has more kids than I and is married, but she doesn’t seem satiated. So she turns to friends to fill in the gap. And she still isn’t nice?!
That used to be me. Except I have always been nice.:) I really needed people to help complete me. Maybe I was lacking God in my life in the way that I needed Him. Or maybe, no definitely, I was lacking in the love department. Now that I have this quality love and fulfillment with my guy and my kid and my fat cat, I just don’t care to waste my time with other people. That may sound harsh. It may sound like I am not being a “girl’s girl” or that I am letting a man fill up every aspect of my life. Maybe it seems that way. But I have this deep, innate, demanding feeling in my gut to only have quality in my life and I would rather have fewer people or distractions rather, and actually have a real sense of fulfillment.
I want more friends. I want to have those fun Instagram pic memes with me and my friends clinking champagne and looking fab. I want to belong to a cool women’s book club and have a real friend to get a mani and pedi with and actually enjoy their company. I want to have a sis of sorts to see a rom-com with that my guy may not be into or that is too mature for my kid. But right now I would rather have the love of my little family. I would rather have my retirement planning as a focus and re-building my credit as a focus. The superhero movie marathons and cooking meals together is totally fulfilling for me at this time. And, when the time is right, those desired friendships will come along, or they won’t. But for the first time in my life, I am okay with or without it…