So, my mind is so bogged down with thoughts…

So, I can’t focus because I haven’t been writing down my thoughts and opinions and experiences on the regular. I mean 5 months without blogging was torture mentally! I started writing poetry in a journal again for a couple of weeks, but I am the kind of person that needs to rant. And talk. And expound. And go on and on. I am what popular culture call “extra”. IĀ  mean I am sweet and low maintenance for the most part, but sometimes I get on my soapbox and just need to let my thoughts spill forth. And sometimes, the thoughts aren’t even profound, but I just want to say them anyway.

Since I have my boyfriend in my life, between spending time with he and my daughter and working and running errands and going to events for my kid, I don’t really talk to very many people anymore. Some of it is by design. Some of it is because of my schedule. Some of it is because I just don’t have the energy for people who I have known for a while because they don’t bring anything good to the table. So, I tell my guy a lot. And as of late he has a really busy job in management. He has had the job since IĀ  met him, but the last 3 months, his duties have increased in a ridiculous manner. So, he can’t talk as much, so I need to tell someone what is on my mind.

So, blogging makes sense. Maybe other people need or want to hear what I say, at least some or part of the time. Maybe I can help people in some way, or heck, if half the time I am helping myself by practicing on my writing and getting out my feelings or whatever is on my mind, then that is okay too. Do you ever feel like you don’t know real people? Or the people who you know can’t relate to you in any way whatsoever? That is how I have felt the decade and a half that I have been in D.C. area. All of my friends have been well off or not stressed about buying anything that they need or that their kids want. My life has been the opposite. I have been without a husband for 8 1/2 years so I have had to watch every penny. I took the path of providing for my kid and staying home, so some may say I chose to be broke. That may be true, but I think I chose to be a parent that she needed because someone needed to be there. And still does!

I digress. Yesterday late afternoon, after picking my kiddo and her friend up from an after school activity, we went to Barnes and Noble (one of my fave places ever) and her friend’s mom met us there. Not that I am glad that this lady is a single mom. Nor am I glad that she is not rolling in the dough. But, it was nice to have a conversation with someone who understands how it is to raise a kid alone. And she doesn’t live in a 1.5 million dollar home like most of my friends do. She rents as well. And the conversation flowed so freely. There was no hint of stiffness and no pretentious attitude like so many have in this area. We didn’t get home until 745 and we had both been gone for almost 13 hours. I am usually a stickler for her to go home and do her work and I am always wanting to have quality time together. But this connection with a possible new friend was nice and surprising.

I have been kind of fed up with my “friends” or “acquaintances” for so long. I feel that I have been the giver, or planner or person to reach out the most and I honestly don’t want to do that any more. I refuse to as a matter of fact. For instance, my boyfriend and I have sent out 2 invites for brunch over the last 2 months and the first one had maybe 4 people besides us because 3 couples were out-of-town that weekend. The second brunch 2 weeks ago ended up just being us and another couple. Some people did not respond at all, some canceled the night before. One friend called a day or so before and was pissed and surprised when I said reservations had already been made. And she said, “well you usually call people to remind them about parties or events.” Then I said: “I don’t do that any more! And I was serious. I am not the same person. She is the friend that told me she would pencil the brunch in. She is also the friend who has brought her to my daughter’s last 7 birthday parties, this year she got no invite, but has complained or bitched or had an issue about something that we did or didn’t do.

I feel like I have found true love for the first time ever. And I have also found because the relationship I have is reciprocal and for once fulfilling that I don’t want to be bothered with people that don’t put in the work that I do. Two weeks ago, on Instagram, one of my “friends” DM’d me to say let’s meet up for breakfast/brunch. Well that Friday morning came and went and she messaged me to mention that she did not hear from me that day. I told her that she could have reached out and she typed back that it works both ways. EXACTLY. It does and I am always the one at the receiving end of it where I wait for people or reach out or re-invite them, etc. I am just not the same girl. I am sure that some people, including my guy think that I can be too feisty sometimes. But honestly, it’s from a lifetime of people taking me for granted. I have feelings and expectations too. I have wants/needs as well as everyone else. I feel that something about my personality has allowed people to think that they can treat me however and I will always be there. I will always be Dee, but I won’t always be there for people anymore and I won’t always be dependable and always be a rock for other people.

I need to be shown love and effort and have someone bend over backwards for me sometimes. Besides my guy and my mom, no one else has really done that for me. And I will always be sweet and kind and caring, but I will never be the person I used to be. Part of me is sad that I had to shed that part of who I have always been, but the other part of me is completely empowered by it…

Simply~

Dee

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