So, Christmas was interesting…

Well, my mom and my guy came into town at 2 different locations and times on Christmas Eve so it was a hectic day! But my mom immediately liked him. I did not have a doubt in my mind that she would be enamored with him because he is such a great man. We had a good meal cooked my boo and then we went to church and rode around and looked at Christmas lights. It was great!

The next morning was interesting. My super fake ex-hubby came over. And, he has met my guy several times but I have neither confirmed or denied who my guy is to me because I don’t talk to my ex like that. I am pretty sure if he had any doubts about our status, he gets it now because my guy was there on Christmas morning. No one besides family has ever been there. So, that means it is serious.

My guy, I will start calling him ML(my love), detests my ex. Not just because he was my husband. But because he hasn’t done right by me or my child. And he took me to court in 2017 which caused so much drama. So the fact that my ex was kissing up to ML was really funny and sickening and we just wanted him to go away! So, we acted simpatico for 2 1/2-3 hours and then left for Starbucks for 3 hours! We came back and the ex was still there which was fine. But he waited until we left for lunch to walk out with us. He didn’t want to leave.

The next day we hung out and watched movies and played games and snacked and went to Barnes and Noble-our happy place. Everything was chill until we got back home. My mom decided to be bitchy about everything I said or did. It was the tone she took. Then she began to say that she wasn’t going to play games. The same old bs. I have told her forever that my kid will not be a kid always. She is now a teen and my mom only sees her maybe 4 weeks a year total. So you would think that she could change-up her Jeopardy watching/napping/doing the same old thing routine when she visits, to please my kid.

So I said we can play whatever you want to my daughter and my mom was all like: “Nobody asked you.” Doesn’t sound like a big deal does it? Then she finally decided to play and we were playing team charades and I would say something about rules or whatever and she would bite my head off even if I wasn’t talking to her. So I went to the bathroom and cried. It’s like because my guy was present she decided to attack me as if he would back her up. Then she mentioned that I was good until I was older. Then I went on to talk about a crime my brother committed that could have landed him in prison that she got him out of and she shut up.

The next day was crazy because we had a huge family birthday celebration at a restaurant and then activities after. Then I had to drive my mom to BWI in Baltimore. My kid went home with friends and it was just ML, my mom and me. It took us over an hour and a half in traffic and my mom was complaining about that. At the end, she again mentioned my life choices. I went on to tell her that she hadn’t done too well herself. She just remarried her ex and she is in her mid-70’s! She has been married 4 times now and dated multiple people from my 4-12 grade year after her divorce. I digress, I cried most of the way back.

My mom has helped me a lot over the years because it has been hard financially and not having any family around added to it . I have never once asked for her help. But the last couple of years it has been very challenging. l do jobs that are way beneath my education and take gigs when I can squeeze it in. I dog walk, edit, do personal assistant work, I babysit. And I have 2 Master’s! I am far from lazy! But keep in mind I can’t take travel jobs or nights/weekend jobs because I have a child. So I do everything in my power to make ends meet. I am saying all of this to say that ML said to me that when someone does a lot for you, they may feel a certain kind of way or may feel resentment.

I really thought about what he said over the last few weeks and realize how much thatΒ is true. I am super bright and hard-working but have never gotten the big break or made big money. Despite how hard I try, since I have been a mom I have had a hard time getting a full-time professional job that pays well. I am only offered contract jobs and I know a lot of that is because of the field I qualify for, and that is the direction of many employers. But I am assuming that God wants me to be here for my daughter. That 6 months I worked in a full-time contract job, I had car problems and I wasn’t close to home and that made it tricky when caring for my child. So yeah, she is disappointed that I am not a major breadwinner. But even though she was one, she wasn’t there for me.

I went to college knowing not much at all. I did not know how to cook, iron, wash clothes, sew or take care of myself.Β  I knew absolutely nothing about time management or how to deal with being on my own. She did not warn me about wily ways of men or not to drink too much or to protect myself or anything. Her parenting style was pay the bills and provide and not much else. I mean she was loving and could be fun. But she worked 2 jobs. And she didn’t have to! She let my brother who was 8 years older than me dictate her life. Her bills were sky-high because of him. She had to leave me at home 20 hours a week outside of her 9 to 5 job to work to make ends meet when her professional job could have done the trick and I could have had the mom around that I needed. But my brother called the shots! But I don’t constantly point out her bad life choices!

I have worked so hard for my kid to be better. Her dad isn’t around for her much like mine wasn’t but I have good people in her life. Her Godfather is amazing. My one and only boyfriend since leaving her dad is such a great father to her. I am there for my daughter as far as talking, spending time with her and just schooling her on life. We have oodles of fun and she has been my sole sidekick until ML came along. So as much as I don’t have it going on career wise and I a married someone my mom didn’t approve of, I am a damn good mom. That is one thing that I can always say. And I am working hard as I write to get out from under her help, i.e., her judgement. Because I am not a user nor do I take advantage of people’s kindness so it is hard for me to accept help. I feel so bad about it.

Maybe I am not what my mother expected me to be. Not a winner career wise (by choice) and a 2nd generation single mom. But I am a kick ass mom and I have ambition and goals and I know that it is my time to shine soon. I am already so blessed: I have a fab daughter who has almost 100 in all of her honor’s classes and is a overachiever in acting, singing and anything else she does with a heart of gold. And yes God is the reason she is great, but so am I! Success isn’t always related to dollar signs. And, I have a best friend and fabulous partner who I will spend the rest of my life with not to mention my 17 lb cat. I am happy with my little family and my little life!

Am I disappointment? Maybe. But material things mean nothing at the end of the day. And neither does the opinion of others. Because I know that I am a child of God and that I have so much to offer and that one day the last piece of the puzzle will wedge its way in and I will reach my potential.

Until then, I will keep living, laughing, loving and believing because without faith there is nothing!

Simply~

Dee

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