I have learned so much about romance and the human condition over the last few weeks and definitely over the last couple of months. I am watching “Waiting to Exhale” as I type this to give me strength because my ‘friend’ has yet to call me when he said he would and I am trying to pump myself up. I am too friendly, too open and too accessible to someone who is not overly anything towards me.

I believe the BS that he is spoon feeding me because of my insecurities, but also because he is so so good at the manipulation game. He is the unavailable one whom I have become too attached to. Now granted, I am talking to multiple guys because I am trying out the dating scene. But I am not dating them all, and some of them do not even live in the same state, so it is a just getting to know each other kind of deal. A real modern life dating scenario.

For those of you who are women who have not seen this movie, you have to watch it. No matter the race or nationality, there is a tiny part of each of these 4 women inside of all of us. I would like to feel like I am more like Angela Bassett’s character (Gertie), and I do have her strength. That is true. But, I unfortunately have some of Lela Rochon’s character  (Robin) in me. The weak one. The one who is settling for less. The one who subconsciously seeks out the unavailable men.

Now it may seem like who am I to talk. Right? I am talking to several guys. But, I never told any of them I am exclusive. I haven’t met some of them yet and I have been physical with none of them. So, it does make me different than the game players. I am not telling any of them that they are so special to me, or feeding them lines of love. Nor am I making them feel like they are different and there is something special with me and them. Not to the point where they wait by the phone as I find myself doing right now.

I am instead keeping myself busy with people that are not playing obvious games and that are seemingly available.And who definitely care about my feelings. I don’t understand what the hell men (or women for that matter) gain from playing with people’s emotions. I am so pissed at myself right now for being so vulnerable and so stupid and just so ridiculously predictable in every way.

So, through my writing tonight, I am explaining my feelings. Detailing my absence from here and doing a chronicle of sorts of my foray into the minds and hearts and brains of men. I don’t know how I have gone from a super strong and capable woman to straight up jello in an unworthy guy’s hands in a matter of months. This whole stepping out on faith journey that I am on has been more like stepping into idiodicy.

After today, my story will unfold for you from being the one played, into the player. Or, at least the one with the power and the control. The one who is for once the wiser. The one who does not open up her entire heart, mind and soul to someone or to anyone for that matter. I feel pissed, dissed, stressed and just annoyed right now. If he would have called would I have felt differently? Maybe a little if he and I were talking right now. But, there has been a change in our “fauxrelationship” and I think that has occurred because I have given too much.

Never. Again

~simply

Dee