Monthly Archives: January 2016

So, I went to a party with a bunch of diplomats…

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The party was fun, but I quickly realized that diplomats are just regular people like me. The person that I went to the party for is a diplomat and he is dating my friend and he is cool. But, I had this expectation of hot single men with gorgeous accents. The party had cool accents, but I don’t think anyone there was single and I did not see anyone that I was drawn to. But I wonder if that is because I kind of have my radar off because my heart is all closed up?

I dream often of being in a relationship again and falling in love again, but then I think about my daughter and how I love her life and how I don’t want anyone to mess that up. I would love for her to have a stepfather that could step in and take the place of her father, but I am not willing to take the chance on my heart, heck both of our hearts. I think often that I can wait until she is closer to adulthood because I will still look young. But then I think that I could be missing out on someone great.

So, my prayer to God is for Him to only bring someone in to our lives if he would only bring positive things to us and add to our lives and not harm us in any way. So, perhaps that is why nothing has never transpired. I want to think and hope and believe that it will happen for me again one day. But then I think to myself, I don’t know if I can let go again for someone.

You know, open up and be vulnerable and talk in depth about my hopes and dreams. I am so happy for people that have these relationships, but when I think about being that way again with anyone I feel like it’s all so cheesy and all in vain. I have never had a successful relationship with a man, so it’s kind of like I feel like I suck at it so why should I keep trying?

To be honest, I have grown so much spiritually and mentally since my husband moved out 6 1/2 years ago. It was my decision for him to leave because I didn’t want a dysfunctional relationship for our then very little girl. It was the best choice for us because he was gone more than he was home and infidelity was the theme on his part. So, I feel like I would rather be alone than live like that again. So, we have.

I have been on dates over the last 6 years with maybe 5 men. One man I had a phone relationship with for probably 3 months because he was from my home state and we met through and old school friend. We met up a couple of times and the chemistry there but since I wasn’t legally divorced and was separated he wasn’t comfortable with any of it. He was everything that my husband wasn’t. He went to church, didn’t go to clubs or bars, he was working in a stable field. But, he was controlling and stuck in the 50’s!

Needless to say, with my personality and opinions, I was way too much for him. I felt like I had to be someone else when I was around him. Kind of like being at a cocktail party or at a party with diplomats.:) Funny thing is, I am super comfortable at a party with strangers because I will probably never see them again. I flash a smile, make witty comments, have champagne and try the appetizers. But opening up to a person romantically? Don’t know if I have it in me anymore. It’s like I have turned into an introverted extrovert.

I call myself a hopeless romantic. But perhaps I am just super duper hopeless when it comes to trusting my heart with someone  again? Well, at least the food and drinks were good at the party and the people were not half bad either. Romantic prospects for Dee (me)? Zilch. Zero. Nada. But maybe that is what made the party a success. No strings attached, especially not my heart strings…

simply~

Dee

 

So, I am sick of all of this pc crap. Are you???

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I am so sick of hearing how people are being left out of something or not getting something they deserve. This whole thing about black people not being nominated for an Academy Award this year, is grating on my nerves. Maybe the other people in the other roles were considered better actors. I mean some characters require so much more depth from actors and range than other roles do. And, I am not a fool, I know for decades there was so much discrimination in Hollywood. But, I honestly feel like we are getting past that. Not completely, but we as a nation have come a long way.

Before you think that I am intolerant, or not empathetic or perhaps a white elitist, stop. I married a guy a decade ago with 10 times the melanin that I have. 🙂 Therefore, my child is not fully white and has African, Indian (the country) and Portuguese roots from her dad’s side. And, I was raised in the south and had as many black friends as white. I actually got along better with black girls at my school because I was very bold and outspoken, which didn’t quite match up with my more submissive and proper southern fellow white girls.

I digress, I am not racist and I do care about people different from me. But I get sick of every situation being about offending or being unfair to some group, be it a gender or race or socioeconomic group. It’s tiring.

The latest thing that drives me crazy is the EEOC targeting business owners that could be discriminating against Muslims. This is literally setting up businesses to fail because some people will fabricate discrimination like the clock boy who purposely brought a clock he didn’t make, but staged to resemble a bomb on 9/11. But that was discrimination? A teacher in anther class told him to put it away, but he knew if he pushed the envelope he would get in trouble and be able to get attention worldwide. Or at least his father did.

Anyway, I just like common sense people who do not try to create reasons to protest and who are not overly litigious. Sometimes life isn’t fair. Sometimes people will treat you terribly and you may have done nothing at all to deserve it. Sometimes people bring things upon themselves (clock boy). And sometimes someone’s performance at work just doesn’t measure up to the work of others. It is just how it is.

I know discrimination exists and some people will give their all and may be judged on skin color or gender or sexual orientation and that isn’t right. We can all continue to do all that we can to stop those injustices. But everything that happens to a person of color or a woman or a person of a certain religion that doesn’t make them happy does not mean it is because of those traits. Sometimes it’s just how the cookie crumbles. It’s not fun to lose or miss out on a raise or to follow rules one may not agree with, but everyone is not entitled to everything. Point blank period…

simply~

Dee

So, I am doing a job from home…

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I am doing a job that I am not really trained for. It is insurance claims and billing and wow, it is confusing. But because I am doing the work for a family member who owns the practice, it is like he expects me to figure it out. I will have to say, there are some things that are easy to “figure out”, but insurance is not one of those things. I think the whole Obamacare deal made it even harder with all of the different rules and plans and stipulations.

I am grateful for the opportunity to work at home. It is one of the reasons I am awake right now because I just finished doing billing and checking on claims. But, I kind of hate it and I don’t have enough hours. I want for once to do something that I absolutely love. Can that happen for everyone, or do some of us just have to suck it up? People online post all of these motivational messages that it is up to the individual to make their dreams come true.

But, what if is not destiny for me to do something work wise that I love? I mean I love being a mom and I do that full time, so is that my blessing? Or, can I have both? I want to believe that I can and that I didn’t go to grad school in order to do a part time job for a therapy office I detest and to still tutor and care for kids 20 hours a week. I am totally grateful to have income. I swear!I thank God for blessings all of the time. But I would love to wake up excited about what I do. Motherhood is a job that I wish I could get paid for because I enjoy every second of it.

So, I don’t know if I should search for jobs more or pray more, or both. I don’t want to settle anymore. I have mastered the art of mediocrity over and over again. I am ready to master the art of excellence in something for once that makes me truly feel alive. Do any of you have the blessing of doing something that you go to bed late and wake up early for? If you do, please share and tell me how you got there. I am curious to know and truly happy for those that have found their passion and truly living it.

simply~

Dee

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So, I have been through a thing or two. We all have. I have lived it up, been down in the dumps, hanging out with the wrong people, looking for love in all the wrong places and been in head over heels love. Okay, enough with all of the cliche`s. After all of this time, I am finally learning how people and life work.

It’s like a light bulb that has refused to provide any light, has been dusted off and it is now a beacon in the night. I am learning the subtle politics of people and relationships. When I don’t need to say something, when it is imperative that I do, and when to remove myself from a situation or remove someone else from a situation without their realizing it.

In elementary until my early 30’s, I was the people pleaser. I wanted everyone to like me. I apologized, even when I thought people were actually the offenders. I went out of my way for folks. About a year ago, I finally had it. All of the boyfriends, my then husband and  best friends and family members over the year had taken me for granted one time too many!

So, now I am still kind and charming and giving, but on my own terms. I don’t invite everyone to the party. I don’t respond to everyone’s post on Facebook just to be friendly or engaging. I don’t even reach out to most of my friends anymore because I am tired of doing all of the reaching. A miraculous thing has happened. Old dependable Dee has become the one that calls back every 3rd call. I “get back” to people when I can because I am oh so busy now. I spend more time planning fun for my kid and her friends than for myself because I have decided grown ups suck!

I feel delightfully unattached to my friends. I am happy when I see them, but I am not withering away without them. I saw an old friend over the weekend and it was delightful. But it had been 6 months since we really visited. The same with a friend tomorrow. It has been 3 months since I have seen her, and we were in a group setting so I didn’t really have the time to spend with her. I am sure we will have a blast talking and having lunch tomorrow. But she is about to have her 4th kid, so after tomorrow it is “see ya later sweetheart” because her life will be crazy, and my life is just fun and unencumbered.

I really don’t mean to sound cold, I am just for once in my life putting myself somewhere in the top 5. I have always given my all to my kid, my mom, my husband (past), friends, boyfriends, pets, etc. As I mentioned in another recent post, God and my kid and mom will always be at the top. But no one else will be near there except for me. I am determined to spend as much time and energy on myself as I have on all of these other people. I am pretty sure that the results will be amazing when I do!

Reading is now a priority and I just got TD Jakes book called Instinct //ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=httpssimplyde-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=1455554057&asins=1455554057&linkId=3BA243EEQRWSZARA&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true.

The reviews it received are excellent and I am so fond of a book he wrote called Maximize the Moment,I know I have mentioned that one before, so you know how I feel about Mr. Jakes! Books by this awesome man of God tell you to get your priorities straight and not let anything hold you back from the life you were meant to live. But what I love about Jakes, is he does not mince words. He is extremely upfront and real, so this is the perfect book to read since I am working on me. A better me, will not only bless me, but will bless my daughter and all of my relationships with the people in my life whom I am close to. My circle is small, but there are some good people in there. I suggest you all do for yourselves whatever makes your heart happy. Don’t be a jerk and turn your back on people, but just love yourself first. There is nothing wrong with taking care of you.

Have a blessed and happy Wednesday!!

simply~

Dee

 

 

So, I slept until 11:45 today, kind of refreshing…

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Since I have been a mom, there have been very few days of sleeping in like this. In this case, it wasn’t completely restful because I went to sleep around 3, woke up at 8 and then went back to sleep. That may not sound refreshing to you, but to someone like me who has been an almost anti-sleeper, it was amazing and still more sleep than I have had in a month. There is a guilty pleasure feeling going on when I wake up at lunch time. I am so glad that my kid is responsible enough to let me sleep and also feed herself on rare days like this. But at the same time I feel like a selfish person. But then I roll over and realize I must have really needed it!

I really want to get out today and do something, but my body is telling me to stay in and recover. The thing about me, is that I am not a sit around and do nothing kind of chick. The whole time I have been sick, I have been productive. Recycling things, donating, cleaning and changing the look of my space. I find the idea of being a couch potato quite repulsive, yet today my body is longing for the couch and my mind is longing to drive to Starbucks.

As much as I am a fighter of sleep, when I am sick, I sleep more deeply than any other time. Except of course when I wake up due to coughing. But, I can drift off effortlessly and my head isn’t spinning with all of the world’s problems. I look and the dark circles have lessened, and so had the sick look in my eyes. Perhaps besides being refreshing, it is the elixir I have been searching for.

I have the diet and exercise down pat and there is really no junk food in my house. But all of the magazines say that sleep is such a big part of weight loss. I am the kind of person that will sleep 5 or 6 hours for long, long periods of time and feel like it is my normal. But then after awhile I find myself just ornery about everything. When I started 21 Day Fix in October, I started realizing how I really needed to sleep longer than the 5/6 hours.

So, after all of these years, maybe it has gotten through my head that sleep is correlated with health and wellness. I lived so long on caffeine and little sleep, yet never had a feeling of satiety. I have felt antsy and overly annoyed by people and things and situations. As much as my inner 2 year old wants to fight sleep for fear of missing out, I am beginning to enjoy and appreciate the benefits of more rest. The fact that I have finally learned what apparently everyone else knew is just as refreshing as sleeping ’til noon!

simply~

Dee

So, you really do have to be your own advocate…

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I have been sick since mid-December. The kind of sick that makes it almost impossible to exercise without coughing or gasping for breath. I am exhausted doing household chores and just really could stay in the bed all of the time. But my daughter had her bday and we had Christmas and New Year’s and then things going on after and I just kept going. I rested more than usual, but at this point I am just sick of being sick.

So, today I went to see my doctor. He is fairly new to me because I “fired” my doc November of 2014 who did not take me seriously when I told her I was sure I had a kidney infection, which is very painful and can be dangerous, but instead told me I may be depressed. She had not even done a urinalysis when she said that. Went to urgent care twice. They did obgyn tests, urology tests and after digging found that I did have an infection in my  kidneys but it wasn’t easily showing up on tests.

So, I thought this new doc was okay. I have only been to him twice because I am only sick with allergies/asthma once or twice a year and other than that I am good. In December I wasn’t thrilled when he prescribed me a heavy dose of steroids and an antibiotic with no x-rays or real testing. Though I did clear up with drainage and upper resp.issues, I gained 10 pounds from meds and I also felt bad during the process because of side effects and after they were all done I still had these asthmatic issues.

Back to my point. I went to see him today thinking he would listen to my chest with a stehoscope which is standard, or order x-rays. He literally signed me up with a pulmonary specialist! He didn’t even let me breathe into a machine to see what my breathing quality was or anything. He just sat on his pc typing away. I said, aren’t you going to check my breathing? Don’t I need to go down to the lab for an x-ray? He said, “sure”. Sure? Really? I am not the one with MD behind my name. Then I went on to say that a pulmonary specialist would not be necessary because I don’t have symptoms of pneumonia. I just have allergy induced asthma and cough that won’t quit.

This man sat there and asked me if he thought I should go to an allergy specialist first to see what was up. I was floored. Why is he asking my opinion? Wouldn’t that be the logical step? I go to Kaiser. It’s like Nazi Germany. All of the info is on the screen with all of my history from all departments. They can see that I am only sick 2 times a year and it is always bronchitis or seasonal allergies or asthma due to allergies. I was in a building in December where my daughter’s play was and I have a mold allergy. I was in the same building for a long time the December before and the same thing happened. It is in the notes!!! It’s like MD for dummies. All of the departments consult with one another or cross reference. He asked me if I was another patient’s name when he came in. I am kind of concerned for him now that I think of it.

Anyway, later in the day after an hour plus of dealing with Radiology for x-ray I had to go 30 minutes across town to another Kaiser to an allergy specialist. My elementary aged daughter immediately noted the differences in the 2 doctors. She said: “Mommy, the first doctor did not know what he was doing. This doctor was so smart and she listened to you and helped you.” Dang, a child could tell what a mess the first doc was. So, I asked the doctor if she did internal medicine too. She explained that she doesn’t anymore and I told her that I was willing to go to another location including hers if she had a colleague that she could recommend. So, I will go online in a minute and cancel the pulmonary appointment because I forgot to ask her to. Then,  I will switch doctors again.

I know that doctors do not make what they used to. I know that care is literally like an assembly line in some practices. But gosh, this doctor spoke clearly and listened to me and looked me in the eye and assessed me in a proper manner doing the usual things one would to check a patient. That is the least I expect from a doctor. I immediately told her how great her bedside manner was and how much I appreciated her and that I wasn’t there to do out other doctors, but I did not want to feel like I did all of the work when going to an appointment. So, yay. I have another doctor’s name and coming from this awesome and kind and competent doctor that this new doctor is wonderful, I will give her a fair shake.

The whole point in blogging about this tonight is that you do not have to put up with poor care. Insurance, no insurance, crappy insurance, there are options of a better doctor. Or, a doctor that fits your needs or personality better. I used to be the kind to stick with someone for a long time. That good old gen-xer customer loyalty. But no more! I suggest you do the same. Think about it. Had I listened to that doc in fall of 2014 who said I was depressed, I would probably have been put on anti-depressants and been in a hospital somewhere with severe if no irreparable kidney damage.

Take care of you!

simply~

Dee