Tag Archives: Relationships

So, are some of us unlucky in relationships/friendships, or am I being tested over and over and over again?

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So, I feel like myself and my daughter and myself are both the type of people who give and give and take very little, and we are almost always taken for granted. For instance, one of my best friends and my god-daughter came into town on a horribly busy weekend and stayed for 5 nights. During that crazy time, we had a dress rehearsal and 2 weddings, and I still tried to keep them happy and occupied. They were sick and didn’t feel like doing a lot, and I got very little sleep, but I hung in there and cooked and planned like a happy hostess. Now they have been gone for almost 2 weeks and we called and called to check on them and my daughter found out through an educational game that they play online together that their phone is acting wonky. But they could have called us from another number, or they could have Facetimed us or something. Though they are loving and always remember every occasion and root for us so much of the time, they are around when they feel like it. When I told them via voicemail and email about my daughter’s commercial, they didn’t call us or email us for a month because they were “busy”. But, they emailed all of their friends and called them to tell them about it. They also received my daughter’s video that they ordered in the mail that is 2 hours long from a big performance she did in the fall, and watched that but didn’t have not one smidgen of extra time to communicate to tell us that.

This may sound petty or like I am being too sensitive, but I get sick of people just assuming that we will always be available. It’s like they can be completely selfish or rude by ignoring us and when they are ready to “deal” with us, then we are supposed to be ready and willing to talk and deal with them. I don’t know how to be unavailable to friends or men or anyone that I deal with. Because the truth is, the people that I deal with I consider friends or loved ones, and I am not into games with people that are supposed to be dear to me. It’s like I have all forms of dysfunction in the form of people that I call friends. I have never been good in the man department either, so that is why I haven’t dated for the almost 6 years I have been apart from ex-husband, except for dates that I went on just for dinner, knowing they wouldn’t go further because I suck at choosing!! I wonder if because I complain about these people, but still continue to deal with them (not the friends I mentioned, but friends in general), maybe I get what I deserve? One of my friends in the past said that I take in all of the strays. Perhaps they are right?!! Bad childhood, anxiety issues, super selfish, not dependable??? Well, call me and I will take you in and take on all of your baggage and then wonder why like a dizzy blonde (I am blonde) that these people aren’t all that I expect in a friend.

I do have a few good friends, but for some crazy reason, the people who I call best friends have the most issues. Or, they aren’t the friend to me that I am to them. I know people have different backgrounds and experiences and I have to take that into consideration. But I am human and I have feelings and I don’t want to put up with whatever people dish out. I want my close friends to return my call in a timely manner or be there the way that I am for them. I want people in my life that I can depend on all of the time, not just one they are over their funk and moods. So, do I get rid of the people in my life that are abnormal and annoying and not around all of the time, or do I continue to put up with their slack a–es and grin and bear it? That is perhaps why this cycle is continuing because I keep complaining, yet keep dealing with it. A therapist would probably say that I am co-dependent, or have self esteem issues. I don’t think it is either one. I think that I want the whole Golden Rule thing, “Do unto others…”.

I think that perhaps I will pray for God to bring “normal” and decent people into our lives that have our backs on rainy days as well as sunny. This whole fair-weather friend thing is for the birds. I don’t want to give up on new friendships or men in my life, but it is so hard to trust others! Remind me to tell you all about some of the other shady stories about men and friends, it will be a lot more than 800 some odd words. Trust me!:)

Simply~

Dee

I am so incredibly fickle and I started realizing this when I started typing…:)

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I am such a “hot” and “cold” person with my emotions. I had no idea that I was what people refer to as fickle. I remember when I went to school in the 80’s, a friend of mine said I was so fickle. It is a pretty old term, I rarely see it used any where. I wonder if 100 high school students were surveyed on what it means, how few would actually know the answer.

Anyway…I should have really been good at playing the relationship game when I was in an actual relationship, based on the fact that I am so unpredictable when it comes to what I feel. I think that my younger self was so insecure and had daddy issues, so I clung on to people sometimes even when I knew the guy or relationship totally sucked. But, if I would have had more confidence, I would have probably had guys chasing me down the street and singing serenades to me. Because If I have learned nothing else in life, I have learned that guys like girls that don’t like them back as much. Or, girls with mystery.

See, the thing about me is I am extremely complex. I have many layers and I am a lot smarter than a lot of people in my life may be aware of. I don’t always reveal everything about me to everyone. For instance, some of my best friends do not know that I just finished a second Master’s. Weird? But when it comes to men, I would lay out my whole heart and thoughts and at first they found this endearing, and then later were bored because there was no chase left. If I had shown my fickleness, they would have probably stuck around longer. I was trying to agree with and be what they expected or wanted me to be. I was trying to be the “perfect girlfriend”.

But, to be honest, if I would have had real self-worth I would have been just me. All of the time. I think that the real me, the from one extreme to another, brutally honest, and an exhaustingly-organized person that I am would have attracted the right guys and get rid of the losers that I was with much faster than I did. I am writing all of this because I am so back and forth about a lot of things. I am so adamant one month about finding romance to completely waiting for God to send it to me. Then, one day I cannot stand the person I work for and think that her lifestyle is so jacked up. The next minute, I think that she is cool and the other person I work for is a complete witch and I thought I had a genuine friendship with her before.

So, I am wondering today-are all of us FICKLE? Do we all go through different emotions about people, places, things, relationships, events, situations? Or am I an anomaly? I feel like that some of my opinions or emotions can come off as straight up Bi—y, but other times I think that they are justified and that it is strictly THEM and not me. I think if I did show this ‘all over the place’ mentality when with a man, I would have men wrapped around my finger in the way that Kristin Cavalleri did on “The Hills”. Yes, I watched it and loved it.:) I as a mom of a young baby at the time was thinking that if I had that type of attitude as a younger high schooler, I would have had it going on more than I did. I had a hot figure then and my choice of guys, but no idea how to keep them or how to choose good ones.

Fast forward to today. My figure, not so hot. I am still attractive. Still smart. Even smarter about men. But unsure about what I want and when I want it and why I want it. So, perhaps until then I should wait on a relationship. Because even though I have that “KC” attitude and could probably have a guy or 5 chase me for the mere fact that I provide mystery and I am interesting and could provide chase, I think truly wanting and being sure about whether I want one to prove something, or because I really want a partner is what I need to determine.

So as my friend S.M. from high school said long ago: “Girl, you are so fickle”. I think 2 decades later, she is so right.