So, I am doing a job from home…

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I am doing a job that I am not really trained for. It is insurance claims and billing and wow, it is confusing. But because I am doing the work for a family member who owns the practice, it is like he expects me to figure it out. I will have to say, there are some things that are easy to “figure out”, but insurance is not one of those things. I think the whole Obamacare deal made it even harder with all of the different rules and plans and stipulations.

I am grateful for the opportunity to work at home. It is one of the reasons I am awake right now because I just finished doing billing and checking on claims. But, I kind of hate it and I don’t have enough hours. I want for once to do something that I absolutely love. Can that happen for everyone, or do some of us just have to suck it up? People online post all of these motivational messages that it is up to the individual to make their dreams come true.

But, what if is not destiny for me to do something work wise that I love? I mean I love being a mom and I do that full time, so is that my blessing? Or, can I have both? I want to believe that I can and that I didn’t go to grad school in order to do a part time job for a therapy office I detest and to still tutor and care for kids 20 hours a week. I am totally grateful to have income. I swear!I thank God for blessings all of the time. But I would love to wake up excited about what I do. Motherhood is a job that I wish I could get paid for because I enjoy every second of it.

So, I don’t know if I should search for jobs more or pray more, or both. I don’t want to settle anymore. I have mastered the art of mediocrity over and over again. I am ready to master the art of excellence in something for once that makes me truly feel alive. Do any of you have the blessing of doing something that you go to bed late and wake up early for? If you do, please share and tell me how you got there. I am curious to know and truly happy for those that have found their passion and truly living it.

simply~

Dee

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So, I have been through a thing or two. We all have. I have lived it up, been down in the dumps, hanging out with the wrong people, looking for love in all the wrong places and been in head over heels love. Okay, enough with all of the cliche`s. After all of this time, I am finally learning how people and life work.

It’s like a light bulb that has refused to provide any light, has been dusted off and it is now a beacon in the night. I am learning the subtle politics of people and relationships. When I don’t need to say something, when it is imperative that I do, and when to remove myself from a situation or remove someone else from a situation without their realizing it.

In elementary until my early 30’s, I was the people pleaser. I wanted everyone to like me. I apologized, even when I thought people were actually the offenders. I went out of my way for folks. About a year ago, I finally had it. All of the boyfriends, my then husband and  best friends and family members over the year had taken me for granted one time too many!

So, now I am still kind and charming and giving, but on my own terms. I don’t invite everyone to the party. I don’t respond to everyone’s post on Facebook just to be friendly or engaging. I don’t even reach out to most of my friends anymore because I am tired of doing all of the reaching. A miraculous thing has happened. Old dependable Dee has become the one that calls back every 3rd call. I “get back” to people when I can because I am oh so busy now. I spend more time planning fun for my kid and her friends than for myself because I have decided grown ups suck!

I feel delightfully unattached to my friends. I am happy when I see them, but I am not withering away without them. I saw an old friend over the weekend and it was delightful. But it had been 6 months since we really visited. The same with a friend tomorrow. It has been 3 months since I have seen her, and we were in a group setting so I didn’t really have the time to spend with her. I am sure we will have a blast talking and having lunch tomorrow. But she is about to have her 4th kid, so after tomorrow it is “see ya later sweetheart” because her life will be crazy, and my life is just fun and unencumbered.

I really don’t mean to sound cold, I am just for once in my life putting myself somewhere in the top 5. I have always given my all to my kid, my mom, my husband (past), friends, boyfriends, pets, etc. As I mentioned in another recent post, God and my kid and mom will always be at the top. But no one else will be near there except for me. I am determined to spend as much time and energy on myself as I have on all of these other people. I am pretty sure that the results will be amazing when I do!

Reading is now a priority and I just got TD Jakes book called Instinct //ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=httpssimplyde-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=1455554057&asins=1455554057&linkId=3BA243EEQRWSZARA&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true.

The reviews it received are excellent and I am so fond of a book he wrote called Maximize the Moment,I know I have mentioned that one before, so you know how I feel about Mr. Jakes! Books by this awesome man of God tell you to get your priorities straight and not let anything hold you back from the life you were meant to live. But what I love about Jakes, is he does not mince words. He is extremely upfront and real, so this is the perfect book to read since I am working on me. A better me, will not only bless me, but will bless my daughter and all of my relationships with the people in my life whom I am close to. My circle is small, but there are some good people in there. I suggest you all do for yourselves whatever makes your heart happy. Don’t be a jerk and turn your back on people, but just love yourself first. There is nothing wrong with taking care of you.

Have a blessed and happy Wednesday!!

simply~

Dee

 

 

So, I slept until 11:45 today, kind of refreshing…

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Since I have been a mom, there have been very few days of sleeping in like this. In this case, it wasn’t completely restful because I went to sleep around 3, woke up at 8 and then went back to sleep. That may not sound refreshing to you, but to someone like me who has been an almost anti-sleeper, it was amazing and still more sleep than I have had in a month. There is a guilty pleasure feeling going on when I wake up at lunch time. I am so glad that my kid is responsible enough to let me sleep and also feed herself on rare days like this. But at the same time I feel like a selfish person. But then I roll over and realize I must have really needed it!

I really want to get out today and do something, but my body is telling me to stay in and recover. The thing about me, is that I am not a sit around and do nothing kind of chick. The whole time I have been sick, I have been productive. Recycling things, donating, cleaning and changing the look of my space. I find the idea of being a couch potato quite repulsive, yet today my body is longing for the couch and my mind is longing to drive to Starbucks.

As much as I am a fighter of sleep, when I am sick, I sleep more deeply than any other time. Except of course when I wake up due to coughing. But, I can drift off effortlessly and my head isn’t spinning with all of the world’s problems. I look and the dark circles have lessened, and so had the sick look in my eyes. Perhaps besides being refreshing, it is the elixir I have been searching for.

I have the diet and exercise down pat and there is really no junk food in my house. But all of the magazines say that sleep is such a big part of weight loss. I am the kind of person that will sleep 5 or 6 hours for long, long periods of time and feel like it is my normal. But then after awhile I find myself just ornery about everything. When I started 21 Day Fix in October, I started realizing how I really needed to sleep longer than the 5/6 hours.

So, after all of these years, maybe it has gotten through my head that sleep is correlated with health and wellness. I lived so long on caffeine and little sleep, yet never had a feeling of satiety. I have felt antsy and overly annoyed by people and things and situations. As much as my inner 2 year old wants to fight sleep for fear of missing out, I am beginning to enjoy and appreciate the benefits of more rest. The fact that I have finally learned what apparently everyone else knew is just as refreshing as sleeping ’til noon!

simply~

Dee

So, you really do have to be your own advocate…

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I have been sick since mid-December. The kind of sick that makes it almost impossible to exercise without coughing or gasping for breath. I am exhausted doing household chores and just really could stay in the bed all of the time. But my daughter had her bday and we had Christmas and New Year’s and then things going on after and I just kept going. I rested more than usual, but at this point I am just sick of being sick.

So, today I went to see my doctor. He is fairly new to me because I “fired” my doc November of 2014 who did not take me seriously when I told her I was sure I had a kidney infection, which is very painful and can be dangerous, but instead told me I may be depressed. She had not even done a urinalysis when she said that. Went to urgent care twice. They did obgyn tests, urology tests and after digging found that I did have an infection in my  kidneys but it wasn’t easily showing up on tests.

So, I thought this new doc was okay. I have only been to him twice because I am only sick with allergies/asthma once or twice a year and other than that I am good. In December I wasn’t thrilled when he prescribed me a heavy dose of steroids and an antibiotic with no x-rays or real testing. Though I did clear up with drainage and upper resp.issues, I gained 10 pounds from meds and I also felt bad during the process because of side effects and after they were all done I still had these asthmatic issues.

Back to my point. I went to see him today thinking he would listen to my chest with a stehoscope which is standard, or order x-rays. He literally signed me up with a pulmonary specialist! He didn’t even let me breathe into a machine to see what my breathing quality was or anything. He just sat on his pc typing away. I said, aren’t you going to check my breathing? Don’t I need to go down to the lab for an x-ray? He said, “sure”. Sure? Really? I am not the one with MD behind my name. Then I went on to say that a pulmonary specialist would not be necessary because I don’t have symptoms of pneumonia. I just have allergy induced asthma and cough that won’t quit.

This man sat there and asked me if he thought I should go to an allergy specialist first to see what was up. I was floored. Why is he asking my opinion? Wouldn’t that be the logical step? I go to Kaiser. It’s like Nazi Germany. All of the info is on the screen with all of my history from all departments. They can see that I am only sick 2 times a year and it is always bronchitis or seasonal allergies or asthma due to allergies. I was in a building in December where my daughter’s play was and I have a mold allergy. I was in the same building for a long time the December before and the same thing happened. It is in the notes!!! It’s like MD for dummies. All of the departments consult with one another or cross reference. He asked me if I was another patient’s name when he came in. I am kind of concerned for him now that I think of it.

Anyway, later in the day after an hour plus of dealing with Radiology for x-ray I had to go 30 minutes across town to another Kaiser to an allergy specialist. My elementary aged daughter immediately noted the differences in the 2 doctors. She said: “Mommy, the first doctor did not know what he was doing. This doctor was so smart and she listened to you and helped you.” Dang, a child could tell what a mess the first doc was. So, I asked the doctor if she did internal medicine too. She explained that she doesn’t anymore and I told her that I was willing to go to another location including hers if she had a colleague that she could recommend. So, I will go online in a minute and cancel the pulmonary appointment because I forgot to ask her to. Then,  I will switch doctors again.

I know that doctors do not make what they used to. I know that care is literally like an assembly line in some practices. But gosh, this doctor spoke clearly and listened to me and looked me in the eye and assessed me in a proper manner doing the usual things one would to check a patient. That is the least I expect from a doctor. I immediately told her how great her bedside manner was and how much I appreciated her and that I wasn’t there to do out other doctors, but I did not want to feel like I did all of the work when going to an appointment. So, yay. I have another doctor’s name and coming from this awesome and kind and competent doctor that this new doctor is wonderful, I will give her a fair shake.

The whole point in blogging about this tonight is that you do not have to put up with poor care. Insurance, no insurance, crappy insurance, there are options of a better doctor. Or, a doctor that fits your needs or personality better. I used to be the kind to stick with someone for a long time. That good old gen-xer customer loyalty. But no more! I suggest you do the same. Think about it. Had I listened to that doc in fall of 2014 who said I was depressed, I would probably have been put on anti-depressants and been in a hospital somewhere with severe if no irreparable kidney damage.

Take care of you!

simply~

Dee

 

So, wow. 2016. Most productive year ever…

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Wow. I can’t believe it is just now 11 days into the year and I have gotten so much done!

I even went into the dreaded 8 containers of baby clothes I can’t let go of and I got rid of around 25 pieces! And, I went into a bin with baby books and toys and got rid of another 10 books. So, that is a feat in itself! I have another set of garbage bags filled with finds for a happy Goodwill hunter.

My daughter’s desk has thrown up onto her floor and we have uncovered some awesome treasures worth keeping. We have also created a drawer in the kitchen with “prizes” in it. Jewelry, lip gloss, bracelets, American Girl non-fiction books and other things that are great items, but she will never use will be given away at her Valentine’s sleepover party we are hosting. Every time a game, or dance off, or relay race or challenge is won someone will win one of these things. When the 6 little girls home, they will have bags designed with hearts filled with treasures for them and my daughter’s desk and the landfill will be spared!

I cleaned and cleared out my closet to the best of my ability so that I can actually go in there now and have a seat and read the Bible. My closet isn’t huge, but it has a bookshelf and cd storage shelves and an organizer for all of our crafts and school supplies, so it is sizable. But it is more long than wide. So, it is big enough at the end to put a chair in or stool for me to sit in there and pray. A little nook if you will. I stole the idea from the movie the War Room. I cleared one of the walls off that had small purses hanging on hooks and put them on a shelf and have a list of desires or declarations for my life. Next step will be putting up notes with scripture, maybe pictures, wishes, hopes, prayers, dreams, thoughts.

It gives me real joy to have a true little nook for me. I think that this organized and dedicated space will open up the desire and time to spend time with God because it feels special and it is intentionally set up just for that. I plan on finishing up cleaning up some of the nooks an crannies so that it is a space that I can feel unencumbered and unbothered. Cluttered spaces make it hard for me to concentrate.

So, another week gone by and though I only worked out 4 times instead of 6 because I am still sick, I feel like I am renewed in other ways. I am supposed to start a fitness challenge today with a friend on the left coast, but I have an appointment for my asthma today, so I will have to see if I get a breathing treatment or what will happen. But, at least I can rest tonight with a clean and tidy home (for the most part) and a fresh outlook on my life and circumstances.

Good night/good morning. Depends on where you are and your perspective!

simply~

Dee

So, I have felt convicted as of late…

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For those of you who practice a faith, do you feel convicted about things? Do you just know right from wrong and abstain, or do you tow the line and then feel convicted in your spirit when you know that it feels wrong? Which camp are you?

My friend told me today that there are 3 forces working against us: the devil, the world and the flesh. For me, the world is my oyster, therefore the world is my issue. I don’t want to say I am a lukewarm Christian, but maybe I am.

I watch some of the popular shows and movies, I dress in current fashions, I keep up with the latest gadgets and know who the hottest singers are. There is nothing wrong with that. There really isn’t. But, my behavior and lifestyle do not separate me from people who are non-Christians, most of the time.

Not that a Christian person is better than anyone else, but if I want to be a follower of Christ, then shouldn’t I exude something different than the average person? It seems that some of what is hip and popular, sometimes may not align with the life I am trying to lead. I am not saying I can’t listen to any pop music or anything secular. But, what I am saying is that I should be putting better things into my ears and brain and psyche.

I was watching a show the other night and it is a show that I would never let my kid watch. For one, she is too young, but the show was just so inappropriate. I would never watch it in front of my mother, and with certain friends I would fee quite embarrassed even.  If I am afraid to see it with my mom around, then imagine if Jesus were sitting in the same room with me!

Now some of this may be heavy duty religious for some of you, in a society that is increasingly not. But, this is on my heart. I watched War Room 3 times this week, and I am now watching a true story about a man who was clinically dead for 90 minutes and he came to. I feel like I should be putting more purity in my life and more faith based movies and songs should be the main part of my repertoire.

So, I am going to try to stay away from movies, shows, music that is not acceptable to “the kingdom” as they say in the south. I want to set a great example for my kid. I don’t want to tell her she can’t do something, and then I go and do it because that would be like “do as I say not as I do.” I know she’s a kid and there are just some things that she can’t see or do because she deserves to enjoy youth and some subject matter is just too heavy.

I know I can’t regain innocence or unlearn the harshness of the world. But, I can feed my spirit with good things so that I can prosper in my relationship with God and also lead a life that sets me apart from others. I want to not only have joy, but exude it. I want people to ask me why I am happy all of the time. Living a life more accepting to God, can lead me to a closer relationship with Him and a better outlook on life and hopefully show others that the love of Christ is not to be feared, but is something we all need in our lives.

What do you all do to keep less of the world out of your lives, and more of Christ in? I no longer want to be lukewarm. I want to be on fire Christ, which will lead me blessings and plans laid out by Him that are beyond my wildest dreams. But I just don’t know how to get there. This kind of talk is not what the average Presbyterian church like mine would dare speak of. It is for the “holy rollers” or “Bible thumpers”. I don’t really care though because I feel like in order to get to the life I want, that prayer to God and a focus on a strong relationship with Him are more important than folks thinking I have turned into a nutjob.

The truth is, I haven’t changed and that is the problem. The differences in me now and me 20 years ago are so minute except that I am a mom and live in a different state. My attitude towards people is not better. I don’t have a job I love, nor do I make oodles of money. Besides my life with my child, I do not have a lot of satisfaction. So, apparently it makes sense for me to lean on the architect of the universe to take the lead and me for once not try to do things my way.

Happy late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. I hope that whatever your relationship is with God, that it is where you want it to be. If you don’t have one, I hope that you will consider turning to Him not just in time of need, but in times of Thanksgiving and for counsel. Because, there is no greater counselor…

simply~

Dee