Category Archives: Blogging

So, my daughter is doing an independent sci-fi film, and they asked me to be the mom…

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I mean of course I am her mom. But, I was asked to play the mom in the movie. There are only 2 scenes I am in, and I don’t have oodles of lines, but I have enough! I am literally cramming for this and looking over at my lines on the regular. My daughter has looked at her lines maybe 4 times, and is not sweating it one bit. What is it about being a child gives us this crazy confidence? I truly never had a lot of it to begin with, but in some areas of my life I have even less. There are some areas of my life, that I am queen of, like taking care of business or standing up for myself. But being on display on demand, frightens me big time. Even though it was a childhood dream to act.

We were on set on Sunday, and I realized how many people stand around and watch when a film is being made. This film is small, so there were only maybe 10. Now I am thinking, how in the heck can I get up with those lights and people watching me!? Whether I think that I can or not, I am doing it because I am a woman of my word and I cannot let my kiddo down. Please say prayers, cross fingers, send good vibes for me. I really need all of the help I can get!

Simply~

Dee

PS It is raining. So all is right in our world. And it is in the high 60’s here. LOVING IT:)

So, my ex is suddenly interested in his daughter now that he is in a serious relationship. Why is that?

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This guy is the sunshine parent. There for the good times, for the accolades, for the spotlight. Not around when a friend treats her badly or when she has a disappointment. It’s not just because he hasn’t lived here for 6 years that he is not around. Parents that do not live with their kids will not experience as much as the parent that does.

But, this is the same guy that has gone 6 weeks at a time without seeing his daughter and we lived 15 minutes away. The guy who pretends that he calls every day and Facetime’s, But, there is never a record to back up his claims. He also has not been to her last 6 birthday parties and she is not even a teen, which means he has missed a hell of a lot. Then out of nowhere, I get this crazy text from his live-in girlfriend who has 4 kids of her own saying that they are going to file for emergency visitation because I do not let him see her.

I let him see her. He just doesn’t take me up on it. I let him drive her to rehearsal one night, well I had to make him because he is so busy. They also used to spend Wednesdays together in the morning and he would take her to her art class and then bring her back at lunch or after. Then that stopped. Recently, he took her for 3 Wednesdays to an area college for standardized testing, and I will admit that I worried when they were together.

He and I are still legally married for financial reasons, though we have lived apart for over 5 years. So, he is still married, living with someone with kids, going on 2 1/2 years and we have known about it for 7 months and find out as a fluke. He expects me to let him go over to this woman’s house where she has a teen and 3 college aged kids and just let my kid stay with them.

I can’t do it. I know him. He would get my daughter and hang out for an hour and leave her with that woman. I will never refer to her as her name because of the ridiculous texts she has sent me. She texted me in the late fall, announcing herself and telling me what a bad father my ex is. Then 2 weeks later she asks if my kid come over. Then a month later, a friend sends me a Facebook screenshot of this woman publicly berating him. Yeah, I want my child in that loving climate.

To be honest, I was so upset yesterday that I couldn’t write, didn’t want to think deeply and even had 2 coffees. I gave up caffeine 2 months ago! Even Starbucks didn’t fix it. I was late to church because of the texts and a call to him. Then I went to the pastor when church was over and said that I needed to speak with him. Well, a church member said a few words to me and I broke down in such a big way that I had to go back to the pastor’s office and cry it out there. He and a close friend there told me that often times when people strike, they strike in a harsh way.

So, long story short, I am officially freaked. I am worried about splitting holidays. I am scared to death. I have always left my home open on Christmas and he would spend the whole day. He even has a key to our place. How much more open can one get than that? I need prayers right now. And well wishes. And positive thoughts because a man who gives 2 craps less about her, is letting the person who he is sleeping with potentially ruin the little bit of relationship that he has with his daughter.

Simply~

Dee

So, I forgot how much I loved rainstorms until now…

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So, I read a chapter of Harry Potter to my daughter along with a Psalm and she went to bed after 11 which is way too late. But it was perfect timing. I fixed myself and kale stir-fry snack with almonds, and as soon as I sat down to watch Gilmore Girls, the thunderstorm started. People that are from the midwest and out west, often freak out when there are major thunderstorms, but us East Coasters can relate to them and some of us even feel at ease when they start up.

Rain is one of my favorite things ever. Besides, chocolate and Sound of Music and my kid and love and Seinfeld and cats (do not worry, I will not start singing Favorite Things). For me, rain is a chilling out period. The soothing sound makes me want to grab a book out of the large stack of books to read and read all day. When it is hot, it nourishes everything and refreshes. At night, it is so nice to open the patio door and have the ceiling fans on and just listen and snuggle up under a summer throw. It is almost the same effect for me as it is when I listen to waves crash. Nothing can replace the feeling I get when I hear the sounds of the beach, but rain is a close 2nd. Once I ran around half-dressed with a boyfriend late at night as a joke/dare. I have stamped in it, and splashed in it and danced in it. The rain is cathartic for me on an uneventful Saturday night, or at any time.

Maybe I am in the minority in being a lover of precipitation, but if you don’t light up when the wet stuff drops out of the sky, give it another chance. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, pray or meditate and soak it up (not literally-haha). Take out a journal, or a recorder or your laptop and write or speak your thoughts or just be still. Take time to realize what a blessing and a gift it is, rather than a slippery hindrance. It is all about perspective my friends.

Simply~

Dee

Cover photo courtesy of picjumbo.com

So, I am an awesome mom and love being a mom, but hate being a grownup!

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I have been sick for the last week or so, and then “Aunt Flo” came to town, so I have not felt like doing anything and haven’t that much for a week and a half but rested and binge watched Gilmore Girls and make meals. I haven’t done much more. My kid has played this Nat Geo online game and watched tons of Netflix and finished her year-end work for her school and basically entertained herself. This doesn’t happen often. I usually entertain her every second of the day almost unless a kid is over here to play. But when I am sick, I really take advantage of sleep. I take advantage of doing selfish things like watching shows that are not for kids and that are just for me. I didn’t have a real Mother’s Day because my daughter had a sleepover the night before at our place with castmates from her play, and then all of Mother’s Day was dedicated to church, prepping for the play and then performing and then getting home around dinner time. So, even though I feel really guilty about leaving her in the living room while I watch my iPad for hours on and snoozing, it makes me realize how much being a grown up kind of sucks. I mean my daughter is the only part that is fun. But, budgeting and worrying and planning and providing is really stressful. I wish I were ridiculously wealthy so that she and I could lie in bed all day long and read Harry Potter and watch movies and forego the grown up garbage. I mean I don’t mind cooking for her and washing her clothes, but I would love to have the carefree feeling I had as a kid or even as a teenager. But, I am assuming that the carefree attitude would not equate to good parenting. I guess I am rambling here, but one can only dream. Being a mother, without grown up issues! How lovely does that sound? Like eating clouds made of cotton candy and having gumdrops fall out of the sky:)

Good night…

Simply~

Dee

So, are some of us unlucky in relationships/friendships, or am I being tested over and over and over again?

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So, I feel like myself and my daughter and myself are both the type of people who give and give and take very little, and we are almost always taken for granted. For instance, one of my best friends and my god-daughter came into town on a horribly busy weekend and stayed for 5 nights. During that crazy time, we had a dress rehearsal and 2 weddings, and I still tried to keep them happy and occupied. They were sick and didn’t feel like doing a lot, and I got very little sleep, but I hung in there and cooked and planned like a happy hostess. Now they have been gone for almost 2 weeks and we called and called to check on them and my daughter found out through an educational game that they play online together that their phone is acting wonky. But they could have called us from another number, or they could have Facetimed us or something. Though they are loving and always remember every occasion and root for us so much of the time, they are around when they feel like it. When I told them via voicemail and email about my daughter’s commercial, they didn’t call us or email us for a month because they were “busy”. But, they emailed all of their friends and called them to tell them about it. They also received my daughter’s video that they ordered in the mail that is 2 hours long from a big performance she did in the fall, and watched that but didn’t have not one smidgen of extra time to communicate to tell us that.

This may sound petty or like I am being too sensitive, but I get sick of people just assuming that we will always be available. It’s like they can be completely selfish or rude by ignoring us and when they are ready to “deal” with us, then we are supposed to be ready and willing to talk and deal with them. I don’t know how to be unavailable to friends or men or anyone that I deal with. Because the truth is, the people that I deal with I consider friends or loved ones, and I am not into games with people that are supposed to be dear to me. It’s like I have all forms of dysfunction in the form of people that I call friends. I have never been good in the man department either, so that is why I haven’t dated for the almost 6 years I have been apart from ex-husband, except for dates that I went on just for dinner, knowing they wouldn’t go further because I suck at choosing!! I wonder if because I complain about these people, but still continue to deal with them (not the friends I mentioned, but friends in general), maybe I get what I deserve? One of my friends in the past said that I take in all of the strays. Perhaps they are right?!! Bad childhood, anxiety issues, super selfish, not dependable??? Well, call me and I will take you in and take on all of your baggage and then wonder why like a dizzy blonde (I am blonde) that these people aren’t all that I expect in a friend.

I do have a few good friends, but for some crazy reason, the people who I call best friends have the most issues. Or, they aren’t the friend to me that I am to them. I know people have different backgrounds and experiences and I have to take that into consideration. But I am human and I have feelings and I don’t want to put up with whatever people dish out. I want my close friends to return my call in a timely manner or be there the way that I am for them. I want people in my life that I can depend on all of the time, not just one they are over their funk and moods. So, do I get rid of the people in my life that are abnormal and annoying and not around all of the time, or do I continue to put up with their slack a–es and grin and bear it? That is perhaps why this cycle is continuing because I keep complaining, yet keep dealing with it. A therapist would probably say that I am co-dependent, or have self esteem issues. I don’t think it is either one. I think that I want the whole Golden Rule thing, “Do unto others…”.

I think that perhaps I will pray for God to bring “normal” and decent people into our lives that have our backs on rainy days as well as sunny. This whole fair-weather friend thing is for the birds. I don’t want to give up on new friendships or men in my life, but it is so hard to trust others! Remind me to tell you all about some of the other shady stories about men and friends, it will be a lot more than 800 some odd words. Trust me!:)

Simply~

Dee

So, I have been gone forever from here and I should be ashamed!!!

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So, there has been a play that my kid was in that took up all of our time. She is filming an independent film this weekend, she is in another play this summer, we have had weddings, and guests galore for 2 months! How have you guys been? I have been doing my part-time office manager job from home, and shuttling kids around and just living life.

Something amazing! I have lost 20 lbs from April 20th up until June 7th. I eat 5 times a day, and drink 100 oz of water a day and workout 3 days a week. I really need to up my working out game to 5 days a week, but we have been swamped! We had 21 nights and 22 days of guests.

So, I am back. A lot has happened in the world.  A lot of protests against police, too much lienency towards Iran, a cool and courageous go rode a bikecopter to deliver letters to the sorry senators, a crazy jealous stage mom trying to sabotage myself and my kid, planning for my kids next birthday which is going to be huge, (6 mos away) and we went to Disney!

There is no real excuse for me not being on here, except being so preoccupied with everything and not focusing enough time on my interests. Do you ever find yourself doing things for everyone else, but not spending much time on yourself because you are too spent at the end of the day? I am so bad about not taking even 30 minutes a day to pray or write, or just be still. I’m not really complaining though because I love this time of my life with my daughter. When she is grown, I will have all of the time in the world to be alone with my thoughts, my writing, and my books.

Good night, and enjoy every moment of life with the people who you love because life is fleeting.

Simply~

Dee:)

So, baby steps may not be what we want to take, but they can really lead somewhere…

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Someone said to my kid today that all of the things she is doing for acting are baby steps and to be patient, they would all lead to something big one day. I never really thought of it that way, but it is so true. Her performance at  Strathmore and GW and her current production are great experiences and resume builders if she wants to continue acting, which she does. I didn’t tell this guy that she did a commercial for 2 weeks ago and that she is in a web series and will film an independent film in June. I don’t want to tell everyone that we know all that she is doing because they will only think that we are bragging, or try to be in close company with us for the wrong reasons, or just because they are plain jealous.

Nevertheless, no matter how big or small things are that we do, they lead somewhere. This can work in a negative sense as well. If someone has had a few arrests and a couple of drug charges, they are probably taking baby steps into the prison system. I started thinking of this as I watched the video of the mom in Baltimore beating down her son in the streets for participating in the looting. I am sure that when she went through the pains of labor, which led to her raising him as a little boy she did not think that those steps would lead her to the scene in the streets of Baltimore yesterday.

Though God’s will is for real, God gives us free will. He allows us to do things that may or may not be good for us, hoping that somewhere along the way we will turn to him for guidance and discernment. I can admit, that I have made a lot of bad decisions in the past and have not always turned to God. Heck, now I do things and do not even once pray to God before, or speak to God about what I am going to do. I am so used to doing things my way because I feel that I do not have many people to lean on. I used to even have this guilt for turning to God with my problems because I didn’t feel like I was living up to expectations that HE had for me. Silly I know, but it was hard to ask for help when I felt undeserving.

My whole post started out to be about my daughter’s acting and parlayed into wrong steps that people make in their lives. I guess subconsciously, I know that I have had so many chances and opportunities that I myself have screwed up and if I had taken steps in a different direction or had stronger faith in GOD, then I would be in a different place. But then I wonder if taking baby steps backward can actually be good for us. If we always took the right baby steps to the perfect situation and destination, then would any of us appreciate it or have humility? Would we appreciate God’s wonderful and beautiful grace?

I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be and I think that if I took as many well-thought out and prayerful steps for myself as I do for my daughter I would be a great success! But because my daughter is the center of my world, the steps I take will be slow and small, but I am looking forward to seeing where they will take me…

Simply~

Dee