So, I feel like there is literally nothing else I can do to help my mom. She has no motivation to be stronger or to fight in this super scary and monster sized cancer battle she is in. The worst part is she doesn’t even know that she has the most deadly form of brain cancer. Hopkins doesnt like to work in absolutes in terms of prognosis. So we only focus on the task at hand. Radiation, chemo, movement and healthy eating.
I have smiled, frowned, cheered, yelled, gotten angry and try hard to be happy. But nothing I have done in the last 7 weeks has given her the desire to work for this. I do all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry for her. And am glad to do so because she would do the same for me! She moved into my bedroom when she got here. I have not been able to work or rarely even get to leave the house. Way before the quarantine I felt so blah because life totally changed for me in an instant. I didn’t realize how much it would and how affected I would be both emotionally and physically.
This post is chock full of complaints. Right? But I am literally at the end of my motivational and once hopeful rope. She has fallen 3 times this week. And though I am so sad and distressed about it, I have to be logical. I I can’t let emotion take over so I constantly have to be in action mode. I have moved furniture around that she can’t get into and out of as well moved a nice chair with arms into my room. I have her doing short walks in and out of my room and light weights from the chair. I give her 4 mini meals a day. I have her a set up with Netflix and Hulu and try to keep her happy and entertained. I’m trying!
But, I miss my life before she moved in here on Feb 5th, but I would defintely do it all over again in a heartbeat. But it doesn’t mean I am not upset and angry and frustrated and tired and depressed. I can only tell D and my kid how I truly feel or I sound like an evil being, which I’m really not, but I feel it a lot these days. I am wearing them and myself down with all of this and it can’t continue!
So, I have decided to do the following things to get through this trial because clearly my mom is going through the real pain and suffering, not I. For those out there that are caregivers, this is for you. Feel free to reply to this post and tell me what you do to keep you balanced and sane-
1. Give it to God.
2. Count to 10 before saying something I will regret.
3. Stop spending every conversation with my loved ones dwelling on this.
4. Try hard to appreciate this time. (Because time with loved ones is fleeting, whether they are ill or not)
5. Realize I am reasoning with someone who may not be able to be reasonable.
6. Think back to who she is as a person and stop getting surprised when her behavior does not change.
7. Understand that I can’t fight this battle fully. (She has to want to as well)
8. After I have given my all, know that at the end of the day that I gave all I could and should feel no regrets.
I never understood what I was getting into when taking this on. I had no choice because my mom was in a bad situation with her husband and I could not let that continue to happen once we found out her diagnosis and just how unhappy she was at home. And I do love and care for her very much. But this process has torn me into pieces and has upset and broken me far more than I could have ever imagined. Prayers go out to those of you whom have dealt with or are dealing with something similar. The weight of not wanting to lose your loved one and at the same time meeting their every need and dealing with their attitude or refusal to comply, is a great and heavy thing to carry. I send virtual hugs to you all. I am proud of your strength and perseverance.
Blessings and love