So, I am not sure if I have major wisdom to impart today, but I will try… My mom used to say this a lot: “beggars can’t be choosers”. And that could not be more true. Of course it doesn’t mean that we are talking about literal beggars per se, but it means don’t be so choosy (picky) as my mother would also say.
I started thinking of this because of multiple convos with my kiddo lately. There are people throughout our lives who will disappoint and those who will surprise us. We need to learn to value the ones that are there for us, not the ones we wish were there for us.
Why do so many of us bust our butts to impress or make time for those who could give 2 craps for us? And then those who would do anything for us, we are quick to dismiss? It seems to start around elementary school. We see someone who we think is fun or attractive and there is an energy about them that we are drawn to. So we do what we can to be around them and please them and get attention from them.
Now they probably are not even considered by their family to be cool or even popular, but their personality is such that to outsiders, they just are. They are just standoffish enough to make people interested, but are outgoing enough so that they are relatable. I think some people try to craft this persona at an older age, but people like this are just wired this way.
So, let me get to the point. The kiddo is feeling isolated and like she doesn’t have a lot of close friends. She has a few, but none at her school really. The ones who are crazy about spending time with her are not on her level intellectually or maturity wise or are either riddled with drama. But there are a couple of folks who really do like her a bunch and she’s just not into them. She borders between being a super theater nerd and hanging out with a few of the well known sect, yet she is definitely more of the studious geek loving Shakespeare type. For that I am glad. But she longs to be more in demand.
So as she was crying on Labor Day weekend about this, D and I tried hard to console her and relate to her. She really has been hurt a lot this past school year by phony friends, and being a week into freshman year she doesn’t have her footing yet. I told her repeatedly that those “boring” friends will actually be there when she needs someone. That there are people who really care, but sometimes they come in packages that we aren’t enthralled with.
The crazy thing is that this kind of thing goes on even as an adult. I have had a hell of a few years, and those who were supposedly my closest friends were incognito and yet time and time again, the people whom I think are great people but may not be the ones I call to go to the winery or catch a meal, are there for me time and time again.
So as I am preaching this to her, I have really evaluated relationships with my friends. I have pretty much erased the negative or non-friends. But there are still a few that I let linger, and it goes back to the whole thing of primary school person and who is more desirable to be around. as D says how people are perceived is everything and reality has nothing to do with it. This is true.
But as a grown woman trying to give sound advice to my almost grown kiddo; I will have to remind the both of us that when the reality of who someone really is rears its head, we must take note and proceed accordingly.
Have these realizations hit you in regards to people when you were at your worst? Would love to know.