So, I have never felt that I truly fit in anywhere, completely. As a result, I have in some ways diminished the sparkling personality that is part of who I am in order to not be ‘so me’. At other times I am all about being overly sparkly and letting people deal with it.
I constantly bounce between being the bold and fab version of myself and then later nonverbally apologizing for it by not being so bright and so “me”. I think that when I am all strong with an ftw attitude, it is a defense mechanism. Because I just feel like an outsider in a lot of situations.
I really wish theatre would have been so cool and thriving when I was in school as I think those folks would have been ‘my people’ like they are for my kid. Theatre people are often the quintessential outsiders and nowadays, that quirkiness is often celebrated. My beautiful little thespian is a self-professed geek and weirdo and doesn’t apologize for it. Neither do her talented gaggle of fellow actors.
I envy that. But at my age, and being a parent, the inability to not relate or fit in is not viewed so fondly. I want to not care, but watching shows like Friends or seeing my friend’s stories on social media makes me feel so inept in the friend department. And the thing is, I am a friendly and funny gal. Most people are happy to see me/be around me. But I either attract flaky or controlling friends (totally opposite I know) or the people I know, I just don’t vibe with morally or they aren’t my type.
So what’s my type of friend you may wonder. Hmmmm. Funny, intellectual, chill to be around, Christian or spiritual, an independent thinker (not swayed by populist opinion), a creative, giving, loving, loyal, into animals (huge), out of the box thinker. Huge laundry list? Maybe so, but at this point in life, after helping and befriending so many that were undeserving of my time and friendship, I would rather spend time with my cat than settle. Between the kid, the guy and aforementioned feline, and the job, I just don’t have a lot left to give. In other words times is too valuable to throw away.
So as a result of past negative experiences and priorities that outweigh my being a part of a brunch squad, I just don’t really try anymore.
And as I have mentioned before, the snobbery that is part of the DC area culture, just doesn’t work for me either. So though yeah, I am going to a winery with some folks in a couple of weeks, and I occasionally meet up with someone for coffee, I feel kind of lacking in the gal pal department. A lot of this preoccupation of my lack stems from not only sitcoms and social media, but because my kiddo will be out of the nest in less than 5 years.
My guy is my bff no doubt. I would rather be with him and hang out and do activities with him than anyone else in the world besides the babygirl. He is my ride or die, my tried and true. But when he moves here and we see each other every day, he may want to go shooting or join an art class or something else from time to time, sans me. And I want him to be happy. I may want to go get my nails done or watch a movie that is just way too girly for his liking. So that is kind of why all of this has come to the forefront of my mind I guess. The pre-empty nest syndrome is rearing its ugly head. And most friends I love live all around the country.
I feel like a teen in a 40 something’s body, feeling awkward and out of place at times and other times not giving a flip about what people think/say/do. Most of the time it is the latter as I am very fulfilled with my little fam and job. But sometimes the desire to be a part of a girl group (not a singing one) creeps in. Instead of feeling all dreary and defeated, I have decided to focus on some ways to tackle these feelings. If you all struggle with these thoughts as well, these are some suggestions:
1. Exercise more
2. Pray regularly
3. Read more often
4. Write daily
5. Prioritize daily goals/weekly/monthly
6. Count blessings
7. Enjoy this stage of life, even the annoying parts
These sound like common sense things to do. Right? But sometimes doing the simple, makes the difficult more manageable. Make sense?
What do you do to feel pull yourself out of a funk or anxious moments or periods? Please dish in the comments. Would love to try more strategies.
2 thoughts on “So, I feel like I am often on the outside looking in or vice versa… Do you?”
Thanks for sharing, a great post as per usual. Keep writing, you have a real talent for it. Have you tried doing yoga or a workout class? I’ve found as I get earlier that that’s a great place to meet new people while also doing something positive for yourself.
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You are too sweet my beautiful friend. Ditto. Too funny, was just talking about yoga with my guy today and I always thought myself more a Pilates girl. But you are fab and brought it up as well as the fab guy, so maybe I will try it. Thanks!!