I know, I know. I am a modern girl living in a modern world. So why does someone need to save me. They don’t need to. I just want them to! I know the feminists out there are banging their heads and thinking I have stepped back into the 50’s with this statement. I don’t know if I am a feminist or not. I mean I don’t like to be labeled, remember the whole free spirit thing;)? But I am fairly independent, I work and I haven’t been in a relationship in over 6 years, so I am not a needy Nelly. But, sometimes it would be so nice to have that person to have my back and come to my rescue. I have never had that in a relationship, and did not have a good dad so I would love to not always have my own back. You know, having someone else take up for you if your neighbor is super noisy or if someone is super rude. Or, just that person that will help you through any/all of life’s many challenges.
For instance, my cousin’s sweet cat got attacked by a vicious dog this week and had to be put down. Her boyfriend ran out of the door and tragically had to shoot the dog because it was a big pit bull and was tearing the cat apart with another dog and was threatening my cousin. I mean I don’t necessarily want someone to come along and shoot another being for me. But I want someone to be there for me when I am vulnerable or stressed about something and icing or french bread is not a substitute for a prince charming.:) And, I don’t want a prince. I just want a nice guy to be there for me. I’m not searching for a daddy figure or a sugar daddy. I just want a nice, solid, honest and dependable partner and I would offer the same to them.
If that desire makes me some weak to some people, then so be it. I guess then I am weak. But even the strongest lion has a mate. I don’t have the strength of a lion, but sometimes I feel like it is close to that because what I have been through and put up with. Even people that are thought of as independent or fierce have a soft side and feel powerless sometimes. I can be a woman that exudes confidence, takes care of my daughter, carries myself well, and is happy-go-lucky but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to lean on someone from time to time. Having someone there everyday is something that so many women and men take for granted. If I had a good relationship, I would never take it for granted. So many people have these amazing partners and either cheat on them, degrade them or just devalue them, having no idea what it’s like to have no one there to consider or not.
I’m not sad about being alone. I honestly haven’t put myself out there in a big way because the men I have met have either been married, controlling or just someone that I had not compatibility with. And with me depending on God to send me the right guy, I never am sure when the man I meet is the right one. I guess the way to know is if I get a feeling that it is someone I could easily give my heart to. The problem is, that if I get positive attention from someone, I have let men pull me into an immediate relationship because I guess I secretly want to be wanted and loved and cherished. The problem is, the men that have propelled me in a speedboat manner towards love, did not take the time to really get to know me. So, when I did not do exactly what they wanted, or they found out I wasn’t submissive enough for them then things fell apart.
I no longer want to be pulled or pushed nor do I want to jump into anything ever again. So I am in a conundrum. I want the hero. I want the love, but I am too afraid of being hurt and starting over again to do anything about it. Does asking God for love mean that I don’t put myself out there and the man will just bump into me with his grocery cart or am I supposed to put myself out there and trust that God will only bring good my way? It’s like we have free will and God wants us to do for ourselves. So I am unsure if I am supposed to go out of my way to do my part to find love or if I am to sit and be still. What’s the saying about God only helping those that help themselves? So which is it? I need help with it because apparently finding a man that will be there for me through thick and thin is not my forte`.
Image via thejaggedword.com