So, yeah, my mom has a brain tumor. A glioblastoma. The words you NEVER want to hear about yourself or your loved ones. It is all encompassing. The foreign term has clouded my thoughts and jaded my faith and shook me to my core.
Since hearing this on January 24th, so much has happened. A Lifetime movie worth of drama and shock and ridiculous behavior by people whom supposedly care(d). But that is for another post or a book perhaps. The bottom line is I am going through hell right now and don’t know how to feel.
Have you guys ever heard of the DABDA grief model by Kubler-Ross? I always called it DABDA so that I would remember the order when getting my psych degree. It stands for:
These stages are supposed to happen separately or maybe run into one another when going through a crisis or illness or loss of some kind. I feel more than loopy right now because I feel each and every one of these all throughout the day.
Sometimes I think-oh, mom is just being annoying, by forgetting what today is. Then other times I am determined to fight because I know we can overcome this thing. And then I will come to terms that time with her may be limited and the whole thought cycle continues.
She now lives with me and I have financial and health care guardianship because she was not in a good situation with her husband. So I am her complete caregiver and have to take care of her and make her meals and make sure she doesn’t fall and take her to appointments.
Because I get caught up in daily living between she and my daughter, I sometimes forget she is sick. Part of it may be denial but some of it is all of the minutiae that comes from doing what people do in the course of 24 hours. I get frustrated and don’t always speak sweetly. But then I reel it back in and think about what she is going through.
I have anger inside that I often do not know where to direct it. My stepfather knew she was sick for 8 months and never told us and I am angry that I didn’t know sooner and that she remarried him and that it is happening to her and not him. At the same time I am sad when I see the independent woman become so dependent on me because she is weak physically and mentally.
Then there are normal times like now as we are watching Real Housewives of New Jersey (don’t judge), and we are discussing their tomfoolery just like we did in the past. And instead of enjoy the present, I worry about tomorrow. The prognosis is not great and the weeks ahead of radiation and chemotherapy will be rough. But I know that I need to embrace every moment
It is easier said than done though because I am exhausted. But I don’t want to live with regret. Your friend Dee is roughing it right now, but trying to balance everything in stride without losing it on everyone around me. I have gotten better since we left the hospital and she is in my place, but I struggle with selfishness I feel about wanting to have my space.
I honestly pray for and applaud any of you who are doing this or have at some point. It is emotional, rewarding, scary and just special all at once. Taking care of anyone you love is amazing. But the one who gave birth to you, is just humbling. The fact that my mom has always been so selfless and giving to everyone makes it all worth it.
I’m trying my hardest to not fall apart and as the Bible says: Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Part of being able to keep it together is to lean on God more and to remember this scripture. Without D’s counsel and faith when I have none, it would not be possible for me to keep going.
Thanks for reading…