Monthly Archives: June 2015

So, I survived my kid-withdrawal today while my daughter was with her flaky daddy…

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I am so glad that they had a great day! I really am. They stayed out for 9 hours. He bought her shoes and took her to the movie and out to eat and to another event. I had a peace when he left that I normally do not have because I kept literally saying: “Jesus Take The Wheel”. It may sound super cheesy and I know that Carrie Underwood sang it, but that is the only thing I could think to say. Towards the end of the night when she came home an hour late, I started panicking thinking that he had her around his dysfunctional girlfriend.

I mean I did have fun. I watched non-kid-friendly movies like Wolf on Wall Street and Bridesmaids with a neighbor. I went for a walk and then walked and bought some food. I also got an hour and a half of work done for my office manager job I do virtually. I did all of this without guilt. When she came home, I was super glad to see her and actually really happy when she mouthed to me that he didn’t try the girlfriend introduction thing.

I have just really worked so hard to raise my daughter in church, and with morals, and I don’t expose her to drama and adult situations. I don’t want all of these years of love and effort to be messed up in an afternoon by exposing her to unhealthy situations or people. And honestly, her biggest issue is that she wants to have a relationship with him because he has never taken time in the past to spend with her. She wants the little time they have to be just the 2 of them, not his “woman’s” 4 children and 2 grandchildren and all of the baggage that goes along with it.

There is no jealousy from me. It is not like I am sad that he is with her. I have been away from him for 6 years. But she has texted me and harassed me and then called me and asked if he was cheating. Then 2 weeks later has asked if she can meet my child and have her spend the night. She is unbalanced. She has also blasted him on Facebook and cussed him out and completely been classless. So, there are real reasons for this fear and trepidation I have towards her. It is definitely not unfounded.

So, I made it through the independent film. I had faith in God today that my kid would be spared from her dad’s drama. And it all worked out! Now, if I can only get the other part-time job from home that I applied for Friday. If that job happens then all will be right in my world. And it could be considered a triple crown weekend! At least for now.:)

God is good!

Simply~

Dee

So, I am just realizing how great my Amazon Prime membership is…

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Earlier tonight, it was awesome to introduce Jurassic Park to my daughter and only for .99! It wasn’t bad for a couple of hours of entertainment. Now I am watching Muriel’s Wedding and it is for free:) and I completely forgot how much I love this movie! I have always felt a bit like Muriel. I don’t seem to fit well into any category. I don’t get along well with sorority types, but I don’t hang out with people who take a ride on the wild side either.

I am super-duper into R&B and old skool hip hop, but I love high tea and pearls. It’s like I am a walking contradiction or oxymoron. I did not fare well growing up in the south. I was just too different. Too outspoken. Not in agreement with a lot of the close minded people walking around in a stupor.

How in the world did I get on this subject just because of Amazon Prime? That is the beauty of movies. We can find ourselves in the characters and realize that the stories are inspired by people who have similar struggles or viewpoints or lives. Now I can say for a fact that I am not as irresponsible as Muriel, but there is a real free spirit in her that I would love to be.

Anyway, whatever you are doing tonight, enjoy and try to get more rest that I will.:) Father’s Day tomorrow. Ugh… i haven’t spoken to mine in over 20 years. Correction. He hasn’t spoken to me. My ex will come to hang with my daughter. I am only praying he doesn’t try to bring her around the girlfriend. I have shielded my daughter from that kind of drama and I hope tomorrow is not the day when he decides to test things.

Good night!
Simply~

Dee

motherly wisdom: deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own

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Love this!!!

Capturing the Charmed Life's avatarCapturing the Charmed Life

When my husband and I were first married, I moved four provinces to the east until he finished his medical residency. A gentle woman by the name of Margaret cushioned me with maternal wisdom. Over the years, we continued our friendship through letters. So many letters, that I had boxes and boxes of her beautiful handwritten script. The Christmas of that first year, she gave me a book called, “Mother tried to tell me, and I just wouldn’t listen”.

Still, after all these years, I’m still grappling with one of the wisest thoughts. This quip stands tall in my mind now, as I parent my children: “Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own“.

This is an excellent way to approach parenting. They say, ‘your voice becomes their inner voice’.

March2014 213Yet, all this is a tall order. One that makes me feel fraught with guilt…

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So, I did it! I am officially an acting survivor! I filmed a short sci-fi film with my daughter…

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So, I am a “Star”. Ha ha. No, I am not. I really wanted to be one when I was little but I did not have the guts, drive, or resources to do something about it. I never mentioned to my daughter and when she was 5 she wanted to be an actress after being in a kindergarten play. I guess it runs in the family. For a short while, my brother did casting for tv and he interned on a really big movie in the 90’s-“Fried Green Tomatoes”. I got to go on set with him and it was awesome. But his desire to be a director and/or actor fizzled out. So now, I am getting to see it through my daughter’s eyes. Until yesterday…

Because this is an indie film, it is low-budget and the owner of the company is the director/producer/graphics person. The film for my daughter was just a fun experience because she loves acting. She has not expectations about it being a “major” film. SO when they asked if I wanted to be in a few scenes, I was all like-“Sure”. But, I had no idea that it would be so nerve-wracking or how long and arduous the process can be. I was already scared about having lines, but having to do them over and over made me realize I don’t like acting for myself. I think I would enjoy the technical aspects, or managerial/operational parts.

So, I can truly tell people I have acted and that all these submissions for tv and movies are not for my joy. It is strictly for the love of my daughter. I am so glad that she lights up when she does it. Or, she really commits to her character. And I love that she can memorize lines lightening fast and have the emotions on point to top it all off. But all these trips to and from auditions and to and from rehearsals and updating the resume and paying for new pics, is all for her. If she ever said that she didn’t want to do it anymore, I would be completely on board. A stage mom, I am not!

Have a blessed rest of the day and Sunday!

So, my daughter is doing an independent sci-fi film, and they asked me to be the mom…

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I mean of course I am her mom. But, I was asked to play the mom in the movie. There are only 2 scenes I am in, and I don’t have oodles of lines, but I have enough! I am literally cramming for this and looking over at my lines on the regular. My daughter has looked at her lines maybe 4 times, and is not sweating it one bit. What is it about being a child gives us this crazy confidence? I truly never had a lot of it to begin with, but in some areas of my life I have even less. There are some areas of my life, that I am queen of, like taking care of business or standing up for myself. But being on display on demand, frightens me big time. Even though it was a childhood dream to act.

We were on set on Sunday, and I realized how many people stand around and watch when a film is being made. This film is small, so there were only maybe 10. Now I am thinking, how in the heck can I get up with those lights and people watching me!? Whether I think that I can or not, I am doing it because I am a woman of my word and I cannot let my kiddo down. Please say prayers, cross fingers, send good vibes for me. I really need all of the help I can get!

Simply~

Dee

PS It is raining. So all is right in our world. And it is in the high 60’s here. LOVING IT:)

So, I can’t understand for the life of me why I find it so difficult to be alone with my thoughts…

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I sat down to pray before going to bed the other night. The good old-fashioned kneeling down by the bed and sharing my thoughts silently with God. I can never do it for long. It’s like I feel bad for asking, or I don’t know what to say, or it makes the problem too real. Do any of you ever have that problem?

Night time brings all of my worries/fear/insecurities racing right up to me at 80 miles an hour and I feel that is when I have to fix all of those issues. Or, at least attempt to. I wish I didn’t have to watch Gilmore Girls to help me not think of things. Or an action movie, or for instance what I am watching right now-Bridget Jones’ Diary.

I wish I could just face the problems head on by asking/telling the creator of the universe. My creator! I wish I could open my heart and mind enough to trust and believe and hand over my burdens. But, it is so hard to believe that I can be that success story or the recipient of a miracle.

I really want to believe it. I try to be positive. I try to have a good attitude and believe the best will happen and that God will help me to make a way. I mean honestly, I always do “make it”. But I want to do more than just get by or to just be run of the mill or live normally.

I try to speak out good things and treat people kindly and I do believe that I have a Father who is the archetict of not only my life, but everything. But, I always seem to slip through the cracks. I have yet to get the job I need to truly support myself and my daughter. I pray on it. I look for jobs. I have a buttload of degrees, but nothing has changed.

I am still doing menial and mind-numbing work and it isn’t paying the bills. Do I push on like I do when I can’t lose those next 20 pounds? Am I supposed to trust and give all of my problems and issues and fears to Jesus Christ when I can’t see or hear what I am to do?

I guess that is what faith is all about. I do believe that Jesus is my savior, but aren’t I supposed to put effort in to better my life? It’s like there is such a fine line between handing over problems to God/and doing nothing to change my situation that I have not a clue how much of either side to give. If I am confusing any of you, so sorry. But to be honest I am confused.

Have a good night and God Bless

Simply~

Dee

So, my ex is suddenly interested in his daughter now that he is in a serious relationship. Why is that?

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This guy is the sunshine parent. There for the good times, for the accolades, for the spotlight. Not around when a friend treats her badly or when she has a disappointment. It’s not just because he hasn’t lived here for 6 years that he is not around. Parents that do not live with their kids will not experience as much as the parent that does.

But, this is the same guy that has gone 6 weeks at a time without seeing his daughter and we lived 15 minutes away. The guy who pretends that he calls every day and Facetime’s, But, there is never a record to back up his claims. He also has not been to her last 6 birthday parties and she is not even a teen, which means he has missed a hell of a lot. Then out of nowhere, I get this crazy text from his live-in girlfriend who has 4 kids of her own saying that they are going to file for emergency visitation because I do not let him see her.

I let him see her. He just doesn’t take me up on it. I let him drive her to rehearsal one night, well I had to make him because he is so busy. They also used to spend Wednesdays together in the morning and he would take her to her art class and then bring her back at lunch or after. Then that stopped. Recently, he took her for 3 Wednesdays to an area college for standardized testing, and I will admit that I worried when they were together.

He and I are still legally married for financial reasons, though we have lived apart for over 5 years. So, he is still married, living with someone with kids, going on 2 1/2 years and we have known about it for 7 months and find out as a fluke. He expects me to let him go over to this woman’s house where she has a teen and 3 college aged kids and just let my kid stay with them.

I can’t do it. I know him. He would get my daughter and hang out for an hour and leave her with that woman. I will never refer to her as her name because of the ridiculous texts she has sent me. She texted me in the late fall, announcing herself and telling me what a bad father my ex is. Then 2 weeks later she asks if my kid come over. Then a month later, a friend sends me a Facebook screenshot of this woman publicly berating him. Yeah, I want my child in that loving climate.

To be honest, I was so upset yesterday that I couldn’t write, didn’t want to think deeply and even had 2 coffees. I gave up caffeine 2 months ago! Even Starbucks didn’t fix it. I was late to church because of the texts and a call to him. Then I went to the pastor when church was over and said that I needed to speak with him. Well, a church member said a few words to me and I broke down in such a big way that I had to go back to the pastor’s office and cry it out there. He and a close friend there told me that often times when people strike, they strike in a harsh way.

So, long story short, I am officially freaked. I am worried about splitting holidays. I am scared to death. I have always left my home open on Christmas and he would spend the whole day. He even has a key to our place. How much more open can one get than that? I need prayers right now. And well wishes. And positive thoughts because a man who gives 2 craps less about her, is letting the person who he is sleeping with potentially ruin the little bit of relationship that he has with his daughter.

Simply~

Dee