So, hmmm. How do I put it? I am outgoing and make friends everywhere I go. I am a burst of energy in certain social situations, and Calgon bubbles have nothing on me, I can out bubble them any day. (If you are under 40, ignore this sentence).

As a matter of fact, we somewhat befriended new people this weekend and have plans with 2 of them in the works. But sometimes it doesn’t work out where situationships turn out to be anything solid or keep their steam. I think people are quickly drawn to me and I to them and then it kind of fizzles out.

Most of the time, it is because we met under certain circumstances, and we are not in a situation where we see each other every day or have to talk about strategy or whatever amymore, so it kind of fades organically. I get it. But sometimes I think that if I was not the magnetic one and the planner, we would not know each other even past a hello.

D moves differently. He has me and the kid and his parents and work and one best friend from childhood and some friends/ acquaintances he speaks with on occasion, and he is good. He likes time alone to chill and watch movies and can be around people or not. I, too, like chill time with my feline baby watching Scandal on my phone. But I  also like to send Evites and meet up with 10 people I know or more for my birthday or a holiday or just because. I like to bring friends that I have collected through different phases in life and have all of my fave people there together. But some people take me for granted. A lot. And I think it is because of how I am as a person.

If you are outgoing and open and giving,  people don’t appreciate it a lot of times. Some people wonder if there are motives when people are super nice. And some people rather dote on those who don’t make time for them than the ones who do care. Like they poo poo your niceness. That is why I asked the question about being different than you are. Sometimes, I want to change. I want to be reserved and aloof. I really do. But at this point in life, I don’t know if I can make it work:).

It’s kinda like if I haven’t changed at this point, it probably will be difficult to do so now. I may not ever be able to shake the happy-go-lucky, never meets a stranger vibe. It is in my bones. Though I can be refined and toned down with no problem. It’s not like I walk around speaking loudly or acting crazy or anything. What I feel the issue is, I am more forthcoming, and I typically initiate interactions because it is in my nature to be gregarious and friendly. I am originally a southern belle for goodness sake. ♥️ I have gotten really good about slowing down and letting people speak and share their lives without sharing all of my business.

I didn’t do well in the 2 decades I was in DMV (DC) area because it is “reserved city” down there. A lot of put-ons, as my mom would say. Everything was about whay you did for a living. And where you lived.  People were kind of judgy and frankly boring.  But I met some good people and I miss the classiness and culture of the area. I love upscale things. I enjoy elegant dining. The ballet is my favorite art form. I can do museums all day. But I also really like to laugh and crack jokes and be normal. I like sports bars, karaoke and basketball games. So, being vivacious and open and just real and down to earth didn’t sit well in several circles I was intertwined with. And because I can’t do fake, I lost some people. I can’t smile in people’s faces and dog them out when they walk away. ( I sound judgy now:(, not my intention)

That is why I still haven’t pulled the trigger on joining the women’s group because it is NY adjacent, meaning right outside of NYC.  And an old club with wealthy people, not everyone, but a decent amount. So I am getting a little PTSD thinking of how it was in DC and am worried about a similar group mentality. I can not do phony at this point of my life, and to be honest, I never could. So my fear of that and honestly rejection in general I guess, is keeping me away.

Moral of the story. I like who I am. But I want to tweak me a little. We all should like ourselves because we live with ourselves every day.  But we can all stand to improve or make strides to be who we ultimately are satisfied with. I am trying to pull my genuineness and instant friend persona back and, in certain places, be a muted version of myself with those whom I am not close with. In other situations, dance and sing my heart out through life as I often do. But just maybe not share that part of myself with everyone. Because not everyone deserves to be privy to our innermost selves.  We don’t have to let people dull out shine, but maybe not let them have access to the sparkle.

Like Natahsa Bedingfield says:

“Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else can speak the word on your lips… I break tradition.
Sometimes, my tries are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned not to make mistakes. But I can’t live that way…”

In other words, it is the ‘Be yourself, life is short mantra’.

What do you feel the moral of the story is in this post?

* Be fully yourself but only with special people.

*Change how you are depending on who you are around.

*Be authentic you, but keep improving yourself.

*Don’t fully change who you are just fake it at times 

I am shooting for 1 and 3. I guess they are all a different variation of each other.

Do you feel like an outcast sometimes or a little too much for others? If so, you have a pal in me because I am right there with you sister. Or brother.

It is okay to question and assess yourself at times. But always love you during the process.

~simply

Dee