So, I am into my fifth decade. I have learned a lot about people and been through ups and downs and ins and outs, and still people fool me. Or, I want to trust people. I want to give chances. And then, bam, screwed over!

We have this person who we became acquainted with because of geography. D said you might want to watch out for this one. I am not so sure about her. And I met her, we had a lot in common. Well, mostly animal wise. I moved in, she seemed cool and then completely ignored me for 3 or 4 months. I was like, okay. I am kinda busy, and I am good.

She then started coming around a lot. We hung out a few times, got coffee, she would drop by. We would chat a little. Talk about animals. But it was 99 percent of the time a chance for her to unburden. No reciprocal kind of thing was going on. It was just her talking, and us listening, not really caring what was happening with us. I was tempted to cut her off because it was obviously very one-sided. But she had a good heart, so as I told my people, if someone has a good heart, I can overlook things.

Then, a bunch of issues happened to her. Some that she had no control over. Some definitely self-inflicted. One issue came to us, and we had nothing to do with it. We called the police trying to take up for her, pretending to the aggressive person who had an issue that we didn’t know her well. Hoping to deescalate. We told our upset friend she had us and it was going to be fine. We would make sure we were aware of who was in our neighborhood and told her how to handle the situation. Essentially, someone came back to get an animal they left years ago and wanted it back. They had no legal grounds. And she spazzed .

Our friend talked to us a couple of days after and apologized and bought coffee. We talked about security cameras, etc. And then she kinda ghosted us. Not kinda, but really. We supported her in her move, listened, appeased, and tried to forge a real friendship. D said- when she moves to her new digs, she won’t have time for us. Sure enough, she didn’t. About a month ago, after just completely cutting contact, she showed up trying to do nice things again, like bringing coffee.

I wasn’t really having it. She brought my fave Starbies, but I didn’t let her come in and hang out because I was in a meeting. She texted both of us a few times about things, and I responded sometimes, and I sometimes I gave her the same treatment she gave us.

I have let tbis person into our home. Into my private office and let her be around my cat, whom I adore more than almost anything. I trusted her with a key and paid her handsomely to watch him for 2 days. He is 17, so he doesn’t require much. I took walks with her and rides with her and took her to my fave place almost ever, the beach.

I tried to be a friend. I looked past idiosyncrasies. I was excited to know someone in my new city after leaving the DC area after living there 21 years. But poof, no good deed goes unpunished. It is like I have never met this person.

I see her car from time to time and have seen her once or twice in 2 months, and we live steps away from each other. She claims she is going through something. I think she rang the doorbell one day, but we don’t answer anymore after that lunatic came to our door repeatedly yelling about a dog. We talked to her a few minutes on our stoop one day, and I was decent but different. Kinda done.

She claims she is growing and going through stuff. Maybe she is. But aren’t we all? Don’t we all have times where we need someone? I was in a dark place earlier this year, feeling like I had no one to talk to. Just a few months back.  But I was still there for other people. Yes, we are all different. People operate differently. But I operate from a place of love. Not a place of strictly taking or getting.

I really don’t want to be an eye for an eye person. I don’t want to treat people like they treat me. That will be disastrous. But dang, a girl gets tired of being the bigger person. The giver. The good friend. The support. I used to be needy when I was in my 20s and the friend that was floating around and lost. I required a lot, but I thought about other people than myself.

This last debacle has left me not wanting to make new friends. It is already exhausting and unrewarding to deal with how selfish people have become. People are not as community minded as they used to be and instead are very self focused. Social media likes equate friendships. I like in person friends or phone friends. Friends who keep in touch. Not all the time, but occasionally checking in. What I really want is a coffee friend. A museum pal. A book club girly.

So despite my practically friendless year in this new area, I have decided to still try to meet people but kind of hold them at arms length despite my tendency to want to be friends with ease. I am tired of the mess makers leaving messes for me to clean. I’m tired of my kindness being seen as weakness. Lastly, I am mad at myself for letting some of these red flag folks slide into my world to begin with.

And funnily enough, despite my foray with my punished good deed, I met a cool person who invited me to trivia night next week. And I am going.

I am going to join the women’s club finally. And I am late night church searching. So I will find my peeps. But if I see even a flash of narcissism, I will dip out the door quickly. No more being left behind in people’s wake of drama.

Do you guys have problems making solid and lasting friends? Are you the glue that holds these relationships together? Or do you have a mixture of long friendships and in and out flakes?

I would love to know. Because sometimes I am not good at going with my oh so amazing intuition. I give the benefit of the doubt to my own detriment. Do you guys listen to your gut or give people chances anyway.

Would like to hear your thoughts.

Adieu.

~simply

Dee