So, I have my kid and D and a few friends scattered in different areas. But most of the time, I feel like I can not fully and truthfully express how I feel about a lot of things.

My loved ones would say-of course you can talk to us. I don’t know if that is true. There are some things I don’t think my kid needs to hear, and D mostly thinks in  practical ways with little emotion when it comes to tackling problems. So, as much as I love them, empathy is not their strong suit.

I don’t talk to friends on a regular basis, as so many people have moved to text. So when I do see them/talk to them, the last thing I want to do is open up about my doubts/fears/insecurities/problems.

I know Jesus is there. I believe in Him but don’t know what to say at times. And as much as Jesus has my back and is always there, I don’t know how to listen or see signs. And I need/want to hear what I should do in difficult situations.

Humans seek a spiritual life, and they also seek other humans. It is important for me personally to have a Christ connection. But I also want to be able to really spill to someone on earth, with no judgment from that person.

I used to have people like that in my life. Some are no longer on this earth. Others have their own families and lives, and I want to be upbeat when I am around them. I tend to be into deep convos sometimes that people can not or do not want to face.

So because many people nowadays are not as invested, why waste my time. Or, why burden them? And what if what I say changes the way they think of me? Self involvement promoted in society has destroyed a lot of relationships and communication.

After all I have written, maybe I need to go to a psychologist. It will help me, I am sure. That person is paid to listen. But I am not in a super dark place, nor do I want to tell a stranger what I would love to tell a friend. I want to be understood and fully supported, and I am not that is really possible.

I lack the freedom of expression that I felt I once had.  So I thought of a few things that I (we) can do to feel that opening up is possible:

Write down feelings

Pray/talk to God any time

Scream out relevant lyrics while driving

Be authentic while keeping certain things private

Be thankful that there is another day to feel/love/wonder

Are any of you in the same boat I am in? I know that is a hard question to answer, and admitting it isn’t pleasant. But my greatest struggle right now is feeling like an island unto myself. I thought I would open up to whoever needs to read this so you will know you aren’t alone in this.

If one person can feel less isolated or misunderstood or unheard, I will feel like it was worth putting my emotions on the line for all to see.

~simply

Dee