So, when I was loading and unloading the dishwasher, rinsing out the peanut butter jar to recycle, righting the kitchen for the night-I felt peace. Then I thought wow. I have to write this down. Is that simple gesture of cleaning up supposed to evoke a sense of accomplishment and order, hence a feeling of contentment? And if it does, what does that say about my life? Am I boring, pathetic, mediocre?

Is this zen? Finding good in the mundane? Or have I surrendered to a life that is not exciting or one to envy, but of just moving through day to day? I am Gen X for God’s sake. I grew up with amazing 80s movies, promising unlikely and fantastical outcomes in a 90 minute window. My very existence is supposed to be one worthy of a Seventeen Mag spread, when that was a thing.

But instead, I saunter around my small abode. I miss my college kid like I could have never imagined. (She is in a 3 month performance gig so did not come home for the summer) I am obsessed with my fat Tuxedo cat. My best friend and life partner is the only person I  really care to talk to besides my kid. And the truth is I don’t have many close friends, not friends in the way that I would like at this stage. So why bother? If I don’t talk to them, then I really have no one else to talk to.

I feel deep inside, that there is more. I will acheive this huge thing. But what if it does not happen? Does that mean that this life is not fulfilled? Is raising a daughter who is on the road to fame, accolade enough for me? I have poured all I had into her for 20 years. Is being her mom my big thing? Or is the fact that I am here on earth and some of my friends and my mom are not any longer a sign to not feel bad about my simplicity?

I ask these questions because I have extreme guilt for not doing more with my life and then extreme anger for judging myself. So many people would be happy to have my little but very meaningful and significant existence. Or maybe they wouldn’t? But is it bad to me normal? Is it bad to want 2 vacations a year and a garden, and cats and dogs galore?

This isn’t meant to depress or inspire. This isn’t written for empathy. I simply had to type these words, so desperately just to get my thoughts out. Pondering one’s life is not new or profound. Typing out innermost feelings to a void of strangers may be though. Or maybe I am just crazy. Regardless. Hope that if you are grappling with your next chapter, know you are not alone.

~simply

Dee