Monthly Archives: April 2015

So, I am Truly discerning between wants and needs…

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I looked through a big stack of catalogs today that said things like: “You have 5 star credit with us.” Or, “No payments until July”. I really want a sound bar to put with my cheap flat screen, to enhance the sound quality. I really, really want to get a record player. I have crated my albums around for 20 years and have nothing to play them on.

But, i learned to deal with a much smaller income and still have a quality life. The whole getting rid of cable thing sucks, but I have Netflix and Hulu so I can make it work. Also, when I didn’t have cable before, I wrote more and read more which is a better way to spend my time. I can eat healthy by buying Kosher instead of organic meats because they cost less. I have cut down from a 5.23 latte to a 3.13 coffee. We go to events, but use discount sites like Living Social.

I am in no way saying that I love pinching pennies, but until I can do better financially, I have to make the best of it. My money goes to piano lessons for my kid and driving her 5 days a week to play rehearsals, so we are not at home a lot. This makes it difficult to eat healthy and save money. So, I pack food when we are going to be gone. I also make sure she has a hearty meal before evening rehearsals which saves us in the bank and keeps us in shape.

The point is, it requires a lot of patience and planning to be in my situation. It is also very difficult to be in a wealthy area where a lot of my friends are stressed over paint color or if they need a new car. They just don’t get it. So, I don’t tell them the deal. A handful of people know my situation and I think it works better that way. I don’t want people to feel guilt over their comfortable lifestyle with their hubby footing the bill, because that is their fortune and blessing. For whatever reason, I am in this place in my life and it isn’t their fault.

So, I really am grateful to have this blog to spill out all of my heart and worry and grievances both great and small. Thanks for reading it…

Simply~

Dee

Do you ever feel like when people say ask and you shall receive that it doesn’t apply to you?

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So, I have a decent life. Cute little condo/apt/flat. Adorable and intelligent kid. Fat cat. Fabulous mom. But, I am lacking the “big money” and “the man”. Those 2 things get to me sometimes. The money more than the man. To be honest, I don’t want “big” money, just enough money.

I think about all of the tragedies in Kenya and other parts of Africa and the Middle East with those sick and twisted terrorists and I know that I have a good life. I really do. But, I am so sick of waiting for my ship to come in. I want to go on the longer vacation or not have to find a dress for a wedding that I am a part of on clearance.

Nothing fancy, just having a consistent income that can provide for us without the help of my mom. Having to pay her back is always on my mind. She doesn’t want the money back or doesn’t consider it a loan when she helps me. But nonetheless, I am grown and do not want to need her to help me out. I have always worked jobs even when I am bright enough and educated enough to have a real career.

I am so not lazy. I am motivated to do better. I just haven’t gotten there. Do not get me wrong, I am not job searching 24/7. But there are limitations on jobs that I can take. They can’t be nights, weekends, or with travel because I am a single parent with no family nearby.

I do not spend every waking moment looking for the dream job. I work to pay my bills and hope for the best and put in an application when I can. I just kind of feel like it is hard to find the kind of work I need to fit my schedule with my child and to provide for us without me working multiple gigs.

I mean, I take care of children, I run errands and dog walk. There is no shame in my game. But when one of my part-time things come to an end, like my recent loss of 600 per month, I am screwed. I was beginning to get ahead and pay some credit cards down. I really owe a lot on car repair ones as well as a vet credit account and I was really cutting them down substantially. Until last week.

So, here I am struggling even more, again. I want to do something real, with more permanence. Something I love. I don’t want to help people with their dreams all of the time while wishing I was doing anything else than working for them or with them. It’s not the people, I just want to do something meaningful to me that will last and pay the bills.

That is where I get around to the part about when people say: Just ask God and you will receive, I want to believe it works for me. I know God loves me and always has my back. But, I never have a door open, or at least I don’t feel like it. I feel like I have a tiny porthole in the form of a tutoring gig. But I don’t have a larger window or sliding glass door in the form of something substantial.

I have student loans to pay and credit accounts and have to keep a roof over our head and the car running. Of course, we do some leisure activities and my kid is forever acting in one gig or another, so we have some money. But since I lost that little job last week, I have to say goodbye to cable this week. We did not have it for over 2 years and my mom suggested that my daughter would love to have it again.

In the meantime, I have gotten used to it and now I have to tell my night-time entertainment goodbye. But that is such a First World Problem and I know it. But, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to do better and provide better and improve myself.

I hope that someone out there like Revolutionary Christian or another of you wonderful readers and bloggers will pray for me. I really am at a tricky point in my life right now. I got this major feeling that God was helping me to leave a situation that I detested in order to stop being stagnant and being stuck in “just mode”.

Just getting by. Just getting enough sleep. Just making ends meet. Just doing what I gotta do.

Thanks for listening and reading and bearing with me while I try to figure out how to trust God more and how to believe that I can achieve greater things and that God will fix it all for me.

Good night.

Simply~

Dee

Beware of mom’s with big smiles and bigger compliments:)

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Have you ever met someone who went out of their way to compliment people and woo people in order to get someone to do what they like?? I try so hard to accept people from all walks of life, and all personalities. I really do. I want to be accepted for all of my idiosyncracies and quirks. But being conniving by way of flattery is very hard for me to swallow.

I was raised to be honest and nice and kind to everyone. I was also raised to be authentic no matter what, which means I can only take teeny tiny spoonfuls of crap at a time. I really try to be tolerant and diplomatic, but it is difficult when I can see through people like that.

My question is, am I cynical and judgmental or am I just adept at figuring people out? Do most people know that these people are the way that they are or do they fall for this kind of stuff? I think that some people let their egos get in the way of their brains because there are a lot of people who would rather hear good things about themselves rather than read between the lines.

Sorry to have not written awhile, and when I do I am venting. I just need to stop worrying about people or situations that I have no control over. Below is one of my favorite poems and I am so glad to see it where the author gets credit. I think I will meditate on this for a while. For those of you who have situations that you are frustrated with, this may be good for you too.

serenity-prayer