So, I have a decent life. Cute little condo/apt/flat. Adorable and intelligent kid. Fat cat. Fabulous mom. But, I am lacking the “big money” and “the man”. Those 2 things get to me sometimes. The money more than the man. To be honest, I don’t want “big” money, just enough money.
I think about all of the tragedies in Kenya and other parts of Africa and the Middle East with those sick and twisted terrorists and I know that I have a good life. I really do. But, I am so sick of waiting for my ship to come in. I want to go on the longer vacation or not have to find a dress for a wedding that I am a part of on clearance.
Nothing fancy, just having a consistent income that can provide for us without the help of my mom. Having to pay her back is always on my mind. She doesn’t want the money back or doesn’t consider it a loan when she helps me. But nonetheless, I am grown and do not want to need her to help me out. I have always worked jobs even when I am bright enough and educated enough to have a real career.
I am so not lazy. I am motivated to do better. I just haven’t gotten there. Do not get me wrong, I am not job searching 24/7. But there are limitations on jobs that I can take. They can’t be nights, weekends, or with travel because I am a single parent with no family nearby.
I do not spend every waking moment looking for the dream job. I work to pay my bills and hope for the best and put in an application when I can. I just kind of feel like it is hard to find the kind of work I need to fit my schedule with my child and to provide for us without me working multiple gigs.
I mean, I take care of children, I run errands and dog walk. There is no shame in my game. But when one of my part-time things come to an end, like my recent loss of 600 per month, I am screwed. I was beginning to get ahead and pay some credit cards down. I really owe a lot on car repair ones as well as a vet credit account and I was really cutting them down substantially. Until last week.
So, here I am struggling even more, again. I want to do something real, with more permanence. Something I love. I don’t want to help people with their dreams all of the time while wishing I was doing anything else than working for them or with them. It’s not the people, I just want to do something meaningful to me that will last and pay the bills.
That is where I get around to the part about when people say: Just ask God and you will receive, I want to believe it works for me. I know God loves me and always has my back. But, I never have a door open, or at least I don’t feel like it. I feel like I have a tiny porthole in the form of a tutoring gig. But I don’t have a larger window or sliding glass door in the form of something substantial.
I have student loans to pay and credit accounts and have to keep a roof over our head and the car running. Of course, we do some leisure activities and my kid is forever acting in one gig or another, so we have some money. But since I lost that little job last week, I have to say goodbye to cable this week. We did not have it for over 2 years and my mom suggested that my daughter would love to have it again.
In the meantime, I have gotten used to it and now I have to tell my night-time entertainment goodbye. But that is such a First World Problem and I know it. But, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to do better and provide better and improve myself.
I hope that someone out there like Revolutionary Christian or another of you wonderful readers and bloggers will pray for me. I really am at a tricky point in my life right now. I got this major feeling that God was helping me to leave a situation that I detested in order to stop being stagnant and being stuck in “just mode”.
Just getting by. Just getting enough sleep. Just making ends meet. Just doing what I gotta do.
Thanks for listening and reading and bearing with me while I try to figure out how to trust God more and how to believe that I can achieve greater things and that God will fix it all for me.