Tag Archives: Journal

So, sometimes writing for writing’s sake is enough…

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Sometimes I don’t want to blog. I want to, but I feel that I have nothing significant to share, or the post may not be insightful to someone or it may not touch someone. Sometimes I read a blog later and think: Wow, that was some good writing and other times I wonder why I had the nerve to put that out there so that others could read it because it was mere drivel.

But what I have realized as someone has been writing in journals and diaries and notebooks since 4th grade that just plain old writing on a regular basis, just to get words down and out of my mind is what is important. It’s almost like I am Dumbledore and I need to release the information so that I can clear my brain and make room for more thoughts. Or, that the more that I get in the habit of writing, the more that it will become more of my daily life and the better my writing will get.

I have always wanted to write in some capacity. Be it as part of a job description an online magazine, back in the day for a newspaper, or even technical writing. The fact that I can write well is the reason that I made A’s in my Master’s program. Sometimes, I would be behind on my reading, but could still find a way to bs my way through an assignment because I could put pen to paper with no issue.

But, I haven’t truly pursued my dream as I had hoped to before becoming a mom. At one time, I was all about getting a poetry book published and still remember the name. I still have the children’s book in my head and wish I would have jumped on it back in 2006 because it would have really been relevant then and could still work now.

So, even though I have put those things on a very long back burner, blogging and even writing privately in my comfy chair into a writing prompt book is still writing. Hopefully, I will get the courage and make the time to try again to be published as I did in the early 2000’s. But until then, I will be thankful for the gift of WordPress and for the blessing of having people read my good, mediocre and even sometimes not blog worthy writing.

Have a good night and keep on writing!

Simply~

Dee

So, all of my fave tv shows came back on this week…

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But, I can’t get my journal from 12 years ago out of my head. Last night my daughter had a friend over, and we were doing karaoke and I was reading some of my poetry to them, and they were performing. Super fun. But I found a journal with my poems and I realized that 11/12 years ago, I was hoping and wishing for the same things.

I wanted to lose weight, I wanted a good man, I wanted a good paying job. My question is, why am I still struggling with them same things? Is it me? Do I not feel worthy, so it spills forward to all areas of my life, so old issues are still underlying?

I have obviously have been married and separated since then, I have a kid and have moved to another state and have made some all around cool and life changing moves in my life. But those big 3: weight, man and money are still a problem. I know that everyone has a cross to bear, but am I supposed to have 3?

I work so hard on my weight, but because of thyroid problems and another medical issue, I feel like a hamster on a wheel with it. Also, I have left a guy that was not true to the marriage, so that is understandable, but still-man issues. I have still not had a fabulous job, and most of it is because I have worked from home for the last decade plus so I could be with my kid. But I have tried to make money and start businesses and I still feel financially stagnant.

I wonder if I am my own worst enemy. I feel like I am self-sabotaging and do not know how to feel better about myself, or to trust that I am as good as others say that I am. My confidence is a lot better than it was in the past.

I have been on dates over the last year, and never went on a second date because I can’t and won’t settle so that is great. I workout regularly and do clean eating 99.9 percent of the time, so I am making strides there, or at least trying. The job thing is one of the biggest problems I have. I am educated enough, but lack work experience, or just don’t feel I can completely measure up to do so many of the jobs I apply for. So, maybe I need to work on that the most.

As I watched shows tonight, I really enjoyed them, but couldn’t get my story out of my head. I feel that I have come so far in many ways, and I have a colorful and fun life in so many ways. But other ways, I feel like the younger woman from 12 years ago who was trying to choose between Chicago, DC or NYC and proclaiming that I would have a love soon, and a new address. That happened, but not in the way I would wish.

I am writing my story still, as we all are, but I am trying to figure out how to make sure the chapters include events that lift me up and allow me to live the life I have always dreamt of. I am going to start journaling again and claiming to God and praying that there can be a real change in my life that will not only benefit myself, but my daughter as well.

They say prayer works, so we’ll see! I plan to not only take time to weigh my food and workout-that’s on lock. But I want to seek God in all that I do because apparently after years and years of doing the same thing, I am not doing a good job of handling things myself. One thing that I can say in my life that has surpassed my dreams, is the gift of my child. I would gladly go through all of the drama in my life to have her.

In the end, I feel blessed. I know I have it better than many. I just want to live my life in the way I envisioned, and since my dreams are not super grandiose, I don’t think that is too much to ask.

God Bless you all and Good Night!!

~Simply,

Dee