But, I can’t get my journal from 12 years ago out of my head. Last night my daughter had a friend over, and we were doing karaoke and I was reading some of my poetry to them, and they were performing. Super fun. But I found a journal with my poems and I realized that 11/12 years ago, I was hoping and wishing for the same things.
I wanted to lose weight, I wanted a good man, I wanted a good paying job. My question is, why am I still struggling with them same things? Is it me? Do I not feel worthy, so it spills forward to all areas of my life, so old issues are still underlying?
I have obviously have been married and separated since then, I have a kid and have moved to another state and have made some all around cool and life changing moves in my life. But those big 3: weight, man and money are still a problem. I know that everyone has a cross to bear, but am I supposed to have 3?
I work so hard on my weight, but because of thyroid problems and another medical issue, I feel like a hamster on a wheel with it. Also, I have left a guy that was not true to the marriage, so that is understandable, but still-man issues. I have still not had a fabulous job, and most of it is because I have worked from home for the last decade plus so I could be with my kid. But I have tried to make money and start businesses and I still feel financially stagnant.
I wonder if I am my own worst enemy. I feel like I am self-sabotaging and do not know how to feel better about myself, or to trust that I am as good as others say that I am. My confidence is a lot better than it was in the past.
I have been on dates over the last year, and never went on a second date because I can’t and won’t settle so that is great. I workout regularly and do clean eating 99.9 percent of the time, so I am making strides there, or at least trying. The job thing is one of the biggest problems I have. I am educated enough, but lack work experience, or just don’t feel I can completely measure up to do so many of the jobs I apply for. So, maybe I need to work on that the most.
As I watched shows tonight, I really enjoyed them, but couldn’t get my story out of my head. I feel that I have come so far in many ways, and I have a colorful and fun life in so many ways. But other ways, I feel like the younger woman from 12 years ago who was trying to choose between Chicago, DC or NYC and proclaiming that I would have a love soon, and a new address. That happened, but not in the way I would wish.
I am writing my story still, as we all are, but I am trying to figure out how to make sure the chapters include events that lift me up and allow me to live the life I have always dreamt of. I am going to start journaling again and claiming to God and praying that there can be a real change in my life that will not only benefit myself, but my daughter as well.
They say prayer works, so we’ll see! I plan to not only take time to weigh my food and workout-that’s on lock. But I want to seek God in all that I do because apparently after years and years of doing the same thing, I am not doing a good job of handling things myself. One thing that I can say in my life that has surpassed my dreams, is the gift of my child. I would gladly go through all of the drama in my life to have her.
In the end, I feel blessed. I know I have it better than many. I just want to live my life in the way I envisioned, and since my dreams are not super grandiose, I don’t think that is too much to ask.
God Bless you all and Good Night!!