I was in the grocery store with my daughter tonight, getting some things to take to the beach tomorrow. We will be back Saturday, but that day is full because she has a class, we are going to a polo match and were supposed to go apple picking. I brought up the fact that we were shopping and what would she need for my cake. She said: “Oh, we will get it later.” Then I got pissed and said: “Later? My bday is this weekend, I will just make my own cupcakes” (there is a mix we had at home that I have really wanted to make)
Then the convo went on and I went on to say that I go overboard for her party and then family day on her real bday every year and that I make a big deal about everyone and I get sick of her waiting ’til the last minute. I really do though. She is not the planner that I am most of the time. It ended in tears and she told me that I was so important to her. I think what pushed me over the edge in the earlier convo is when she said that didn’t have time to look for the recipe. After her school work today and our walk, she had 3 hours of “chill time”. She was watching a movie, while looking up recipes and diy projects.
But, when it comes to me, she doesn’t have time. I really made a big deal of it for the 3 or 4 minutes that we talked about it. But then I apologized when I thought about that she is a child, with other thoughts and no job and no chance to run to the store to get the ingredients. I told her that she meant the world to me and I didn’t mean to be a brat. I went on to say that adults can sometimes have tantrums and fits and act bratty. I owned it and told her that I never meant to hurt her.
Later, I told her that it was my issue with other people and that we could cut out a Saturday event so she would have time to bake. She is a very mature and dear person, and I honestly forget her age so much of the time. So, when she doesn’t act 15, I sometimes fly off of the handle. It’s stupid and immature and not very wise to do. But I am human and I screw up and take out things on my daughter or my mom. I have to remember that she is my child first and friend second. Just like my mother is my mom first and my friend 2nd.
The whole deal is that I obviously don’t feel loved or celebrated or special enough and I acted on that behavior in a childish way. I think the whole “girlfriend gang” that Taylor Swift has and one of my friend’s has a group of friends that are all unmarried with no kids, so they can travel everywhere. Then there’s me. I have a smattering of friends here and there. Most are tied down with kids. Getting through the week between schedules and activities is all that most of them are thinking of.
The moral of the story: My issues are just that. They are mine. I am going to make a wish on my bday cake or cupcake or whatever it ends up being that I will try even more than I already do to think before I speak. Words sting worse than a slap on the face and for longer, and can really do damage. I am not abusive or mean or degrading, but I think that all of us can ponder a bit longer before speaking. I have always had that issue-letting emotions rule over thinking.
On that note, I think I will try to get shut eye. Fiveish in the morning is wayyyyyyyy too early for a night owl like me. Good night, God Bless, and please don’t judge me too harshly for my bratty/divaesque/childish outburst tonight. I am a Virgo, we do have a flair for the drama…
(Side note: I’m blessed. I have a beautiful and talented daughter, a great relationship with my mom, jobs, a cute place, I live in one of the most awesome cities in the U.S. I don’t have “Sex and the City” besties, but I can’t have it all I guess!)