I had to run all over D.C. area today. If I told you the logistics and what I did in between, your head would spin. I’ll keep it simple. I had to pick up 2 kids at 10. Event at 11:15. Treat at 1:30. Pick up another kid at 2. Pool at 230. Drop off 2 kids at 4. Rush home, cook and drop my kid off at 5. Pool with other kid and drop her off at 7. Pick up my kid at 7. Drive 30 minutes to drop off my daughter for a sleepover by 7:30. Errands and home at 10:30. I will not talk about the rest of this weekend:)
So, now that I let you know how my day is, the feeling about being a loser, was resounding when I was at Tysons Mall. There were couples and families and friends everywhere. And then, there was me. Walking alone, shopping alone and leaving alone. It’s not that bad of a thing I guess, but it happens all of the time because I am in the same weird stage that I was in when my daughter was a newborn/baby. She was too young for playdates and I did not know other moms, so it was just me and my kid alone a lot and she could not talk to me. I also did not have any friends because I was new to the area.
After that time, there were probably 6 years of continual playdates. Even though my daughter and some of the other tykes had Little Gym and rec classes, they weren’t in full-time school and us moms were so excited to have little kids with fun personalities and mom’s night out activities. I loved the time alone with my child then because she could carry on conversations, but I equally enjoyed speaking with the moms and hanging out with them.
Fast forward to today…All of my friends have kids in school all day and their kids are in multiple activities going in multiple directions. I RARELY talk to them on the phone anymore. D.C. metro is so spread out, so we have friends that live all over, and unless you live here you cannot understand that 15 miles away from someone is far when it comes to how long it takes to get places here. So, I am dropping my kid off for rehearsals since last September, she doesn’t have as many playdates because her friends are busy as well so I am right where I started.
So when I was at the mall tonight, I felt pathetic and alone. I do have friends. I know some really good people here, but we don’t get together anymore except for perhaps special occasions, and on an odd day where it works out that schedules align. When I walked around in the “hip mall” I felt uncool. I instantly regretted not knowing more people who can hang out or not setting up a dinner with a friend. But I did get good deals on clothes for my daughter, so that was a win.:)
I am sure that I am not the only one who feels this way. And don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. I love every stage with my daughter. I have just spent more than a decade as her mom, and I don’t know who I am outside of that and that is so scary. I feel like I am a half-empty nester. She is still in the nest, but just not as dependent on being there as she once was before. My first instinct is to try to do online dating, but that is just repeating an old habit-turning to men to complete me as a person. I can’t do that and don’t want to do that. But I do think if I had a partner to navigate things with that this stage would not be so tricky or I would not feel so uncertain.
Good night my WP friends. Thanks for “listening”.