So, watching the Office and speaking with a stranger at Target, made me feel like I am so behind at life. Kind of weird that watching Jim and Pam’s wedding and speaking with a young woman in the Target bargain section has made me question my station/progress/level in life.
I don’t know how to explain it exactly, other than feeling like I did many things wrong and that I could be so much further along financially. And how much time I spent doing things I hated and being with people who did not appreciate me fully, or at all. So much of it boils down to lack of confidence. Being confident that you can or having the self worth to know your value is priceless.
Believe me when I say my kid is an overachiever and exudes confidence like nobody’s business. I meant that the harum scaraum way that I did things in my younger years would not be passed down to her. I think parenting, personality and home environment have a lot to do with how people move through life. But sometimes it is just plain ambition and personal effort that makes a huge difference.
I am not in like a woe-is-me mood or anything oh. I just get haunted with regret from time to time.. But as DJ always tells me, I went through those trials and situations so that I could teach and prepare my daughter. He is sweet and so kind and what he says sounds good, but I’m not sure if it’s totally accurate. Maybe if I would have made better choices earlier, she would have a better life now. But, maybe I wouldn’t have her at all if by choices were different. And that would be tragic.
So as I often do, by writing this out, I am reconciling my feelings. And I am realizing that I am behind compared to many people I know (I know, I know, comparison is a thief of joy) and most of the reason I am is because I did not have my crap together. And I take ownership of that. But, in comparing and thinking and wrestling with my thoughts I realize that I am not all that bad though I lack, like we all do. But what is important is realizing what I have outweighs what I don’t.
Own a home
Have tons of cash set back
Have perfect credit
Have a career I love
But I do have:
A God that gives me Grace
A wonderfully gifted daughter
A plan to put more moolah away
A place to live
The sense to realize my life isn’t that bad
In closing, when you start struggling with guilt and regret like I do. Make a list of the pros and cons and you will feel silly like me when you realize how much you have going on. My life has been good. Unconventional maybe. Not on a structured timeline, but I am here. I am a survivor and most importantly, I am alive.