So, I am not saying I am Oprah or Iyanla or Dalai Lama. I am just a thinker. A deep thinker. Even when I was at my most “ratchet” in my younger years, I always felt intensely. I am super emotional and I care more than most. I have a penchant for trying to help people, more than I help myself. I have found that I find it incredibly hard to have a compatible friend who can understand or relate to me in any way. I have probably have had one friend besides ML who comes close to getting who I am to the core and she is just bat-sh– crazy when it comes down to it, so it is pretty lonely at this level.
I don’t think I am one of the great minds of the 21st century or anything like that, and I have watched my fair share of vapid Housewives and the like. But I just view things so differently. Like in an obtuse manner. If you have a conversation with me or read my blogs, I speak plainly with very little pomp and circumstance. But that is because it is me at my “chillest”. I could use the vocabulary that I have tucked away into the corners of my cortex and really blow people away, but that would not serve me well as the down-to-earth, girl-next-door type.
As much as I can cuss stupid drivers out and get really irate over something as trivial as a Metro driver listening to stupid videos with no headphones at a sub shop, I really do try to make sure that people are comfortable. I like for people to feel at ease around me and to know that I am trustworthy and kind and safe. I don’t know why that is, but perhaps that is a part of the nurturer that is so key to my persona. I sometimes dumb down my conversations in order to blend in because if I really told people what i think of what they are discussing or politics or their view of the world, people would hate me.
I wasn’t a overacheiver in school, it was on the contrary, I was lazy. I was in all advanced classes, but never felt a challenge. I couldn’t relate to people in my country, southern school and the teachers just didn’t make me feel that what they were teaching me would ever lead me anywhere special in life. I was born in a middle class family in a mediocre town with huge dreams, weird thoughts, and never feeling like I was a part of things in the way that many kids probably did. I had a lot of friends and band was my niche for 7 years. But there was never a feeling of connectedness or belonging.
Fast forward 25 years and it is the same. I am doing a job that I am too over-qualified for. I don’t have anyone here that I can truly connect with. I have the mom thing going on, but now that my kid is more independent and her schedule is hella demanding, I feel a void like never before. I am working on getting closer to God, and my guy is my bestie and my partner for life. But I am bored. I am unfulfilled besides the company of those 2, and I am really reaching out into the great abyss to find out what I should be doing. I do think writing and creating are a huge part of it, ML helped me to realize how much I need to do those things.
So, I will write more. I may never be famous from this blog. My children’s picture book may not be a household name. But I will keep on pushing and prodding and pulling in a frantic tug-of-war until I can find out if that is what God has put me here to primarily do with my life. I know that I am meant to be a mom and a wife. Those roles are very important to my traditional core. But I feel like I too should be an influencer like so many others. I just am not sure whom I will spread my knowledge too and on what level. Until then I will pray and try so desperately hard to be still until I get some sign as to what steps to take to reach self-actualization…