Over the last year and a half I have gotten into television dramas. A lot! I have not had cable most of that time, so I have binge-watched shows like Scandal and Parenthood and Nashville. When I had cable, I found myself dumbing down with reality crap.
These dramas have me or have had me wanting to be in love. Cookie and Lucious’ chemistry on Empire and Rayna and Deacon’s true love on Nashville and “Olitz” with their scandalous affair, made me think that those stories had to come from some real life situations correct?
So, there goes the dilemma that I go through at the end of every summer. I have a birthday coming up, then the holidays, and I don’t have fancy parties to go to because I have not significant other. I partially want that part of my life to be revamped and the other part of me wants to enjoy raising my child.
I feel guilty for not looking for romance, and guilty for thinking of it. It’s like I am fulfilled in so many ways, but certain songs or show or movies will spark that desire for the company of a man. Not just any man, but THE man. A man who will change everything for me.
The kind of man who would step in and be a great dad to my kid. The kind of person that would bring change to my life, but not disruptions that are unpleasant. Someone that would fit perfectly in a four-part puzzle. Me, my kid, God and “the guy”.
I go through these phases of trying online dating, and i will respond for a month and then get overwhelmed by so many responses (def.not bragging) that I send them to spam. Then, when I need my ego stroked, I dip back in the pool again. I think that I want a guy, but not with the strings.
I want what is good on paper for the sake of saying that my life is full. But then I feel like a fool for feeling like it is full without a man. Is this confusing to you? Because it sure is heck is confusing for me.
What I get out of these shows besides entertainment, is hope. I get the feeling that I can be that person that someone can’t live without. I can be the person that someone would give up anything for.
I think the real deal is that I want to meet someone organically. I want God to just drop the right person in my lap as I am picking out blueberries or as I wait for my mom at the airport. Or even when I am getting my license renewed.
I don’t want to find someone on my own because I suck at relationships. Or, I suck at the choosing. And because I am not one of those people who can hear God speaking to me, I need for things to happen in a manner that I can be sure that it is all God and not me-if possible.
Signing off for now Hopeless Romantic